January 31 - Daddy

My relationship with my father, as I've mentioned before, has been tumultuous at best. The stories about the tension between us began even before I was born. When my parents would begin to argue, my mother would regale me with tales of how I was born with a hand print, my father's hand print, on my back. Proof of his violence towards my mother whilst she was pregnant. Or how, as an infant, I would scream bloody blue murder whenever my dad came near or tried to hold me. If you ask me, we never had a chance.

Growing up I never saw my father as available, caring, supportive. He was brutal, narcissistic, believing strongly in the adage that children should be seen and not heard, and if you asked him, they didn't much need to be seen either. He was not a generous man, not a playful man - except with others, except for the "show".

I always believed my dad regretted having kids, if he considered it at all. Maybe that's closer to the truth, that he didn't consider us, me. He didn't spare a thought about me, about how I might be feeling, about how I was affected by the world, by his brutishness, by my mother's drinking.

And yet somehow all that has changed. Whether it's his vascular dementia that changed things - tiny strokes causing structural changes in his brain where once his heartlessness lived; or his aging, softening him up, so that he is aware of his vulnerability, and my willingness to care for him. I don't know. But I'm grateful for the change. He has a soft dopiness about him. He is always happy to see me, likes hugging and kissing, feels better himself for it, tells me that he loves me.

I'm grateful for my dad. I'm grateful I can say that.

January 30 - Play Time

Good day to you. How has your day been? Mine has been lovely. I've been playing! Getting dirty! Soooo nice.

My dear friend Christiane has a pottery studio on the South Shore. I have mentioned before that I've been invited to go on a bi-monthly basis. Today I built amazing "lampions" - they are tall, elegant vessels for candle light. What fun that was. I made 7 of them! Even better - I am full of ideas for other things to make: a turtle candle, something with a balloon as the shape-maker, lamp shades - all out of the finest of liquid-porcelain and cheese cloth, fancy that! And, and! I have two bags of wood fire porcelain downstairs. I am going to revive them. I am going to make magic boxes out of them and have some of them fired in a wood kiln, and some I will smoke fire! I saw a very inspiring piece on an a poster at the studio.

A creative outlet has been missing for me for far too long. I am really very grateful to a) have someone as amazing as Cri Cri as a dear, dear friend, b) to have a friend like Cri Cri who has a studio!!!

I am grateful for the amazing things I get to do in my life. Today it's about friends, creating with them, cooking for them, ... life is good. I am grateful.

Day 29 ... Awesomeness....

So I left for the office at 7:30 this morning. It's a cool -30 with the wind chill, but it's so crystal clear and blue and beauitful outside, it doesn't seem so bad. I dont' know if it's the effects of the gelatinous stuff your eyeballs are made out of freezing, or the air molecules freezing, or what - but everything is sharper, clearer, more THERE. For me, cold like that let's you know your alive. I am grateful.

I had two very rewarding hours of work this morning. It always takes me to a place of gratitude when I reflect on how my brave clients privilege me by sharing their stories, by having me on their journeys with them. This morning was no exception. Great work people! And thank you. I am grateful.

On my way home, while it hadn't warmed up at all, the sun was higher, it really is gorgeous out. I went to pick up those hemmed pants, stopped and bought myself an all dressed bagel, just one, picked up a nice white for tonight, and to top it all off... when I got home - I got a perfect coffee out of that Mooka of mine!!! Awesome!

And all the way home, winding from one place to the next, out in this glorious sunshine, and super frigid temperature, I felt the anticipation of writing and sharing, and my gratitude grew! Thereby adding to the deliciousness of my morning.

And people, it's not even noon!!!

Sometimes things don't make sense. Yesterday was tough, dealing with issues about my dad and his care, late in the night fretting with Honey about his adventures, tough things to talk about, tough changes on the horizon perhaps, a wee bit of sleep deprivation due to the worries ... and then you wake up, go out side in the frigid morning air, and feel grateful to be alive.

I'll take it.

Day 28 .. Redux...

All right.. I have to be honest. I wasn't being honest, or my preferred way of putting it, authentic, in my post earlier today. Yes I'm grateful for the contact with the old friend, yes I'm grateful for the dog I had... but at the time of writing I was in a bit of a tizzy because of the state of my dad and the ensuing complications. Truth be told I was not feeling a whole lot of gratitude at the time of writing, which of course makes the post unauthentic. I can't bear that. Perhaps going forward I will say - Oh my I'm having a really tough day - and am not allowing myself to pause and consider what I am grateful for. Or maybe, the other lesson might be, wait till the storm passes before you write. Whatever... here I am for real....

What I am grateful for is the team of people that surround my father and make sure he lives well, with dignity and respect. People who work with the dementia-stricken elderly do some of the hardest work there is to do. Cleaning, caring, guiding, assisting, it never stops. And these dear lost souls, our parents, are so much better off for having these caregivers in their lives. For this I am really very grateful.

Peace to you Daddy.

Day 28.... Friends..

I got a call from an old friend today. You know a friend is a friend when it takes you less than a minute to fall back into something easy and comfortable. We caught up, shared some laughs, and shared about our pooches, our other friends.

We had a great dog for eight years. Doogie was an awesome friend. Took our love in stride, played the marital therapist, soothed our sobbing hearts when it was required, made us laugh to no end, he was a great friend. Having a dog is an experience unto itself. Nothing teaches gratitude quite like a dog. You can do absolutely nothing for them and they still appear grateful to have the honour of sitting by your side. They can be in extreme pain, limping along to the very end, and still, they're grateful to have whatever crumb of affection or time you offer. Obviously we offer more than a crumb - but a dog would settle for that wouldn't he? And still be happy.

I'm grateful for the time we had with Doogie. I am grateful for how he enriched my life, slowed me down, loved me, and stood by me. I miss him.

Day 27 ... the little things...

I woke up not entirely happy this morning. But something changed along the way. I'm grateful for that. I am also grateful for the following:

It's a gorgeous day outside and I got the chance to enjoy it
I woke up in a warm and wonderful bed, in a warm and wonderful house
My trainer came today and I had a great workout
I walked to the tailor to have my pants hemmed
I'm having a crunchy, delicious apple
I have the time to reflect on all that is wonderful in my life
I am grateful for where I live
I am grateful for the words of praise and love I got from my niece about this blog, grateful that I'm touching people, making them think, sharing in the gratitude
I am grateful for the pictures of my grandson that my daughter sent along last night
I am grateful.

Sometimes, dear people, it is that simple.

Peace to you.

Day 26 ... Tough Lessons...

I have been asked to reflect on my history. My history as a mother to be more specific. This in light of my daughter's impending baby - a new grandson for me. Another birth I will sadly not be a part of in a way I would like to be. Another fractured beginning - for me anyway. I've have decided, however, to be grateful for what ever it will be.

In a discussion I had today with a wise woman, I reflected on who I was when I had my kids. She kept saying "I just can not seem to connect who you were then to who you are now". "Neither can I" I replied, yet I am being held accountable for that, for who I was and choices I made, then. I remember being a somewhat chaotic, immature, desperately lonely and insecure child who yearned for family - when I had my kids. I was addicted, dysfunctional, trapped and stuck. I had no models for how to live my life, only a conviction that "this" was not how it ought to be done. At one point I remember clearly, seeing a road before me, one led to my mother's end, one led I knew not where. Who knew it would be here.

I feel sad that my daughter would reproach me for who I was then, rather than accept (would appreciate be too much to ask?) who I am now. That wise woman today remarked how she understood my leaving, understood the impossibility of me staying in that place given my propensity, absolute need even, of moving forward, learning, growing.

I am grateful for having arrived where I am. I am grateful, again, for having found a capacity for compassion, because it helps me here too. I am grateful for the wise women in my life, who help steer the boat in the stormy waters of my life, give me anchor, keep me steady. I am grateful for my strength, for staying open, and present, despite pressure to retreat, withdraw, cutoff. That would be unacceptable - it used to be a pattern, a habit, a solution. I am grateful that its not.

I love you daughter. I wish you peace.