Day 11 .... dreams

I am a prolific dreamer. My dreams, for the most part, are a nightly source of entertainment. Of the several dreams I had last night, one was that I found a twenty dollar bill. It had fallen in between some kind of grill - therefore assuring me that it didn't "belong" to anyone. (There was a story similar to this at Honey's party so I'm wondering if that's where that came from....). Then I found yet another twenty dollar bill only this one was the "jacket" to many more bills, and they were of much bigger denominations! Like hundreds and five hundred dollar bills! Do they even exist? I like dreams like that, they make me feel like goods things are coming.

Then I dreamt of my mother. My mother passed away in 2005 after a sad and torturous life. She struggled with alcoholism from the time I was six years old, mostly in a bid to avoid feeling the feelings of having lost her own mother when she was 11. The thing is, except for one time, whenever I dream about my mother, she is always drunk. Always. Last night, the parts of the dream I remember: I was taking a bath with all my clothes on (?), then heard my mother come upstairs. I got out of the tub, went into the bedroom, we started hitting each other, and I screamed that I was leaving.

There is a part of me that longs for a dream about my mother where she is mothering me. The one time I did dream of her and she didn't seem drunk, she walked into an apartment I was in, turned on the light switch, and walked right by me as if she didn't know me. I remember thinking how beautiful she looked, but she did not acknowledge me.

I am not sure where this is going. Where is the gratitude? And of all things, about my mother. I wrote an essay after she passed away (sorry I don't think I know how to post a link properly)

http://hwiedemann.blogspot.com/2009/09/space-heidi-katharina-wiedemann-so-vast.html

and in there I struggle with the things I might be grateful for - not having to worry about midnight phone calls from the police ... but somehow that does not feel right for this space here - this space of gratitude.

Maybe it's about this .. I am grateful that I have learned other ways to cope with grief, sadness, and pain. I am grateful that I have other outlets for difficult feelings and interestingly enough, writing has always been one of those outlets. Maybe that's the link. I am grateful that I have people in my life that are there for me when I am scared, upset, lonely. I am grateful I don't shut them out.

I am grateful for the life I have chosen to live.