November 2.... Gratitude

Happy Birthday Dad. I just called my dad to say Happy Birthday. For the first ten minutes he thought he was talking to my sister, which has more to do with his dementia than it does with my voice, or my sister. However.. all that to say, my dad was extra chatty this evening, regaling me with his philosophy of life, laughing like a hyena ( I wondered was he on something?? Birthday cheer??). In the end, it's nice that he could laugh like that. We had him here for a family dinner on Saturday to celebrate his birthday. We put on German beer drinking songs, and he sang his heart out. I invited him to dance and he happily obliged. That was funny. He can't move his legs around too much, bad knee, too much weight, so instead of twirling me around as he would have in days gone by, he threw his shoulders into it... was quite the sight. He lasted about 10 minutes which was great. It's always amazing to me to reflect on my relationship with my dad - he was a brute, brutal, really sucked as a father - until now. I'm grateful for what we have. I really am.

There are new pics of my grandson Levi on Facebook. I am so happy to see how well he is doing, how happy he is, how happy his mother is. However... there are moments like tonight where I viscerally ache for my daughter, and my grandson - and I should say daughters and grandsons. I don't know if it's because of the extremely difficult day I had at work - but I ache to hold Levi. I ache to hug Jakob. I wish my girls were here having tea with me.

In the end, reflecting on that ache let's me know how precious and beautiful these relationships are. I cherish them. I'm teary now as I write - who would have thunk I would arrive at a place where I am grateful for the family I have. Here I am.

September 1... the things you learn...

Well a week has come and gone, and so has the family. Young daughter and precious, precious Levi left today. Huge pile of tears. Middle daughter and beautiful Jakob left on Sunday, huge tears there too. My son and soon to be daughter in law! joined us for Brunch on Sunday. First time we were all together like that in a long, long time.

Through out their respective stays, Honey and I received feedback about our "unbendableness", that we appear to have trouble tolerating change in our environment, that it shows on our face too much that we are uncomfortable. I blame Honey more than myself. Except that I wore my unhappiness about other things more openly that I should have.

This visit was all about bad timing. I'm not too shy to share that Honey and I had our first Couple session, only it was four hours after young daughter and Levi arrived. The repercussions of that session lasted a few days, they weren't good. I have come to wonder how my daughter must see me as the last few times we have been together have been tough times in my life. It appears I can't live in the moment all that well.... I need to work on that.

Another mistake of mine on this visit .. I had the puppy arrive with middle daughter and Jakob. So not only did I have my kids and their kids, but a puppy - that we have now discovered Honey and I are ill-equipped to deal with. You have no idea how sad I am at that horrible realization. We can not "tolerate" the growing pains of a puppy, we don't want our "stuff" damaged, don't want to "invest" the energy and time, there is a deficit in ability to discipline, we don't know how to "play", ... it doesn't make me feel good about myself to say any of this. On the other hand - we are among the best adult dog owners I know. All that to tell you, Archie is leaving us too. Kathy from Rosie Adoption is picking him up (Please support Rosie Adoption - they do such important work). I can't tell you how supportive she has been. Telling me there is no place for shame in all this, that she can see I am in fact thinking of Archie when I say - we would make terrible puppy parents. My daughter chastised me, told me Honey and I are so set in our ways we can't even get off our duffs more or less, to raise a puppy. I maintain that Archie deserves an awful lot better than the lonely life Honey and I might provide him. Lesson learned people: never get a puppy to save your marriage.

On the way to the train station I had my last lovely moments with young daughter. She reported on how she had a great week, was very pleased with how she had split her time up between me and other family members, was glad about how smooth everything went. I felt really grateful about that. After dropping them off I came home and cried my heart out. I stumble along, trying to do my best, to bring joy, to experience joy, to bring the best of myself to what ever I do and whom ever I do it with... and somehow, a lot of the time, I feel like I missed the boat.

But this blog is about gratitude. I would like to share that there is nothing quite like the overwhelming love you feel when you are with your grandkids. They are beautiful little people and they look at you in a way that inspires confidence, you see how safe they feel with you, they see clearly the love you have for them. That, in spite of the crazy bad decisions I made, made it a blessed and wonderful visit.

August 27 ... family reunions...

Ok so I'm a little nervous - hence the mass amounts of grocery shopping I have done over the last two days. That's what I do... I guess.. It calms me down when the fridge is over flowing.. I know this about  myself ... insight is ever only half that battle.. that's what I tell my clients :-). At least I'm not eating it all by myself.

So the girls are on their way with their boys, and Archie. And tomorrow son and my father are joining us, and by evening time there will likely be a full house.

I have decided this is going to be nice, calm, fun.... all the things our family wasn't through the years. If you believe something is possible.. then it is, no?

August 26 .... outta my head...

I'm grateful for my work. It gives me the opportunity to focus on someone else. Too often it's so hard to pull yourself out of your own drama. Let me rephrase that. Too often I have a hard time pulling myself out of my own drama. I like owning my stuff. Sometimes - when times are tough and relationships fraught with whatever, I can get caught up, or shut down, or numb, or rageful, or sad ...... so much so it gives me a splitting headache. I was there today - headache and all. Then I went to work. I worried it would really affect my work. Perhaps that's why it didn't - affect my work that is, because I paid attention to it. By the end of my work - no headache, no knot in the stomach, no sadness, no rage. Sometimes you just need to get outside of yourself - as a way to let things go. Wish I could bottle that.

I had a nice dinner out with Honey. Our last night alone before the arrival of Archie - who will inevitably change our lives without even trying. He will be bringing much needed light and joy into this house once all the grandkids leave.

I'm a little whooped from the drama - but not so much that I can't stand back and be grateful for what is fine and right and good in my life...

August 25 .... visitors...

Young daughter of mine and grandson Levi arrived this morning. Everyone is safe and sound and as I write, asleep. Levi is such a joyful baby. He demonstrates a great curiosity.  After having flown all night (all right he did more sleeping than flying, but still) .. he remained calm in my arms, as long as I angled him so he could watch everyone - while his mother went off in search of her luggage. Later in the day, while we were shopping, the same thing - he remained calm, interested, observant ... was quite the thing to behold. In the tub - he is calm, happy, as relaxed a baby as I have ever seen in the water. And always with the smiles...

Ok so sue me, I'm besotted with my darling grandson. He can do no wrong - even his crying is sweet, not annoying, almost inviting.

In two days middle daughter comes with monkey Jakob. He is also curious, funny, full of life and love. I can't wait!

What a salve to this aching heart, what a salve.

July 16 ..... sunshine in my life...

Ok so seriously.... what more do I need to say? No matter how bad the evening, how contentious ... whatever... I come home and find this on my facebook page... I'm grateful. I can not help but coo and giggle .... what a wonderful remedy for what ails you. See if I can't post another one ..

You know what.. this may seem selfish... but I look at little Levi.. and I long for a time when things were simple.

What an absolute Joy this child is!

July 2 .... like riding a bicycle...

It's my last night here and so I gave the kids a break. The two have gone out to dinner for some much needed alone, adult time. Yay me... I'm alone with delicious little Levi. Was I worried? Was my daughter? No and I don't think so. I feel glad she has this faith in me. I have given him a bath, fed him twice today, coaxed him to sleep... and here I thought I forgot how to do all that...

It's so nice and quiet in the house at the moment.... that sleep should come so peacefully to all of us.

June 30 ... Grandmotherhood...

I have to tell you... there is no better feeling in the world than your daughter placing your grandson in your arms and saying "Here, you deal.. I need some sleep". Then you change, and feed, and play, and coo... and put the little man happily to bed. And the house is quiet and all is well and my heart is very, very full ....

I know I'm biased.... but oh my God, that baby is absolutely perfect. We all are aren't we?