March 10... a little pain and honesty

I have been having a rough go of it lately. Last week, I came face to face with what I think is rage. It's a volcanic experience that begins at the upper mid area of your chest, and seems to build to a full crescendo of volatility very, very quickly. Sadly, I stuffed it back down, or let it seep out in little spurts here and there... making like I'm saving the world from a huge dam giving way. We all know this results in passive aggressiveness, and I am no fan of that. I always tell my clients, my friends and my family, be authentic, express your anger. And yet here I am, seemingly unable - unwilling - to do so.

And the anxiety, what the hell? I have never felt this stuff before. And I'm loathe to label it as menopausal stuff - and not because of my age, or of menopause itself, but isn't it so stinking trite to use menopause as an excuse? I won't. Nor am I willing to engage in a dialogue that would explain my rage. That's terrible. The times I have tired, I have not felt heard. I feel myself running into walls, this only lifting the rage and anxiety to new heights. So I say nothing. I bottle it up. And then, I guess I could have predicted this, my back gives out! Ooops, another hole in the dam!

So on to gratitude... geez. The room I have for that today is tiny indeed. Nice physio girl told me to walk today, so I did. It's beautiful out and I smiled when I saw my first Spring crocuses. They are beautiful, joyful little flowers. That place in my heart where gratitude lives, swelled ... some. And some days I guess you take what you can get. And if all I got was this tiny swelling for those tiny flowers, so be it, I'll take it.

Day 23 ... To sleep, perchance to sleep...

Good morning! Is there anything better in the world than a good nights sleep? In a word, no.

I, being in prime menopausal territory - have been struggling with debilitating insomnia for the last two years (only one of the thirty-four symptoms!!). Ya, imagine, two freaking years of not sleeping properly. For the last two years I have been doing research, giving seminars (I learn by doing), going to doctors ad nauseum, and in short, losing my mind to hormonal upheaval. It's not been pretty, it's not been nice. Being sleep deprived has been the worst - in large part because without sleep there is no repairing and recuperating of your body, mind, spirit... let me just say, it sucks.

And through all the research and seminars and what have you, I always thought the route of HRT should be avoided. It seemed scary, you can't get two doctors to say the same thing, I didn't want a normal passage in life to be medicalized.... on and on... and then I caved. And truth be told, it's a damn shame to even put it that way. Why is there this mindset "out there" that doing something to help yourself is like failing. Maybe it's me? I don't know. I didn't care anymore, I decided to try HRT.

Which brings me to my gratitude... I am now sleeping, whole 6 to 7 to 8 hour stretches. It's unbelievable. I don't even get up to pee anymore!!!! That's a freaking miracle! It's crazy that hormones would do this. Absolutely crazy. Sleeping really changes things. It's hard to find that crabby place that used to greet me every morning. I don't wake up in tears anymore. I am not in pain when I wake up. My eyes open and I look forward to my day. My eyes open and I smile. My eyes open and I realize hey!, the last time they were open was about 11 pm last night!!! And truthfully, I feel overjoyed!

So there you have it. My deep and profound gratitude for the return of my slumber.