June 29 ... motherhood, the process

I am not sure what is going on with me. I am ever so thankful and grateful to be here with my daughter and her family. My grandson is precious. The rhythm between Peanut and I seems good and comfortable. The distance as I experience it, between my son-in-law and myself, is not about me, and it's all good.

I got text messages from middle daughter. She was in the midst of a drama. I apparently didn't respond in quite the fashion she had hoped and so was angry with me. I felt at a loss: loss of interest, loss of energy... not feeling able to stand up and meet the challenge of comforting her.

I don't think myself a good mother. Due to my history and the choices I have made as a mother - I feel there is much to make up for always, none of the relationships are free of trepidation, unsureness, unconditional anything... how could my actions of the past have been interpreted as unconditional? That is one of the big problems I guess for divorced parents.. how can your child possibly understand your love for them as unconditional if in fact you left? So what happens? You spend the rest of your life making up for it... feeling always on the edge of a cliff because of it, never really sure of your place.

On the other hand... Peanut trusts me enough to leave me alone with her son. Many a mother I'm sure would think me nuts for being surprised at this. It is how it is supposed to be. Well it's a big deal to me. And you know what .. I'm grateful for it.

Levi just woke crying... I waited, went and soothed him, and such an overwhelming sense of love took hold of me... as it does when I hold him... I KNOW this was there for my children. I know this. What does that morph into? There is a depth and a fullness to the love I feel for Levi. It's pure. It's beautiful. That love exists for my children as well. I know this. I wish they did.

When that wellspring of love surfaces as it just did ... that is gratitude.

March 20 ... Happy Spring and other things...

I am not an alarmist. The fact that we have had one of the easiest winters and earliest springs is not necessarily due to global warming. Ice ages have come and gone and this year I'm ok with the "gone" aspect of winter's brutality. All that to say Happy Spring - and I am grateful for the weather and the end of winter.

Now to pick up from yesterday.

So this friends thing... I used to be notorious for rushing into relationships, not taking the time to really get to know someone, or for letting myself be known, and yet assuming the relationships were solid and real. This made for a lot of mucked up assumptions and inevitably heartache.

Maybe it's a function of age, maybe it's a function of having gotten burned often enough, I really see a change in how I engage, how I begin or enter into a relationship. I'm a little cautious now, I feel myself holding back, and it's not being dishonest, I don't know how to describe it really. But yesterday, sitting with my colleague/potential new friend, I felt it. We were sharing, caring, interested in each other, making plans together ..and all the while I felt this inner pacing I guess, recognized I was making choices to trust, to deepen what we were creating - I guess that's it - it was totally conscious.

That got me to thinking about gratitude... I am grateful I have a resilient heart. I am grateful I step back into the ring of humanity and relationships, continue to seek out new friendships, grateful I trust still. Because really, friends are a wonderful thing.