September 13 ... uber connecting...

So as I begin to write my blog, at this late (ish) hour -  I have Honey sitting beside me kindly nudging me to come to bed. That's nice. He's nudging too because for most of the night I have been "talking" to people. Middle daughter has a free texting plan, as do I, so we "talk" a lot more now. She is going through tough times as a matter of fact, and I'm really happy to be able to be a source of support for her.

Oldest Niece is back in college. Her boyfriend has a BlackBerry and she too can now chat with me for free - for long :-). She had a stressful first day back, needs some support too because of her fear of failure, her and I are good friends. It's all good.

Young daughter got home the other day from her two and a half week trip to see all sides of her family - and is now able to call. She did and I listened to little Levi singing away in the tub. He's outgrown his first wardrobe, he sounds happy so does my daughter.

In all that Honey got a little lost.

We women really are relational aren't we. I see how much it means to me, I see how important each and every one of these connections are, they fill me up, they make me happy.

Up to bed I go - to connect of course ;).

August 23 ... perseverance and persistence...

I imagine that the fact that Honey and I have been sailing some pretty stormy seas seems pretty obvious from my posts of late. It's been hard, on both of us. Neither one of us having an clear idea of what is causing the malaise, the distancing, the sadness and loneliness that has been growing like a bad weed between us. After 20 and half years... it seems you really do have to work at things sometimes to keep them floating, growing, nurturing.

We talked again. I feel like we pierced something last night, that some important truth surfaced, made things understandable. Where to go from here? We don't really know, but fortunately it feels like a "we" again - however tenuous, fragile, unsure ... it's a "we".

I'm not sure if it's the specter of mid-life, the realization of time left, the experience of crossing things off your list because you know or believe you won't get to them, existential stuff... there is a deep and heavy sadness that lives among us - and "we" are going to figure this out. We are. I'm not going anywhere.

August 17 ... the cat's out of the bag...

I broke the news to Honey today, it's still settling in. We will be acquiring a new pooch. A puppy pooch as a matter of fact, and while I woke up at four this morning in a panic about it - I know in my heart of hearts it will be a very good thing for this household.

This is an awfully big house for two people - and sometimes, lately, the space has been made even bigger of our own volition. I have a hope and a prayer that Jackson, that is his name, will fill some of that sad, lonely space up. And I know enough to know that is not a good enough only reason, and it's not.  My other reason for inviting a pooch into my life is that I love what a dog makes you feel: loved, cherished, loving and cherishing, like you have a friend, like you can be a great friend, like its important to be happy, like nothing is so bad that a good ball throw or walk can't fix.

I'll post a pick when I can.

Welcome Jackson, I'm looking forward to meeting you.

August 14.... summer evenings when we're all in the groove...

It was a wonderful day. A cycle in a new place (I wasn't too crazy about the place - industrial Beauharnois, meh - what the hell is with Velo Quebec?)... but a good and nice cycle nevertheless, waterside picnic... We come home, Honey and I, with a minimum of bickering, which is much to be grateful for. We opt for a dinner at home, the two of us on the deck. We work together to make it lovely. We bring out the portable stereo thing and have an evening of loveliness, good food, good imbibing, good conversation, and good music. It's beautiful out tonight in many more ways than one.

I gotta tell you, after the months of feeling not good here at home, it sure is absolutely lovely to have an evening of connection and care like tonight.

I am truly grateful.

June 24.... out of the blue..

Howdy. So, after a full day of work I am on vacation for 10 days. I am leaving in the morning for a trip to Canmore to see Peanut and family including new baby Levi .. and the Rockies. I could stop right there because God knows that's enough to be grateful about! However...

When I got home, I knew I had to do the bank run, and offered Honey to do a run to the grocery store - not wanting to leave him with an empty fridge and all. Well.. as most of us, or some of us, understood, the stores are all closed today.. oops. Oh well, I guess he will get what he needs and wants without me. All good.

So we do that bank run anyway - and then we stop at the local Louisianan place called Lucille's. We shared a bunch of pints, Calamari, and Ribs.. and I'm happy and sated, and totally grateful for the spontaneity of it all. I didn't like the idea of leaving here for ten days and being happier about leaving than I was about arriving. It's not a good place to be. So here is my gratitude for out of the blue decisions, fun, having Ireland dealt with, laughing together, allowing things to happen...... things don't always have to be a shit storm, do they?

May 31.... taking the time..

I have been at this Gratitude business for a full five months. I'm proud of myself. And I notice a definite difference in my outlook. At the darkest of times, I stop, reflect and find what there is to be grateful for in that moment. My lesson: there is always something. 

Like today - every once in a while Honey's struggle overwhelms me. I become anxious, unsure, afraid for our future. I know at those times it's important to reach out across the space of fear, reach out and hold on, for him as much as for me. 

We did that tonight. Getting out of the house, going for a lovely walk, getting an ice cream.. I mean really how long has it been since we've done that? And Levis doesn't count, cause having ice cream at the Chocolaterie is what you do in Levis. It was lovely to return to something simple, basic, yummy even. The two of us, strolling hand in hand, happily licking away. That's a lot to be grateful for if you ask me.

May 6 ... another Indian Food story...

Aaahhhh.... that's the sound of the world after Honey gets a haircut. And yes, oh yes, I'm grateful.

Poor Honey has a curse. In no time at all, a perfectly lovely haircut turns into long womanly locks of hair, some locks looking more like they are meant to hide things, than others. It gets sad. Then his gray hair starts to get a pubic-y quality, it's not nice. Even worse are the relentless days of his parents calling: "Hello? Heidi? Is that you? Did he cut his hair yet?" This last round they reduced themselves to bribing him. They have gone off to Poland for a holiday. In the car, on the way to the airport, Honey's mother chirped "Well, here I thought I would at least see a hair cut. I got bubkus! That's it, little balls of shit!"

The last round of hair cut drama just around his birthday, was no exception - Honey stubbornly refusing to cut his locks, his parents pressuring me for him to cut his hair, and by the end of it, me worrying about Honey's mental state given his disregard for his appearance.

On the night before he succumbed to the pressure, we went out for our usual Friday night Indian food dinner. Honey sat with his back to the rest of the restaurant while I faced the crowd. Our waiter (Kabal, remember!) came rushing to our table, with a big smile greeting me, and when he arrived and saw Honey he had a look of surprise and then started laughing away. He turned to me and said "Oh Madame Dansak, I saw it was you and I thought you were with another woman" (meaning Honey!) and he howled, "But it's not it's Mr. Bangalore, mwahahaha"! I didn't need a special invitation, I howled right along with him. Poor Honey, all he could do was order the beer.

April 24 ... Honey and stuff..

I had a great day with Honey today. It started with an early morning walk including a stop for fresh made breakfast pastry treats... I don't know what his was called, but mine was a Chausson aux Puree de Pomme - ya! We had it at a little table, sort of sidewalk cafe kind of thing. Was wonderful.

We reminisced about our first days in our neighbourhood 9 years ago. While most of the world would consider us more or less city central - Honey and I felt we'd given up our hipsterness and moved to the burbs. We used to have all manner of restaurant a stroll from home, pharmacies would stay open 24 hours, or at least until 11 pm. In our new neighbourhood everything seemed toned down to family sensibilities. No spicy food, no ethnic treats, and the pharmacies closed at 8 pm, what the hell was up with that? We were unhappy and worried in our first year here. It never occurred to us to take a bus or get in a car to go eat somewhere - like back in the old hood. What would have been the point of that?

Anyhow... one day we came upon what is now our favourite Indian food restaurant, The Star of India, if you're interested. It's Indian home cooking at its best, and for the last 8 years we have been faithful devotees. So much so that most of the time we don't use a menu and the guys just say "Chicken Dhansak for Madame, and Bangalore Phal for Sir" and we nod happily and drink our pints.

A few months ago we noticed that more and more often, the place would be full when we got there, and we would have to either wait, or come back some other time. Note to self, make reservations. So a few weeks ago I called - and I am sad to say after all these years of going I didn't know anyone's name there - and I assumed they didn't know ours. So when I called and made the reservations I made them under "Mrs. Dhansak and Mr. Bangalore". The waiter, whose name Honey is insisting is Khabhir, let out a huge laugh and knew exactly who I was! Nice.

p.s. (no, I'm not sure it's his name - Honey chirped it out while I was writing - and if it is, I'm not sure that is how you spell it. So Khabhir, if you are reading, please forgive me.)

Happy day today.

April 3 ... Gratitude...

I am grateful for the friends in my life that open their homes to me, invite me in, love me as family.

I am grateful for my dearest friend, who I know will step in if need arises, love my kids and mother them until I can do so myself.

I am grateful for family - for the support, the connection, the security we now offer each other. Wasn't always like that so it's all the more reason to be grateful.

I am grateful for the thing that is Honey and I, despite the bumpy vacation start (what the hell is with that anyway??). I know we will find ourselves, together, and be able to enjoy, explore, rejuvenate, be happy, hoist a few!

I have a full and grateful heart.

March 14... Afternoon delight...

It's a cold, rainy day here in Montreal. Even so, it's been lovely. We moved our clocks ahead this morning, I spent time helping a friend, chatted to my lovely daughter in Quebec, lazed around with the paper and a second cup of perfect Mooka coffee...

As if that wasn't enough to be grateful for, well, there was some delightfulness this afternoon! I am always grateful when that happens! I am always grateful to know that the machine isn't quite kaput! My foray into menopausal territory over the last two years has been scary .. especially on the "delightful" front. Before this goes into TMI - I just wanna say, I'm grateful .. content and grateful ..'nuff said!

Sometimes I don't get it. I don't get how in such a short period of time, and a week sure as hell feels short to me, I can go from so worried, anxious, and upset about stuff, and about the state of Honey and I; to content, peaceful, sated (ya, ya) .. and grateful!! I am very grateful that I do get back to this space, this grateful place. I am glad we persist, I am grateful we know we're together, loving each other, wanting each other, still. Grateful.

I'm going to snuggle...

March 5 ... Lots of stuff

Hi there. My day started kind of funky. Honey and I are still trying to navigate difficult issues .. about money, those dialogues never, ever being easy. So I wasn't happy when I left the house. I wasn't happy after my client. Then I went to get my hair taken care of, and ahhhh .. there itwas, that lovely breath of fresh air that is Spiro, one of the most beautiful and lovely 25 year old souls I know. 25 people! When I saw her she said "Hey, it's not Wednesday" - Princess Day remember?. I'm thrilled that little rituals I have started in my blog are being carried on by others, remembered, honoured.... it's amazing.

Spiro and I always laugh a lot together. I wonder what my hair would look like if we didn't. Anyway, we always share stories and today was no exception. So I tell her about some of the happenings at Honey's party. I tell her about my not being happy today. She tells me about her stuff, in particular about her Honey. Her husband received underwear as a gift from his mom on his birthday. Eeek I said, we laughed. How old is he?? 30!!! We're roaring... Honestly, I have to check my hair tomorrow - how can you laugh so hard and cut hair at the same time. I am grateful for the real honest to goodness fun I have with her. I always feel better after seeing her. I want her to know I am grateful for what it is she brings to me when I see her. Thank you Dear Girl. You are one beautiful soul.

I had a lovely chat with young pregnant daughter. She is doing really well, the pregnancy having eased up on her. She asked what I was doing today, I told her going to the hair salon, she replied "It's not Wednesday Ma", I said "It's ok, I'm expanding" .... there is that pebble in the pond again if you ask me. Makes me happy, makes me feel grateful. Lately, young pregnant daughter has been paying attention, acknowledging my presence, showing interest, ... it's nice. It's nice for things to be reciprocal. I need her to know I am appreciative and grateful for her stepping up to the plate in our relationship. I love it. I am very grateful.

And finally, we had dinner with the lovely Mooka folks. I cooked a spectacular dinner. Everything came out perfect, perfectly delicious, perfectly beautiful. I am proud of myself. I am very grateful for the company I had. These lovely people have invited us down south for a week, that's coming up soon, and yes, I am grateful!

So there you have it, despite a rough start, a lovely day and evening all in all. Niceness.

I'm full of gratitude.

February 11.... Lunch and stuff

Hi there. Today will be short and sweet.

It was a glorious day. I'm grateful! My work schedule today permitted me to come home for a two hour lunch break. I made a great, really great, salad - chick peas, lettuce, pear, yellow tomatoes, red peppers.. sounds awesome doesn't it? - and had a totally lovely lunch with Honey, who worked from home today.

Even better was that I walked to and from the office today - it's February 11 and Mother Nature is teasing us big time with this Spring-like seduction of hers! I've been wearing shoes!!! For days!!! Yes Ma'am I am grateful!

I am also grateful that while I trained really hard yesterday, today wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be! Which is very motivating. And .. I slept like a baby!

I am grateful and happy... how about you? What are you grateful for today?

February 5 ... Simple Pleasures..

Hi everyone. Happy Day to you all.

I am feeling happy, free of pain, relaxed, anticipating Honey getting home and sharing a nice glass of wine together. We will then cook our dinner together, and relax. I know he needs this. It's been a rather heavy week for him, for both of us I guess, but more so for him. He sent me a gratitude text this morning. He wrote he was grateful that I was there for him, that I encouraged him to come to the Garrison Keillor show last night (excellent by the way!), that we took the time out to do something besides work and worry. Maybe we should do that more often?!

I'm grateful for the wonderful comfort of my home, I sometimes feel embraced by it. I'm grateful for my Honey, our life together. I'm grateful for this most lovely little bag of fat-reduced chips (ya ya) I'm munching on! :-)

Simple things. Much gratitude...