September 21... Technology...

Sometimes, technology can get the better of me. I can literally sit and geek for hours. I suppose my laptop is "the new TV" - not that I ever devoted this much time to TV.

However there are upsides to this technology stuff. I skyped with young daughter and amazing Levi today. That kid is growing like a weed!!! He is huge! And even better, he is responding!! Which thrills me to no end. It sucks being 4000 or so miles away from your kid and grandson, it really does, in a profound kind of way - but sometimes, and I'm sure it won't be all the time, something like Skype serves as a decent salve to the ache in my heart.

I also do a lot of texting with middle daughter. Some how, through the scraps of tiny messages I send her way, she feel lifted up, supported, connected to something sane and comfortable. I'm happy for these relationships. I feel like I'm doing my "mother" job - better.

I'm grateful for my connecting.

September 13 ... uber connecting...

So as I begin to write my blog, at this late (ish) hour -  I have Honey sitting beside me kindly nudging me to come to bed. That's nice. He's nudging too because for most of the night I have been "talking" to people. Middle daughter has a free texting plan, as do I, so we "talk" a lot more now. She is going through tough times as a matter of fact, and I'm really happy to be able to be a source of support for her.

Oldest Niece is back in college. Her boyfriend has a BlackBerry and she too can now chat with me for free - for long :-). She had a stressful first day back, needs some support too because of her fear of failure, her and I are good friends. It's all good.

Young daughter got home the other day from her two and a half week trip to see all sides of her family - and is now able to call. She did and I listened to little Levi singing away in the tub. He's outgrown his first wardrobe, he sounds happy so does my daughter.

In all that Honey got a little lost.

We women really are relational aren't we. I see how much it means to me, I see how important each and every one of these connections are, they fill me up, they make me happy.

Up to bed I go - to connect of course ;).

February 14 .... Motherhood...

Motherhood... my day today has revolved around motherhood. My dearest friend, a mother, is suffering. She is worried sick, scared, sad ... she feels that no one is listening. Another young woman I know, soon to be a mother, is not feeling very good. She is worried sick, scared, sad ... she feels no one is listening. While the two are a generation apart .. neither know what lies down the road. Neither feel secure. Neither are finding any gratitude in their circumstance .. today.

I have had my turn with that. At the moment, I worry about my youngest, pregnant daughter, and really, just because that's what mothers do right?, worry about their young, pregnant daughters.

I know of another mother, her son has moved away, far away, I think in a bid to establish his autonomy and independence. It certainly is time for him to do that - anyone outside the drama would say so. Yet mother is sad, clinging, trying to induce feelings of guilt in her son whether she knows it or not, because the pain of separation for her is so great. And sadly, if she actually knew what she was inflicting on her son, she would feel horrible. But that's part of the drama isn't it? Some mothers want their kids to stay around. For some of us, the relationships with our children are front and centre, and we somehow, sometimes, expect it to be the same for them - that their relationship with us is front and centre. But it can't be. Right? It just can't be that way. And that, for many a mother, is a terribly bitter pill to swallow. For some of us, separation seems impossible. If only we understood how necessary it was.

But motherhood is not only about worry and separation. I am glad to report my kids for the most part are thriving. While they have taken up their share of the worry pie, I get to relax, not have a nagging worry about them, not lose sleep, know that they are strong individuals now, capable of making choices they can benefit from. I am actually quite grateful for that.

I am grateful that my youngest avails herself of her mother's ability to listen. I am grateful my middle girl is writing our history - my memory needs the help! I am grateful that my son believes our relationship important and cherishes it.

My mother-in-law today, brought us (the kids :-)) soup and lasagna. What a treat!

Much gratitude can be found in motherhood... I am grateful.