June 1.... I came to the conclusion

So today I only started working at one. Sometimes I have a hard time with an expanse of space and time before me. I have friends who run all day long, do for everyone, say they can't find a second... and I wander around my house with hours before me wondering what's wrong with me. Really. Sometimes I look at Honey's and my lifestyle and say too, something is wrong, we're just not like everyone else. Maybe I worry for nothing, but I'm not sure.

Anyhow.. so today I'm wandering around. I notice I don't have a lot of motivation to do anything either. I could just as easily sit in front of my computer, or stare out the window. I don't think this is good. It is in fact making me unhappy. So I go get my journal. I start writing about this, writing about what I want - have wanted - to do in terms of projects. I question why I can't - won't - find the energy to do them. My money workshop, other creative endeavors to broaden my private practice, work I'm supposed to do with a theatre company, clay or painting - something creative, exercise. What is it that stops me?

And then I make a choice. Can it possibly be that simple? I made a choice to exercise. 30 minutes on the elliptical - Marj where are you anyway? And all of a sudden I feel awake, not lethargic, clear. I finish up, take a shower - and then send some emails and make some phone calls. Put myself out among the living again.

Sometimes it just feels great making a choice for yourself.

March 21 ...Regrets, apologies and gratitude.

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to turn a regret into gratitude. You ever do something you originally thought was right for you, and then it turns out all the reasons you thought it right are some how stupid after the fact? What I am struggling with though is if I had it to do over again - would I?

This sucks. Young pregnant daughter - my lovely young pregnant daughter, had a virtual shower held in her honour today (she lives in Alberta). This woman who my daughter cares greatly and deeply about, decided to host this shower. It was all arranged on Facebook. I don't know her, nor did I know anyone at the shower, except my daughter's aunt. My daughter was only going to be there "virtually". You can be sure as anything that had she been there in person, wild horses wouldn't have kept me away. But still..... would it have killed me to be there to show support for my daughter (which in my defense I do all the time). No. I don't know, I'm so conflicted. I don't like that I wasn't there. I didn't want to go.

So after talking today we decided we would both be sad about it and leave it at that. Had I gone, neither of us would be sad about it. I would have had a few uncomfortable moments. So what.

So I'm saying, I'm sorry love. I'm sorry I wasn't a big enough person to suck up what I could have sucked up. I am sorry to cause you any sadness at all.

I am grateful that you indeed have grown big in your heart. I am grateful that you're a bigger person than I am. I am grateful we could be honest, and that we both choose to stay the course.