June 1.... I came to the conclusion

So today I only started working at one. Sometimes I have a hard time with an expanse of space and time before me. I have friends who run all day long, do for everyone, say they can't find a second... and I wander around my house with hours before me wondering what's wrong with me. Really. Sometimes I look at Honey's and my lifestyle and say too, something is wrong, we're just not like everyone else. Maybe I worry for nothing, but I'm not sure.

Anyhow.. so today I'm wandering around. I notice I don't have a lot of motivation to do anything either. I could just as easily sit in front of my computer, or stare out the window. I don't think this is good. It is in fact making me unhappy. So I go get my journal. I start writing about this, writing about what I want - have wanted - to do in terms of projects. I question why I can't - won't - find the energy to do them. My money workshop, other creative endeavors to broaden my private practice, work I'm supposed to do with a theatre company, clay or painting - something creative, exercise. What is it that stops me?

And then I make a choice. Can it possibly be that simple? I made a choice to exercise. 30 minutes on the elliptical - Marj where are you anyway? And all of a sudden I feel awake, not lethargic, clear. I finish up, take a shower - and then send some emails and make some phone calls. Put myself out among the living again.

Sometimes it just feels great making a choice for yourself.

March 18 ... Chaos

Many, many (+20) years ago, chaos was a regular part of my life. Decisions were made that were based on fear, addiction, anxiety, plain old ignorance, and on and on it went. We moved constantly, never had money, never settled. I know this was a carry-over from the family I came from, as well as the family my ex-husband came from, neither of us having a model for healthy living.

Today, I look around and sometimes see the vestiges of that chaos, and I wish in my heart of hearts I had the power to do something about that. But I don't. I am in part responsible for that chaos, having sent it down the generational line, but I don't have the power to change it once it's been taken out of my hands and integrated into the life of someone else. What I get to do now is say it's possible to live without this, look, learn. And my hope and prayer is that in as much as someone has been able to learn the chaotic stuff, they can now watch and listen, and learn the healthy stuff too.

So my gratitude today is for the space in my life, that I created and I work diligently to maintain, that does not contain chaos, that does not invite it in, that withstands it's seduction. I am grateful for the calm, the serenity, the stability. I am grateful for the strength that has had a chance to grow and for the peace the flourishes because of it.

Day 5 - Ya, but what about when it's not so simple..

Well that didn't take long did it?

Ok so here really is the challenge. Yesterday, my day started off wonderfully. I really felt infused with the spirit of gratitude. I felt it coloured my whole day. I remember walking home after a day of work with a smile on my face and feeling just wonderful.

And then... well, and then a series of events conspired to put an end to that wonderfulness. Painful relationships, I have my share. Disappointments, have my share of that too. And let downs (not the same in this case) .. and then for whatever reason bone-crushing fatigue ... so I cried myself to sleep last night. And then I had a bad sleep, and then I woke up this morning with the physical pain that always accompanies a bad sleep. And funny enough, all the many times I woke up during the night I thought, where will I find gratitude today?

I don't want this journey of gratitude to be taken lightly. I don't want it to be trite. It needs to be meaningful, reflective, honest, to be of any value. And it's hard to bring yourself to gratitude when you're angry, heart-broken, insecure. But maybe that's the point?

I feel as though I need to drag myself there today.

So gratitude.. let's see... I'm grateful for the lessons life keeps providing that help me become more assertive, and that help me know myself better. No I'm not. That's like the load of crap that suffering makes you strong - and ergo you should be thankful that it happens to you. Couldn't I be strong without it? Couldn't I go to assertiveness classes, or a buddhist retreat to know myself better?

Ok.. that's enough whining. I am grateful that my youngest daughter's pregnancy is going better for her. I am grateful that the older daughter is doing better. I am grateful that in-laws are helping in whatever capacity they can with the plans for the weekend. I am really grateful that I have help in the house today. I am grateful that I am cognizant enough of my power to make a choice to be grateful. Maybe that's the best of all.

Peace to you all.