July 16 ..... sunshine in my life...

Ok so seriously.... what more do I need to say? No matter how bad the evening, how contentious ... whatever... I come home and find this on my facebook page... I'm grateful. I can not help but coo and giggle .... what a wonderful remedy for what ails you. See if I can't post another one ..

You know what.. this may seem selfish... but I look at little Levi.. and I long for a time when things were simple.

What an absolute Joy this child is!

July 15.... praying...

After 85 days, BP has apparently managed to at least temporarily stop the flow of oil in to the Gulf of Mexico. I for one will say a prayer that this works. I got worried for a while that the world was forgetting this. It wasn't a front headline on CNN for a bit - oh no I thought, here is that complacency creep, apathy creep ... please, everyone, this oil rupture has to stop. Don't forget about it. Don't go about your day like it's not there. Don't put it in the back pages of the newspapers like the wars. It's here, now, it's real.

Say a prayer everyone.

July 15 but really for July 14....

I tried and tried but was not able to connect last night... and I had lot's to be grateful for on my amazing Princess Day:

My 45+ km cycle! By myself!... was amazing.
Lunch at a sidewalk cafe, wonderful.
Fresh Quebec raspberries... a gift from above.
Dinner with the Mooka folks, always a good time.
Another calm day with Honey.
More prep for Ireland and lot's of excitement building there...

I had a really good day.

July 13....Flip Sides...

I'm working really hard these days. Lots of people coming to share their journey. I watch other couples, fighting, criticizing, blaming, attacking.... today I managed to calm them down enough, for just a wee moment, for them to realize they were both feeling the same thing - and thus, could connect, right there. I know what it's like to be lonely, afraid, threatened, sad .... I hear that's how you're feeling. I know that. Sometimes that's enough, enough to settle the stormy seas and let something other than bitterness and anger come out and in.

Sometimes, I sit in front of people that seem so sad, I kind of want to cry along with them. I am witness to suffering that extends to such depths it breaks my heart. Sometimes I wonder if I am just too soft for this kind of work.

Sometimes I feel the wrath and indignation of things that have happened, disrespect, injury, crushing of the soul... all these things happen, to all manner of people, to many of us...  time and again.

I have to be honest, some days this work takes it's toll. I come home carrying stuff that isn't always mine, react to Honey based on stuff that isn't always his, feel a little crushed in my own right... but the flip side is, I feel a great reward to all those that have righted their course, held up their heads, accepted whom they are, are prideful now, know themselves to be deserving and lovely human beings. That happens, a lot, my people are resilient, I'm proud of that. A little bit of listening takes the soul a long, long way.

So when I have an evening ... where I have been able to create some calm, where I have been able to bring them back to the original little block of whence they began ... help them to retouch that spot... and everyone softens, and there is silence... and we recognize the humanness in ourselves and the other.. and I bring that home.... I'm grateful for what I do.

July 12... marbles in my mouth

Lately, I'm finding myself getting upset with the difficulties I'm having being authentic. I have words in my heart and mind, but when they get to my mouth they are like marbles .. they loll around but don't come out - and the words that do are somewhat "obstructed" by those marbles, they don't sound right, don't seem to be understood, don't get across what I desperately want to get across. And then I give up, and suffer in silence. 

I had a fantasy that as I got older, as I matured, did more therapy, learned more about myself, made it through menopause ... that I would get MORE authentic... not less. What's up with that? 

I'm grateful that I can recognize this cutting off I'm doing as something I am doing and not what someone else is doing to me. This gives me a measure of control over how my story will go ... or so I tell my self. Ah yes, the stories we tell ourselves - for comfort, security, indignation, fear ... I guess the journey to being authentic, like every other journey, begins with yourself, myself. 

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I would like to wish young daughter a very happy birthday. I'm very proud of you Peanut. You are a beautiful mother - keep up the great work. Feel better.

July 11 .... weekend get away...

I had a wonderful get away weekend. No computer access so hence my absence. I won't be able to post while in Ireland either, so 365 days is going to be off by a few.

I had a lovely weekend: 45 kilometer cycle, amazing sites, spectacular huge deer, bunnies, herons, fields and valleys full of summers bounty and scents, beautiful. Today was a day out on a boat, swimming in Massawippi, laughing with friends, beautiful weather.

We took the scenic route home - I live in an amazing land. Hot air balloons, vast farmlands, just beautiful. I ventured to share some of my observations with Honey ... noticed how thats been absent of late.

Connecting with my wonderful girlfriend. My confidante in these troubled times. And yet another one on-line. I feel fortunate for the relationships I have that nurture me, hold me up when I'm needing that, validate what I'm feeling. Thank you women. You too, are beautiful.

Now, off to go nurture this nasty sun burn! Too much fun.... :-)

July 8 .... aging gracefully?

I have a confession to make. Maybe confession is too strong a word - because anyone standing very close to me might maybe notice what I'm about to confess. Ok.. here it is: I have a - yes "a" - beard hair that grows on my chin. It's the thing I stroke when I feel like being Sigmund Freud. I yank it out every three to four weeks. So in my head, that's not actually so bad.

I used to have a friend, who was pretty much older than me, that had hair growing on her nipple! Jesus Christ! She told me this - that's how I know! But serisously - on my nipple??? That might be the jump off a bridge moment for me, I don't know.

I won't go into "hair creep" in other areas.... let's just not go there.

My little guy, this one little beard hair, has turned into sort of a pet. Like I say - I do a S. Freud imitation when it's there, stroking my chin...  Someone once suggested electrolysis, but that seems so damn severe. And besides, doesn't that hurt? Burn? Something?

What does all this have to do with gratitude? Well first off my nipples, thank the Lord, are free and clear. Yay me! Second of all... I only have a group of one... one lovely, little beard hair. A solo act. I'm very grateful for that!