August 27 ... family reunions...

Ok so I'm a little nervous - hence the mass amounts of grocery shopping I have done over the last two days. That's what I do... I guess.. It calms me down when the fridge is over flowing.. I know this about  myself ... insight is ever only half that battle.. that's what I tell my clients :-). At least I'm not eating it all by myself.

So the girls are on their way with their boys, and Archie. And tomorrow son and my father are joining us, and by evening time there will likely be a full house.

I have decided this is going to be nice, calm, fun.... all the things our family wasn't through the years. If you believe something is possible.. then it is, no?

August 26 .... outta my head...

I'm grateful for my work. It gives me the opportunity to focus on someone else. Too often it's so hard to pull yourself out of your own drama. Let me rephrase that. Too often I have a hard time pulling myself out of my own drama. I like owning my stuff. Sometimes - when times are tough and relationships fraught with whatever, I can get caught up, or shut down, or numb, or rageful, or sad ...... so much so it gives me a splitting headache. I was there today - headache and all. Then I went to work. I worried it would really affect my work. Perhaps that's why it didn't - affect my work that is, because I paid attention to it. By the end of my work - no headache, no knot in the stomach, no sadness, no rage. Sometimes you just need to get outside of yourself - as a way to let things go. Wish I could bottle that.

I had a nice dinner out with Honey. Our last night alone before the arrival of Archie - who will inevitably change our lives without even trying. He will be bringing much needed light and joy into this house once all the grandkids leave.

I'm a little whooped from the drama - but not so much that I can't stand back and be grateful for what is fine and right and good in my life...

August 25 .... visitors...

Young daughter of mine and grandson Levi arrived this morning. Everyone is safe and sound and as I write, asleep. Levi is such a joyful baby. He demonstrates a great curiosity.  After having flown all night (all right he did more sleeping than flying, but still) .. he remained calm in my arms, as long as I angled him so he could watch everyone - while his mother went off in search of her luggage. Later in the day, while we were shopping, the same thing - he remained calm, interested, observant ... was quite the thing to behold. In the tub - he is calm, happy, as relaxed a baby as I have ever seen in the water. And always with the smiles...

Ok so sue me, I'm besotted with my darling grandson. He can do no wrong - even his crying is sweet, not annoying, almost inviting.

In two days middle daughter comes with monkey Jakob. He is also curious, funny, full of life and love. I can't wait!

What a salve to this aching heart, what a salve.

August 24 .... Perseverance.. and kisses

We are keeping at it, Honey and I. Keep reaching out.

I was rushing a lot today. We began our day with a great cycle. Came home and ran out shortly to clients at the office. I got to come home for lunch. I decided that I would go out to buy some of the things we needed for the arrival of Archie the pooch. I rushed back home - dumped the stuff - and had to run back to the office for more clients. As I was running to my car, Honey opened the front door, called out to me, pursed his lips asking for a kiss. My step was light as I ran back into his arms.

August 23 ... perseverance and persistence...

I imagine that the fact that Honey and I have been sailing some pretty stormy seas seems pretty obvious from my posts of late. It's been hard, on both of us. Neither one of us having an clear idea of what is causing the malaise, the distancing, the sadness and loneliness that has been growing like a bad weed between us. After 20 and half years... it seems you really do have to work at things sometimes to keep them floating, growing, nurturing.

We talked again. I feel like we pierced something last night, that some important truth surfaced, made things understandable. Where to go from here? We don't really know, but fortunately it feels like a "we" again - however tenuous, fragile, unsure ... it's a "we".

I'm not sure if it's the specter of mid-life, the realization of time left, the experience of crossing things off your list because you know or believe you won't get to them, existential stuff... there is a deep and heavy sadness that lives among us - and "we" are going to figure this out. We are. I'm not going anywhere.

August 22 ... weekends...

Another weekend of gratitude - spent with friends at their cottage. Yesterday Honey and I went on a major cycle - scenic, challenging, fun, rainy but OK. I felt strong, up to the task, glad for the opportunity.

Time with our friends was good, too much food and indulgence, lots of resting.

We watched Cesar Milan - the Dog Whisperer dude... preparing our hearts and minds for the coming of Archie.  I realize I'm cathecting an awful lot of hope onto that poor puppy. Please let him be the salve we're looking for.

I think however Honey and I are coming down with some kind of cold. So this is short and sweet.

August 19... dog days of summer

We are having the nicest summer we've had in years. So after a super frustrating morning of taking care of dad things again - found me out tending to gardens, cutting grass, picking tomatoes, and pitying my squash plant. At some point we will celebrate because I will in fact harvest ONE spaghetti squash! One! Which, on the grateful side of things, is better than none!

I have been reading up on puppy training and the like. Today, I am very excited (same physiological response right - panic, excitement - it's all in the head after that??) about Jackson's arrival next week. Best to be prepared.

I'm in a good place today. That cycle did wonders, and a weekend of that coming up sounds good to me.