April 21... reflections.. RIP

Today is the 5 year anniversary of my mother's death. I spent a lot of years mourning my mother's death long before it occurred - so I suppose I carry this anniversary differently than many might. Might I be grateful for that? I guess so. I have already written about the dreams I have of her, never nurturing or caring or loving... none of that. And yet, I still feel a need to name the day, the anniversary, to salute it somehow, acknowledge it. I would like to say acknowledge it as the end of hope finally, but if that were true I wouldn't cling to my dreams the way I do would I, and feel so disappointed in their outcome?

While I have made choices as a mother that stray far, far away from what would constitute a "good mother" - I hope that since I have learned how to actually be a mother (it's a process you know), that I never, ever, visit that kind of sadness and disappointment on my children. In the last bunch of years things have become quite lovely amongst us. And now young pregnant daughter and middle daughter are just blossoming as mothers themselves and letting me in on it as much as they feel they can, and its wonderful. Son and I have gone a bit astray I would say, but we know each other enough to know we'll find our way back.

I'm grateful that the model of motherhood my mother offered me, was not the only one available. I am grateful I had the good sense to listen to others, to forgive myself when that needed to happen, to remain open until my children's' wounds began to heal, and to allow this good to come between us.

There is heartache in the lines of today's post. And believe it or not I'm grateful for that because it tells me there is much meaning in the relationship between mother and daughter. It tells me things matter very much to both of us, it tells me there is a capacity to respect each other's needs, and while that may sometimes be a hugely difficult thing to do and live with, we can still remain in tact, loving, honest, a family.

I love you.