Calming Down...

I have been taking a yoga class since the beginning of the year, at Yoga On The Park on Sherbrooke. I love it there. It's peaceful. My teacher Joanne is patient and gentle and kind. I come away from the class relaxed, exhausted (because who knew Yoga could be such a workout??) and happy.

I have noticed a shift in myself. It used to be that I would fidget, bounce around, ham it up as it were - yes, even in a yoga class. I remember I once took an African dance class, meant as an exercise. I felt so self-conscious (jiggling around in front of a full length mirror) I actually asked the teacher if he wanted to pair it up with a self-esteem class (physician heal thyself I always say) ... my self-consciousness manifesting in my refusal to calm down and follow instructions, better to be noticed for the clown I can be than the uncomfortable student, ashamed of her body, or lack of dancing finesse .. or who knows what.

Well I'm really happy to report that on this side of 50 all that seems to have disappeared, not that I'm running to the next African dance class - but I am so much more centred and at peace and accepting of myself.  It isn't about what others see or are doing any more. I dont even need to be noticed by the teacher anymore - even though her gentle touch makes me feel special and cared for.  It's about my investment in me. It's about my relationship with my self, my body, my sense of who I am, the space I take up.

A lot of folk complain about aging... but I gotta tell you, the experience of no longer being tethered to a need for approval, or a need to be noticed is incredibly freeing. I'm grateful to be able to experience it. I'm grateful to be conscious enough to notice it.

June 16 ...Consciousness.. Progress....

I remember when I was young, most of my energy was focused on raging. No matter what was going on I would shout out "You have hurt me! You are wrong!! You are unfair! You are not well!" Like that. I would go on and on. As years went by, for some reason I shut down. I remember in university - I was about 30 something, I was sitting in a circle of about 40 or so people. Two people on either side of me started a conflict. I froze, couldn't speak, blanked out ... the teacher (thank you M, I don't know if you remember this) caught it and called me on it, taught me to recognize it, guided me toward empowering myself. Well I did.

As things go, the pendulum swung the opposite way - so that I was all about raging again but in a more adult way. What that looked like was me speaking before thinking, jumping up at injustices, not picking my battles. A wonderful example of this was when I was an admissions counsellor at Concordia. I was in a meeting with other counsellors - some who represented the John Molson School of Business. In the meeting Maria said "John Molson decided that they were going to cut the grades off at B+" .. to which I jumped up and shouted emphatically "John Molson is dead!!!" - and Maria with all the serenity of a monk responded, "The school Heidi, not the man." I actually had to leave the meeting because I could not contain my laughter. At least I can laugh at myself!!!

 Lately, with the group I am involved in, I have been challenged, both in my role in this group, as well as on an interpersonal level. The "old me" would charge in, name a wrong, stir up shit I guess, think I was doing good - and probably had the intention of doing so - but chaotic, un-thought out action rarely results in much good. Oh my how far I have come. Instead, I am learning, making connections, checking for support and happily finding it, planning for the next time, being patient. I feel kind of grown up. I feel safe. I feel empowered. I feel conscious. On Oprah today, she was telling a woman you are not conscious, you are not aware of your impact on your environment - whether your kids, husband or yourself. You have to live consciously and with intent. I'm there I think.