February 19 ... Shit Happens...

Hi. Are you pondering what there is to be grateful for? I like thinking about it... it makes the "bad" stuff not so bad.

So I wonder what I looked like yesterday, as I excitedly decided I had time to go for a swim, putting away the book I was reading, and on my way downstairs, slipping on the top stair, careening down, and landing on my duff at the bottom. Startled? Surprised? Angry? I don't know... I then crawled to the phone, called Honey, and bawled like a baby for about ten minutes. Some days are like that I guess.. you need to bawl after something happens. I am grateful I give myself the room to do that. I really am.

And today I am really, really very grateful that it's nothing more than a sore bum cheek. And a sore baby toe. Believe me, I know it could have been much, much worse, given the acrobatics I performed on my way down. So yes, gratitude.

I am also finding reason to be grateful that my work is waxing and waning... the profession that I am in has a tendency to work according to feast or famine principles, and since it is all about dealing with human beings and their emotional and psychological states, there can be absolutely nothing predictable in the managing of such a business. So some weeks you have them lining up at the door, and some weeks there is no one at the door! This is not a business for the faint of heart. And while I could (and used to!) spend my time bemoaning the temporary drop, or feeding into the negative thoughts that sometimes accompany the anxiety - those voices that say aha! see! you do NOT have a viable business - I say to those thoughts.. up yours, yes I do. And I am learning to take advantage of these periods of rest, to appreciate what the therapy Gods are sending my way. I am developing a discipline to use this time to build.. not to moan or worry or fret. And the building begets an inviting energy, begets a belief in myself and the work that I do, and the viability of my business.

I am really very full of gratitude today. How about you?

February 14 .... Motherhood...

Motherhood... my day today has revolved around motherhood. My dearest friend, a mother, is suffering. She is worried sick, scared, sad ... she feels that no one is listening. Another young woman I know, soon to be a mother, is not feeling very good. She is worried sick, scared, sad ... she feels no one is listening. While the two are a generation apart .. neither know what lies down the road. Neither feel secure. Neither are finding any gratitude in their circumstance .. today.

I have had my turn with that. At the moment, I worry about my youngest, pregnant daughter, and really, just because that's what mothers do right?, worry about their young, pregnant daughters.

I know of another mother, her son has moved away, far away, I think in a bid to establish his autonomy and independence. It certainly is time for him to do that - anyone outside the drama would say so. Yet mother is sad, clinging, trying to induce feelings of guilt in her son whether she knows it or not, because the pain of separation for her is so great. And sadly, if she actually knew what she was inflicting on her son, she would feel horrible. But that's part of the drama isn't it? Some mothers want their kids to stay around. For some of us, the relationships with our children are front and centre, and we somehow, sometimes, expect it to be the same for them - that their relationship with us is front and centre. But it can't be. Right? It just can't be that way. And that, for many a mother, is a terribly bitter pill to swallow. For some of us, separation seems impossible. If only we understood how necessary it was.

But motherhood is not only about worry and separation. I am glad to report my kids for the most part are thriving. While they have taken up their share of the worry pie, I get to relax, not have a nagging worry about them, not lose sleep, know that they are strong individuals now, capable of making choices they can benefit from. I am actually quite grateful for that.

I am grateful that my youngest avails herself of her mother's ability to listen. I am grateful my middle girl is writing our history - my memory needs the help! I am grateful that my son believes our relationship important and cherishes it.

My mother-in-law today, brought us (the kids :-)) soup and lasagna. What a treat!

Much gratitude can be found in motherhood... I am grateful.