February 19 ... Shit Happens...

Hi. Are you pondering what there is to be grateful for? I like thinking about it... it makes the "bad" stuff not so bad.

So I wonder what I looked like yesterday, as I excitedly decided I had time to go for a swim, putting away the book I was reading, and on my way downstairs, slipping on the top stair, careening down, and landing on my duff at the bottom. Startled? Surprised? Angry? I don't know... I then crawled to the phone, called Honey, and bawled like a baby for about ten minutes. Some days are like that I guess.. you need to bawl after something happens. I am grateful I give myself the room to do that. I really am.

And today I am really, really very grateful that it's nothing more than a sore bum cheek. And a sore baby toe. Believe me, I know it could have been much, much worse, given the acrobatics I performed on my way down. So yes, gratitude.

I am also finding reason to be grateful that my work is waxing and waning... the profession that I am in has a tendency to work according to feast or famine principles, and since it is all about dealing with human beings and their emotional and psychological states, there can be absolutely nothing predictable in the managing of such a business. So some weeks you have them lining up at the door, and some weeks there is no one at the door! This is not a business for the faint of heart. And while I could (and used to!) spend my time bemoaning the temporary drop, or feeding into the negative thoughts that sometimes accompany the anxiety - those voices that say aha! see! you do NOT have a viable business - I say to those thoughts.. up yours, yes I do. And I am learning to take advantage of these periods of rest, to appreciate what the therapy Gods are sending my way. I am developing a discipline to use this time to build.. not to moan or worry or fret. And the building begets an inviting energy, begets a belief in myself and the work that I do, and the viability of my business.

I am really very full of gratitude today. How about you?

February 9 ... the Process...

So I had a big enough day, how about you? Are you reflecting on what to be grateful for? I know I am.

Sometimes, as I think we have already discovered together, we grow through adversity. We grow when we understand our pain, and empathize with the pain of others. We grow when we are challenged and rise to meet that challenge. And we rise to meet that challenge, sometimes shaking in our boots, thinking, knowing in fact, that this is going to hurt. But we do it because we have to .. I do it because I have to, I have to push myself, grow, learn, be... I just have to.

So today my wise woman teacher did just that, she challenged me, she "pushed" me. I don't do well with being "pushed". It scares me, it scares the shit out of me, makes me feel white hot, makes me feel small, unheard, unprotected, helpless, I hate it. And because "pushing" me has that kind of power, it's important I learn, important I understand, important I keep myself from drowning in all that when I'm confronted.

"You got legs" I was told. I almost wish she would read this. You got legs, so use them. Ok.... so I get up in my blind fear, protecting myself all along, but I get up! I move out of the way of what's trying to push at me. I got up and out of the way. I can do this.

She goes and gets a notepad, because she wants to reinforce the lesson by drawing a map, I don't know, and then she comes and sits beside me. I find my head on her shoulder, I find myself crying. I find myself being taken care of. That's the process. I am grateful. I have learned two things today: I've got legs and I can use them, and I can be taken care of.

I really am very grateful.