June 30 ... Grandmotherhood...

I have to tell you... there is no better feeling in the world than your daughter placing your grandson in your arms and saying "Here, you deal.. I need some sleep". Then you change, and feed, and play, and coo... and put the little man happily to bed. And the house is quiet and all is well and my heart is very, very full ....

I know I'm biased.... but oh my God, that baby is absolutely perfect. We all are aren't we?

June 29 ... motherhood, the process

I am not sure what is going on with me. I am ever so thankful and grateful to be here with my daughter and her family. My grandson is precious. The rhythm between Peanut and I seems good and comfortable. The distance as I experience it, between my son-in-law and myself, is not about me, and it's all good.

I got text messages from middle daughter. She was in the midst of a drama. I apparently didn't respond in quite the fashion she had hoped and so was angry with me. I felt at a loss: loss of interest, loss of energy... not feeling able to stand up and meet the challenge of comforting her.

I don't think myself a good mother. Due to my history and the choices I have made as a mother - I feel there is much to make up for always, none of the relationships are free of trepidation, unsureness, unconditional anything... how could my actions of the past have been interpreted as unconditional? That is one of the big problems I guess for divorced parents.. how can your child possibly understand your love for them as unconditional if in fact you left? So what happens? You spend the rest of your life making up for it... feeling always on the edge of a cliff because of it, never really sure of your place.

On the other hand... Peanut trusts me enough to leave me alone with her son. Many a mother I'm sure would think me nuts for being surprised at this. It is how it is supposed to be. Well it's a big deal to me. And you know what .. I'm grateful for it.

Levi just woke crying... I waited, went and soothed him, and such an overwhelming sense of love took hold of me... as it does when I hold him... I KNOW this was there for my children. I know this. What does that morph into? There is a depth and a fullness to the love I feel for Levi. It's pure. It's beautiful. That love exists for my children as well. I know this. I wish they did.

When that wellspring of love surfaces as it just did ... that is gratitude.

June 27 ..... A man of Canmore...

I don't understand how people live here. I walk out side and am instantly agog at the mountains. They are everywhere. At the BBQ last night I asked people, some of whose families have lived here for over a hundred years!! I asked them, do you ever tire of the mountains? Is it possible to become blase about them? I am stupified by them. Young daughter will ask me an important question while we're driving and I'm tuned out.... gawking...

At one point today son-in-law noticed a rescue operation going on on one of the mountains.. he called out to Peanut and she got me and we all watched. Then they sat and watched for at least an hour how birds, presumably eagles, were dive-bombing for food. I am very grateful that my daughter has found a man who finds that interesting, who is mesmerized by nature, who has a healthy and immense respect for nature. THAT makes me happy.

It takes my breath away sometimes to see the values I hold dear - obviously nature, its care, the beauty of the mountains, Winnetou... I see those values being held and shared between my daughter and her mate, soon with her son, my grandson. I love the continuity.

June 26 .... Continued...

Grandson fell asleep in my arms, much to his mum's chagrin, several times today. I seem to have the midas touch... yay me, and yay Levi.

We went on an awesome drive today. Spray Lake.... it looks downright unreal it's so awesomely beautiful. I will show pictures upon my return home, as I don't know how to do it from where I am
.. and it's not a phone pic.

It's been a long, pleasant day ...

My apologies for the brevity of these posts these days - but the days are indeed long and full, and it seems I'm too spent to be able to share all that's amazing and wonderful in the world.. although much there is.

June 25 ... magnificence...

I arrived in Calgary at 11 a.m. Young daughter of mine looks amazing, my grandson is magnificent. He cooed at me! Watching daughter take care of the young man, I am filled with pride. I participated in giving a bath - and he loooovvves his bath! He was sooo happy in his bath. I'm in awe, happy, loving the time with my daughter and her little family.

And then of course there are the mountains. I can't be here and not notice the mountains. They are magnificent. I have already gone on the first of many walks.

I am now whooped proper... and need to go to bed. Tomorrow pictures, and more about all this magnificence around me.

June 24.... out of the blue..

Howdy. So, after a full day of work I am on vacation for 10 days. I am leaving in the morning for a trip to Canmore to see Peanut and family including new baby Levi .. and the Rockies. I could stop right there because God knows that's enough to be grateful about! However...

When I got home, I knew I had to do the bank run, and offered Honey to do a run to the grocery store - not wanting to leave him with an empty fridge and all. Well.. as most of us, or some of us, understood, the stores are all closed today.. oops. Oh well, I guess he will get what he needs and wants without me. All good.

So we do that bank run anyway - and then we stop at the local Louisianan place called Lucille's. We shared a bunch of pints, Calamari, and Ribs.. and I'm happy and sated, and totally grateful for the spontaneity of it all. I didn't like the idea of leaving here for ten days and being happier about leaving than I was about arriving. It's not a good place to be. So here is my gratitude for out of the blue decisions, fun, having Ireland dealt with, laughing together, allowing things to happen...... things don't always have to be a shit storm, do they?

June 23...... The Stone of Compassion.

So I feel a little unsettled with how I ended my post yesterday. Grateful for loving someone sounds wrong. But the truth of it is my dad and I had a crappy life together until he showed up at my door homeless. I spent a lot of years being really, very angry at him. He was a brute, physically, verbally, emotionally. He is narcissistically  disordered. He is a man of his time and generation. He was violent and egocentric. He never gave a shit about anyone but himself really, unless there was something to gain from the other person. He is however, also a boy who survived the burning of his city, the bombing of his grandmother's house in which he lost several relatives, he was a baby who was left with his brother in a playpen for a large part of the day while mother and father went out to work, he is the brother of an alcoholic, and was the husband of one for many years. He is a man who failed at business, marriage and parenting.

Some years ago, I learned how to carry the stone of compassion. This may sound bizarre but I get it .. so I share it this way. The stone of compassion for me was a real blessing. It does not weigh what the stone of anger weighs. It really doesn't. The stone of compassion lets you grow, leaves you room to grow, to be kind to yourself. The stone of anger eats away at you, doesn't leave you any room for much else, least of all yourself.  I was able to learn how to carry the stone of compassion for my mother as well. So important to take the person in the context of their lives. Oh my God, I just had an epiphany - it makes total sense that I am the "type" of therapist I am - systemically oriented - believing and relying on the understanding of context to help people. Wow. I have been able to use compassion not as a way to forget necessarily, and I'm not even sure about forgiving - but truth be told all that isn't necessary once you carry the stone of compassion instead of the stone of anger. The two - anger and compassion - can not coexist. They can't. And yes, it is totally a choice - which stone you choose to carry.

My dad was shaped into being a prick. My mother was shaped into being an alcoholic. It could have been different but it wasn't. I choose the stone of compassion. For this, I am grateful.

and ps .. no we didn't find the wallet .. more on that tomorrow.