Friday, December 31, 2010

December 31 .... Ending like I began...

Good evening. Well here I am.. having posted 255 days out of 365 days. While I'm short what - 110 days.. I still feel pretty pleased with how I did.

I want to begin by saying I am ending the year the way I began... grateful. I have had one of the best "Christmas Seasons" ever. Family came together, we ate, we gifted, we spent time together .. I'm still reveling in it all. I spent time with both grandsons, all three kids, and Honey - and all of it was wonderful.

In my last blog I talked about my "Christmas Cloud" I was on. How I had this full throttle fantasy going on about how wonderful and gingerbready my holiday was going to be - and then all these calls came in - money problem here, relationship problem there, ... and things felt for a moment like they were crumbling. Something snapped for me then - this was my family. My family with all it's warts and farts and what not, like a page out of a Carol Shields book, Larry's Party to be precise. I come away from this year feeling a deep appreciation, love and respect for each of my kids, for my whole family, for all of our struggles.

I am grateful for the time I still have with my father. What a difficult and complicated relationship that used to be. Now, in my father's autumn years, I see how he is affected by my presence, by what ever time I give to him. I will endeavor to do more, I promise. I am grateful for whatever capacity he still has left to enjoy what he can - and when he does, like he did on his birthday, singing and dancing with me - it makes me feel like a good human being, a good daughter - and I find myself grateful for his company and my capacity to forgive and to love.

I'm grateful I have become the mother that I am. I watch my daughters struggle - making choices I think I made myself - that if I could turn back time and make them over again, I wouldn't. But they have their journey to make, their stories to write .. and I admire them in their struggles and want them to know I am here. I watch my son work hard at becoming a good man. Life is not easy, it hasn't been altogether kind to my children - but as each of us grows, and informs the others of that exact possibility - so we grow as a family, so we heal.

I am grateful for my work this year. I am grateful for my work regardless - but this year I reached a milestone of sorts that I am very proud of. I have worked hard at building my practice, reaching out, making connections, and putting the deep need to be present with every one of my clients at the forefront of my work. I must be doing something right! And again - my sincere gratitude for the privilege each and every one of my clients affords me in allowing me to accompany them on their journeys. It really is an honour.

Honey and I have gone through what I would call a tough year. Yet here we are, tonight especially, having spent an awesome week in Canmore together, with my daughter and grandson, but also more importantly with each other. We have worked hard on our stuff - particularly in the last few months - and the work has paid off. I am eternally grateful for our stability, our sense of connection, our commitment to each other. And I say to you young daughter - the nice, quiet, Jewish musician guy isn't such a bad catch.

The practice of acknowledging gratitude has also left me feeling well, grateful. The practice has made me more aware, more attentive, more present. I notice the colour of the sky, the smell of the flowers, the breeze on my face, the sunrise and sunset, the snow falling, the stars shining, raindrops that have collected on a bush making it look like diamonds tinkling, the wildlife I have been entitled enough to meet with, Ireland - all of Ireland, music, silence, space. I have learned to appreciate, been present for, and am grateful for all of it.

So as the hour draws near, I want to wish all of you - whoever you are that has read this blog over the year - a most hearty and healthy of New Years. Find the space in you that can appreciate and feel grateful ... it is a gift unto yourself like no other. Peace be with you.

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