Sunday, October 31, 2010

October 31.... ahhhhh .. a perfect day...

That my dear peeps, is the sound and sigh of one contented Princess. Today my friend and I went to Rawdon to the Bain des Sources Spa. Embedded inside Laurentian mountains - this spa has hot and cold pools/tubs, a eucalyptus steam room, the cold pools are actual mountain streams, a dry sauna, an awesome place to eat with a big fireplace, a fireplace outside, and the whole in the most beautiful country side setting possible. They have added a new building  - which is massage central.. and this has been my third massage there and they have some of the best masseuses ever.

And to have this day with my dear friend Christiane.. made it a double, nay, triple pleasure. Sometimes... you just gotta take some care of yourself. And like I tweeted today - when you take care of yourself you are not being selfish.. what you are doing is helping the universe provide. I stand by that :).

And then... to come home and hear Honey had a great time playing! Music! And he'll be doing it again! Oh Joy!

Some days.. are perfect.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

October 27... Relating....

I was just going to write about the women in my life, and how we relate as opposed to what it seems that men tend to do, and I realized it's my mother's birthday. Oddly enough my mother was not one for relating. She chose instead to remain isolated - and whether she did that by numbing herself with alcohol, or deciding she couldn't allow herself to need anyone, she never developed the capacity to relate. I'm grateful not everything is inherited.

I spent most of my day with my friend Christiane at her atelier. I'm trying those lampions again - remember them?! She remarked on our friendship while we had lunch together, said she so appreciated how her and I could pick up from where we left off regardless of the time between contact. We relate to each other, and we relate at a deep and meaningful level. And it doesn't matter what we talk about - whether it's about our kids, or the state of my couple, or the state of hers... we relate, we support, we love, and we laugh.

Isn't that just awesome?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

October 26 .... Work

I have had a big work day. So today's gratitude is a shout out to those brave and wonderful people who privilege me with their stories, their trust, their self. What they come and do with me is hard, hard work. Not for the faint of heart to be sure. I cherish the trust people give me. I respect the awesome journey I get to witness. 

Thank you for letting me do what I do. For doing it with me. 

My heart is full.

Monday, October 25, 2010

October 25 ...contemplation..

I miss my daily contemplation of gratitude. I used to walk around, back and forth to my office let's say, and contemplate what to be grateful for. I used to think of things and say to myself, there is something to put in the blog. I haven't been doing that lately. It's as though the blog has slowly been slipping from my consciousness. It isn't that I'm less grateful, or not grateful ... but I find myself less conscious of it. I think that's a bad thing. I also wonder - is that the same process that damages relationships, that the thought and act of loving slips from one's consciousness, it no longer is an active verb - but a passive backdrop to whatever else is going on? I think that's sad too.

It takes energy to love. It takes energy to be grateful, to exercise, to take care of yourself, to reach out, to act, to appreciate, to acknowledge, to connect. It takes energy to think and be and do. It takes energy to be a wife, mother, daughter, friend ... teacher, student... you name it. It takes energy to create, paint, play, throw clay.

It takes a wish to invest, in yourself, in those around you, in those you love.

I choose to invest.

Friday, October 22, 2010

October 22 .. Finally....

Hi there. So while I have indeed been neglectful - I would also like to say that I have had a dickens of a time getting on to Blogger. What's up with that? For three nights in a row now I have not been able to access the blog. Those are my excuses for now.

Alrighty - gratitude - it's there. There is lots good happening. Since I last wrote....  Honey and I are doing wonderful (even if the last two days has found me crabby). Even better, our weekly torture session this week, as we euphemistically call it, got cancelled! Now there's two happy people. Again, I have to say, couple therapy works when you do the work, it works when you let it work, and it works when you suffer yourself through the process. As a professional in the business, I have a whole new respect for my clients. Man is it hard work - to allow yourself to be that vulnerable, to trust that much, to share that openly. It is hard. But it is soooooo worth it.

One of the highlights in the past week has been the reintroduction of music into the home, into the soul of a man. And while I am suffering somewhat from the exclusion - I'll deal with it. I'm a big girl. I'll niggle my way back in... in the mean time, you play, piano man. You allow yourself whatever room you need. Grow. It's good for what ails you.

There's nothing quite like getting lost in our art is there. I remember those days - the smell of clay, I even like the smell of oil paints, toxic as they can be. Time I dug all that stuff out.... me too I need some fun.

Friday, October 15, 2010

October 15 ... TGIF...

It's Friday. It's POURING outside. One of those Fall storms, cold, wet,  necessary as a means of getting all the leaves to fall I guess. I'm here on the couch, with my tea (had my oatmeal cookies) .. in my sweats... I can tell I'm not going very far tonight!

Some Fridays are like that. Glad to be home, end of the responsibility for at least the weekend, time to unplug the phone... ah the nice quiet space I can allow myself.

I'm going to take a little snooze I think.

Can you hear that contented sigh?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

October 13... Princess Day

It's October 13.. and, while I have taken a few days off here and there... here I am still blogging about gratitude! I'm proud of myself :).

Today was a Princess Day. So what did I do....  I skyped with my grandson! He is actually responding to me through the computer! Obviously it's not the same as holding him, being with him, or young daughter for that matter - but I can engage him. I find that very exciting. It's not long before Grandma Heidi is reading stories to him!!! I also received a beautiful thank you card from young daughter and her man. It was beautiful - and touching, because really, it's me who thanks her!

Honey and I did our work today too. What a difference that has made in our lives. For example, here we are, toying with the idea of getting a rescue dog, considering inviting a dog in where Doogie once was. We are both hesitating, both of us are, because all of a sudden we so appreciate this space and energy between us we don't want a diversion. Can you imagine, after 21 years we are excited at the prospect of each other! And I have to say .. it's humbling to hear it from him, to have it expressed by him, not just a ditto of what I'm saying, not just echoing me .. but something that came of it's own volition, to me, about me, for me maybe, even. A girl could get used to this you know. A girl could start to feel a bit like a Princess. And when you hear that, you open your heart more, and when you open your heart more, you grow, together. There's gratitude for you.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

October 12 ... Happy Birthday...

Today is the birthday of a young man I know in Mexico. I met him in 2002 (I'm pretty sure that was the year). I haven't seen him since 2003. We had a student/helper relationship for an academic year. This wonderful guy, who came to me confused and homesick, used to tell me how helpful what we did together was for him, how grateful he was to have met me, how much he had learned about himself.

Well .. I want to pay that back. He needs to know that at a time in my "career" when I was in fact being bullied at work, he was a voice that kept coming back to me, kept reminding me why I do what I do, kept cheering me on. Years later we connect on Facebook, I see he is flourishing, I can't tell how happy that makes me. And still he feels free to talk and connect with me, still says how lovely of an experience it was ... and again, I feel strengthened, supported, vindicated which I figure is not a good word to use - but bullying does things to a person - makes them doubt themselves, makes them not believe what they are doing is any good, leads them to give up on themselves.

I remember - that this relationship, my belief and ability to connect authentically, be supportive, and so much more - allowed me to realize that I was in fact in the wrong place, that I did in fact need to go back to school to formalize what I was doing, put myself on the path I am on now. I didn't need to be bullied for that to happen, what I needed was to believe in myself ... and this young Mexican man really helped me do that.

Gratitude is a funny thing. I can't with all good conscience say that I am glad I was bullied - because that was one of the worst experiences of my life - but the work I did as an International Student Advisor certainly woke up the "therapy" bug in me, made me hungry for more, set me on my way. What I am grateful for was to have the hand of my friend to right the ship a wee bit in those dreadfully stormy days. I am not so sure I would be "here" without that hand....

I am eternally grateful for having known you.

Monday, October 11, 2010

October 11.... giving thanks....

Honey and I were away for the weekend. What a fantastic weekend it was. Memorable moments included soaking in the hot tub - two days in a row! Having picnics despite the autumn chill in the air - after having cycled the first 30 km of our 70 km day. Having found my glasses after they fell out of my pocket on kilometer number I don't know 50 or so, and only realizing I had lost them at kilometer 57 or so? That's a lot to be grateful for right there. But there's more.

Autumn in the Laurentians, cycling through Arundel farm country - oh my God is it beautiful there. A lovely room and a lovely B & B, some nice talking and loving with Honey, discovering new places together, feeling happy with each other's company, two great dinners together, laughing, loving, taking awfully good care of each other.

I'm giving thanks for all this richness in my life. I know I'm fortunate, I know it won't always be this way, but I also know most of what I need to do to keep it this way is cherish it.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

October 6 ... those that can ...

So what's that expression .. those that can - do, those that can't - teach ... I hope I have that right... I would like to challenge that thought. Why? Because I LOVE teaching. Seriously. I find it exciting, rewarding, enriching, all about connection. Ok so I guess it depends to some degree on what it is you teach - but maybe not. And I don't understand for the life of me why it is so difficult to get gigs where you get to teach. Apparently if you follow your heart and do what you love you get to do it. And for the most part that has worked out for me. I love my work, love the connections I make, love the journeys I'm ever so privileged to join people on. But man I love to teach.

So while I was just going to go on about not doing it enough, I caught myself... this is gratitude... I am very thankful for the evening I had, for the opportunity I did in fact get to teach. I thrived on the sharing and connection. Thank you universe.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

October 5 .... an amazing Fall day.

I remember when writing in the Spring - I went on for quite sometime about the weather. How amazed I was at the early Spring, the warm weather, the wonderful paucity of snow.

Well seems it's getting bookended by the Fall. What a glorious day it was today. Too warm for the sweater I was carting around, the colors on the trees amazing, the smell in the air delicious, just lots to smile about. I took advantage to garden, and pulled out what will be my last vegetable garden - I can't fight all the growing trees that are making my sunny vegetable garden into a shady I don't know - English garden I guess? We'll see next year I suppose.

And this weekend, me and Honey, a getaway! With our bikes! To the awesome Laurentians - and I'm visiting Winnetou!!

Lot's to be grateful for.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

October 3 ....where understanding grows

I have had a lovely weekend. On Friday, Honey stepped up, showed up, and took nice care of me after a tough work week. I really needed that - and it seems I didn't know how much till we were done.

Yesterday, we went for a walk on the mountain together. It was beautiful. Changing colours, crisp air, holding hands and talking. Later that evening we had dinner guests and we had a nice time.

Today we did a 50K cycle. We went to a new cycling path and it was absolutely gorgeous.

Hanging out with Honey has been a down right pleasure these days. It got me to thinking...

When something happens to jeopardize your attachment to someone... it's such a scary thing. I hope the next time (well truth be told, I hope there is no next time) ... but if there is, I hope next time I have the sense to recognize that's what's going on.. that the attachment between the two of us is being challenged (neglected, compromised) .. I hope I recognize the set of feelings that kicks up when that happens.. .and I hope to hell I have the where-with-all to recognize that and react differently, so that the time spent in that state is only as long as it takes me to recognize it. My cues are a deep sense of loneliness, aloneness, sadness, a good dose of anxiety. And all that because I felt like my connection was deeply troubled.

That's an awful lot to simply say, I'm really grateful for my connection with Honey. I'm really grateful I can take an ordinary walk with him and still feel crazy in love. I have missed that. I'm grateful that we both choose to keep working at this, to keep taking care, that we both see how precious we are as a team.