Sunday, February 28, 2010

February 28 .... authenticity

Today, I find myself struggling with authenticity. Especially here. I got some wonderful and valuable feedback about what I share in this space from several of you. What I have heard has been echoing my own sentiments. So I'm conflicted, but I'm learning. My intention was to reflect on gratitude, daily, for a year. Because I am stubborn, I will hold myself to this task. But maybe the "task" is not to necessarily "be" grateful - so I don't have to make stuff up, or pretend that I'm grateful for I don't know - let's say an Olympic Gold in Hockey... that's not what I want to be grateful for. Am I making any sense? The task is to reflect .. and if that reflection doesn't bring up something I might find myself grateful for .. well that says something in and of itself, doesn't it?

So with an open, honest heart I say to you... I am really grateful for the connections and relationships I have where the people that love me are open, honest, invested in me and I in them. That we can exchange without threat or malice, instead with love and good intention, with a wish for growth. That we can offer each other the room to be different one from the other and appreciate that, and learn from it. That's why I'm here. That's why I'm here here - in this marriage, in these friendships, in this blog.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

February 27 ... learning..

Good Saturday to you.

At the clay atelier today I struggled. The process of making those lampions is complicated. I remembered I had a lamp in the basement. It's a conical thing - and I was able to remove the orange cylinder and thereby have a stand (!) for a porcelain lampion should I succeed in making one - that large. When I do it will be amazing - because the stand comes with the contraption that holds a light bulb.. so the lampion will become a lamp shade. Well, I can tell you I didn't succeed today. I saw the whole thing buckling by the time I left. However.. all that being said... I sure did learn a lot about the process today. Christiane, the atelier "den-mother", was teaching a new student, which made her not available for my whining and questioning. I had to figure things out. And while I didn't during the process I believe I have got it now. All that struggling resulted in something good. I am grateful. I am also very excited about my next time at the atelier. Bring it on!

After the session, Christiane and I sat and talked for a while. I have mentioned before how grateful I am for our friendship. It's easy to share with her, easy to listen, easy to love. Much gratitude.

Friday, February 26, 2010

February 26 ... TGIF and Life

Hi everyone. Happy Friday. While my week was not stressful at all, and I am feeling content and happy, I still like the feeling of a Friday night. We're having fresh pasta and a nice little bottle of red tonight... how about you?

I'm grateful. Why? Well I'm glad you asked. I'm reflecting on my gratitude because this Friday night dinner thing with Honey is now twenty years old and you know what, I still look forward to it. Nice chillin' music, nice meal, time to connect, tonight will probably involve more Olympics, but it will all be niceness. After twenty years. I'm really grateful.

I remember when I started this blog. A friend of mine wrote - considering the very real alternative, being alive is something to be grateful for - something like that. What I take from that is I ought to be grateful to be alive. Well ya. And in thinking about that today I thought.. geez do you ever really contemplate that? Contemplate being grateful to be alive. Grateful for life. It seems so big of a thing to be grateful for. Seems so obvious, but when you think about that what do you come up with? I don't know if I'm making any sense. It seems almost flippant - ya ya I'm grateful I'm alive - but what might "being" grateful that you're alive be like? How does that express itself? I would imagine it (the gratitude for life) expresses itself in me really living my life. Being present to it. Not being complacent. Appreciating and noticing. Noticing the smell and colour and texture of life. Living with gratitude. Living gratefully. Sounds simple enough. Try it.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

February 25 .. all good things..

Hi peeps!! How goes? Grateful? Of course you are!!!

I am having one of those "happy" days. I love those. I wake up happy (and in no pain!!! God Bless hormones!!), I like Honey, he likes me, work is great, work is fun, and on it goes. I wish I could bottle this energy, this mood, this feeling of vitality and comfort and ease.

A client of mine said to me today, you seem like someone who doesn't want for anything, you seem content, happy, not stressed. Wow! That's all I have to say. I should probably "interpret" that! But I was "pegged", cause you know what, that's it, that's how I feel today.

I am always grateful when I have days like this. I guess maybe the last two years - which have been peak perimenopausal years and about as much fun as having root canal EVERY BLOODY DAY - have taught me how to appreciate, really appreciate, when things are going well. Most people probably take a good night sleep for granted .. not me!!! No sir! It seems easy to find things to be grateful for when you feel well. You always hear "old people" saying "You have to take care of your health, without your health you have nothing". Ever hear anyone say that? Sure you have. Well, either I am one of those "old people" now, or like I said, my last two years have taught me a valuable lesson.

Today, I am grateful for sleep, wellness, my back pain being virtually gone, my experience of joy and calmness today, how I feel content, satisfied, successful. How I feel the gratitude I am cultivating.

Life is good folks! What are you grateful for?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

February 24 ... Princess Wednesdays and then some

Princess Wednesday everyone!! What are you doing to pamper yourself today? What are you doing for YOU?

So far today I have had a great workout with trainer-dude. One session more and our relationship is over and my fitness becomes fully my responsibility! Well I'm proud of what I have done with him so far. I am very grateful that my back and body cooperated today. I feel great. No pain. Always lots of gratitude around that. I swam for 20 minutes too and that always feels great.

On a different note, we're at that point in the winter where most of the time our response to another snowfall is usually a swear word, or ugh, or something not happy sounding. But I tell you, I am looking out my window as I write and it's just soooo pretty. It's hard to feel anything but appreciative for it. There is something about stopping and admiring nature that always makes me feel happy, connected, grateful.

And finally, for today, young pregnant daughter reached out last night, told me she had been reading my blog, said it was good to be understanding me better. She had an emotional reaction to the essays posted on the Writing Blog. She said she would be interested in reading more. I'm at once elated, thankful, yes of course grateful; and afraid, hesitant, fearful of our very delicate and shaky bond. My interpretation. I can only hope and pray we're able to stay open, continue talking, continue healing, continue learning about each other, continue maybe forgiving, or accepting, or maybe both. I'm grateful that all this possibility exists. I love you daughter. And I am ever so very grateful for your presence in my life. Always have been.

Warm heart to you all.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

February 23 ... the smarts

So here I am... February 23, I have been blogging for 53 days now!

At the moment I am deep into concentrating on this database project I have returned to, using Access. I love challenging myself to learn new things. I love coming up against my stubborn streak - I have a huge manual on my lap (thank you Honey) .. yet I will still "waste" tons of time "trying" different things before "giving up", reading the book, and doing it right! But it's fun!!

I am really grateful for how smart I am. I was well into my twenties before I understood that. Sadly, up until then I was always told the contrary. Europeans have a terrible and grating way of using the word "idiot" - "eejut" ... when that is what you are called, you grow up thinking a certain way about yourself. Well I can tell you all, that is one thing I have certainly overcome! I love how smart I am, love using my brain, am a learning junkie.. and all because to me it's fun. It's fun to solve problems, it's fun to learn something new... my last official class was neuropsychobiology ... (I think) .. fascinating!!! And I love that about my profession, that it is an actual requirement that I continue learning. Yay me!

Ok .. back to understanding how to create relationships between database tables... yikes!

I am grateful, I feel grateful.... how about you? What are you grateful for today?

Oh big PS... Clapton and Beck were terrific!!! My favourites were Moon River (believe it or not!!) and Puccini's Nessun Dorma (believe it or not - crazy!!!).

Monday, February 22, 2010

February 22... in case I don't get back in time...

I don't plan on missing a single day of being grateful and sharing it with you...

So I just got home, am real grateful that my dinner is ready cause I gotta eat fast...

Running out the door to go see Eric Clapton tonight!!! On the floor!!! Close to the man himself!!

Hell ya I'm grateful!!!!

If I get back early enough... I'll write again...

Otherwise, please note, my gratitude is here... sincere... and real!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

February 21 .. appreciating beauty..

Hi everyone. I'm excited about my attitude of gratitude! Are you?

Our day began with an hour and a half walk on the mountain. What a glorious day. GLORIOUS!!! Warm enough, sunny as can be, lots of birds singing - just beautiful. And given we have had a nice falling of snow over the last few days it was just spectacular up there today. Loveliness!!

Then, Honey took me to see the Tiffany Exhibit at the Museum. Holy Cow ... to see such beautiful things, walking around with a permanent smile on your face, Mr. Tiffany's use of colour, yum yum and yum. I also rented the headset and was treated to wonderful music to go along with the things of beauty I was looking at. What an uplifting and lovely experience. Some of the vases, tiny little things, looking seductive and sensual, peacock feathers, dragon flies, oh my just gorgeous. Lots of candy for my tired old brain - and a definite must on our to-do list - go look at more beautiful things!!! It's good for you! Me! Us! Next week I am hoping to catch the Van Gogh show at the IMAX.

And then I came home, and cousin Z posted a link to images of the Olympics.. beautiful! What great, great shots. Here, go have a peek if you're not to Olympicked out already .. they're fabulous. I especially like number 35 :-) ..

Take some time, treat your brain...

I am very grateful for all the beauty in my life.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

February 20 .. Some days everything is funny!

Hi lovely people. How are you today? Joyful? Grateful? I'm all that today...

As a new blogger, I have been reading other blogs - I use the "dashboard" and check out the "Blogs of Note" .. and I have found some pretty good and funny ones. Some people have some darned funny stuff to say.

Have a peek at Erin O'Brien's blog.. while she is very funny, her followers post some of the funniest stuff around... ... go read... I had a major howl this morning.

Another very funny writer: That's all I will regale you with today.

I have had a lovely morning with Honey. We have been laughing a lot. I love days like that! So here we were moments ago, me downstairs blogging, he upstairs in his office... he was on Facebook - and here we were chatting! Too funny.

I see my daughter on line, I want to say Hola! Instead it comes out Hole! Hope she's not offended! :-)...

I am grateful for joyfulness, humour, a hearty laugh. If you have something funny to share - do so! You will feel better, and your gift will grow!

Happy day everyone!

Happy Birthday to my awesome niece Victoria!!!! xoxo

Friday, February 19, 2010

February 19 ... Shit Happens...

Hi. Are you pondering what there is to be grateful for? I like thinking about it... it makes the "bad" stuff not so bad.

So I wonder what I looked like yesterday, as I excitedly decided I had time to go for a swim, putting away the book I was reading, and on my way downstairs, slipping on the top stair, careening down, and landing on my duff at the bottom. Startled? Surprised? Angry? I don't know... I then crawled to the phone, called Honey, and bawled like a baby for about ten minutes. Some days are like that I guess.. you need to bawl after something happens. I am grateful I give myself the room to do that. I really am.

And today I am really, really very grateful that it's nothing more than a sore bum cheek. And a sore baby toe. Believe me, I know it could have been much, much worse, given the acrobatics I performed on my way down. So yes, gratitude.

I am also finding reason to be grateful that my work is waxing and waning... the profession that I am in has a tendency to work according to feast or famine principles, and since it is all about dealing with human beings and their emotional and psychological states, there can be absolutely nothing predictable in the managing of such a business. So some weeks you have them lining up at the door, and some weeks there is no one at the door! This is not a business for the faint of heart. And while I could (and used to!) spend my time bemoaning the temporary drop, or feeding into the negative thoughts that sometimes accompany the anxiety - those voices that say aha! see! you do NOT have a viable business - I say to those thoughts.. up yours, yes I do. And I am learning to take advantage of these periods of rest, to appreciate what the therapy Gods are sending my way. I am developing a discipline to use this time to build.. not to moan or worry or fret. And the building begets an inviting energy, begets a belief in myself and the work that I do, and the viability of my business.

I am really very full of gratitude today. How about you?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

February 18 ... power and naps...

So I got a new phone about a month ago. Got sucked into the BlackBerry vortex. Funny, I feel a a certain sense of shame sharing that. And all this after having gotten firmly and deeply sucked into the Facebook vortex. I am after all your average Joe-ess consumer, God help me.

So ya, this new phone. No one mentioned the fact that I was switching plans in mid-plan-billing-bullshit-cycle. And apparently Bell Canada - the nice folks sponsoring the Olympics (just so we're all sure who I am talking about) have a fantastic mathematical program/scheme/bullshit/formula .. ya ya formula, to figure out how to screw, oops sorry, charge you for whatever, when you do the mid-plan change thing. So I get a bill this month that is fully three times higher than any bill I ever got before. All of a sudden I spoke for three hundred and fifty minutes more than I ever have before. Am I speaking to someone do you think when I am playing Suduko on my phone? Or the brick breaker game? Cause that I would understand then.

Anyhow... so I went and battled with the giant. And while I didn't win all the trophies, I did win a sizable one! And while engaging with this idiotic company - from the two by four of a brain on the other end of the phone (twice!!), or their non-functioning website, or the other two by four of a brain manning the chat lines on their website, and after all that I popped a little gasket I think, I am happy to report ... I am very grateful that a young man named Kyle, who sold me the BB in the first place, took care of the problem and went to bat for me. And I am very grateful that I did indeed get a good enough portion of the charge reduced. So there... despite all that frustration, I am grateful.

On another note... I am really very grateful that my back has improved tremendously over the last 24 hours and see the possibility of going for a swim or some gym time tomorrow for sure. For now... I suppose its all the healing going on ... I find myself needing a nap before going to work. I am grateful that I have the time to do that. Grateful that I am feeling so much better.

What are you grateful for today?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

February 17 ... Random acts of gratitude...

Good morning. Today began with a perfect cup of coffee from the wonderful Mooka. May have sounded like a spaceship taking off (I have no idea why) but it produced the perfect foam and coffee! Yum! I love those days! And, as you well know by now, it being Wednesday it's Princess Day. So what's on the agenda? Clay! I'm leaving to the atelier after writing.

So just in that short introduction I find a wealth of gratitude. Princess Days being what they are ... make me very happy, and I am eternally grateful that my life/work balance allows for them. Can you say "necessity"? Also, in my great wisdom, I haven't booked this day - or most Wednesdays - full of other things to do. I am grateful for that too. Finally, that I actually have the atelier to go to, to work on my "lampions", thrills me to no end. And when I go, I know I will be warmly embraced and welcomed by my dear friend Christiane, I know we will chat and laugh. I know we will probably go have a nice little lunch together. And if we go where I hope we do .. I know I will buy one of those newborn baby outfits to send to young pregnant daughter... And then, and then later this afternoon, if my hip permits, I am going for a swim.

Now I ask you... how on earth could I not be grateful???

Today was easy :-). How many random acts of gratitude can you count today?

Warm heart to you all.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

February 16 ... I'm late!

Hi everyone! Have you had a chance to ponder what you are grateful for? I am doing so now ... day kind of snuck away on me!

So.. had a visit with my son and his lovely girlfriend. Oh my, they are talking marriage and babies... not planning or anything but talking! Imagine, family expanding again! That's lovely to see and hear.

On the phone with young pregnant daughter. She is feeling good, sounds happy .. that's nice given her difficult journey. We're having "shopping for baby" talks - yummy!

Middle daughter called, she is doing well, standing tall and strong, happy.

I'm really grateful for all that.

My back is not great, but the massage I had helped immensely. Should be even better tomorrow. Oh and by the way, the muscle relaxants are not too bad either. :)

I am very grateful.

Be well and peace to you.

Monday, February 15, 2010

February 15 .. Pain Day...

Well today is going to be challenging. For whatever reason, all the physio and all the exercise, and all the toning and all that crap... is doing nothing for my back/hip malaise. I am not happy. I have not had a good day of it physically, nor a good night. I had plans to workout and couldn't. I had a lot of trouble driving (because walking to the office was out of the question). When will this ever end? Gratitude... I'm working on it.

I'm grateful it's not worse? I am. Really I am.

I know, the inability to walk or move, has had me quiet down. I have worked on my website - I'm really proud of my programming skills, geez who knew I could do that!

I worked on the mailing list for the new cards I designed - today. You get lots done when you can't move around. I guess I could be grateful about that.

I'm grateful there are leftovers in the fridge and I don't have to get up and cook.

I'm grateful I could be there for my friend today. That's always good. And in turn, she was there for me.

And just now as I began to write, lovely pregnant daughter came on line, she is consoling me, listening to me, reaching out. I'm grateful. It's nice.

In the end, the gratitude is never about stuff, or events is it... its about our relationships. Hmmm... I'm grateful.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

February 14 .... Motherhood...

Motherhood... my day today has revolved around motherhood. My dearest friend, a mother, is suffering. She is worried sick, scared, sad ... she feels that no one is listening. Another young woman I know, soon to be a mother, is not feeling very good. She is worried sick, scared, sad ... she feels no one is listening. While the two are a generation apart .. neither know what lies down the road. Neither feel secure. Neither are finding any gratitude in their circumstance .. today.

I have had my turn with that. At the moment, I worry about my youngest, pregnant daughter, and really, just because that's what mothers do right?, worry about their young, pregnant daughters.

I know of another mother, her son has moved away, far away, I think in a bid to establish his autonomy and independence. It certainly is time for him to do that - anyone outside the drama would say so. Yet mother is sad, clinging, trying to induce feelings of guilt in her son whether she knows it or not, because the pain of separation for her is so great. And sadly, if she actually knew what she was inflicting on her son, she would feel horrible. But that's part of the drama isn't it? Some mothers want their kids to stay around. For some of us, the relationships with our children are front and centre, and we somehow, sometimes, expect it to be the same for them - that their relationship with us is front and centre. But it can't be. Right? It just can't be that way. And that, for many a mother, is a terribly bitter pill to swallow. For some of us, separation seems impossible. If only we understood how necessary it was.

But motherhood is not only about worry and separation. I am glad to report my kids for the most part are thriving. While they have taken up their share of the worry pie, I get to relax, not have a nagging worry about them, not lose sleep, know that they are strong individuals now, capable of making choices they can benefit from. I am actually quite grateful for that.

I am grateful that my youngest avails herself of her mother's ability to listen. I am grateful my middle girl is writing our history - my memory needs the help! I am grateful that my son believes our relationship important and cherishes it.

My mother-in-law today, brought us (the kids :-)) soup and lasagna. What a treat!

Much gratitude can be found in motherhood... I am grateful.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

February 13 ... life lessons...

Good day to you. Are you feeling grateful? What about? Do you think it's possible to just be grateful period? I do.. but I like the act of paying attention to stuff and considering my gratitude for it anyway... it's becoming a kind of meditation I think.

Last night was lovely. Sort of... seems having a Bloody Caesar and then a pint of beer on an empty stomach might not be the best thing in the world for staying sane. It got worse. I think. So I'm told. Sigh.... sorry Honey. So on that note, I'm grateful as can be that I didn't have too much to do today! I went to clay, am building the "feet" to my "lampions". Nice, easy, relaxing, with my dearest of friends. Ahhh... gratitude.

I then got a call from my best buddy. She is going through hard, hard times with one of her boys. Heartbreaking, gut wrenching, watching your children stumble and fall, make choices with dire consequences. It sucks the life out of you. I know, I've been there. Oh my am I grateful for how my story turned out. I can only pray she is as lucky as me and her son as lucky and strong and determined as my daughter. I am grateful my friend is waking up to her role as enabler. Grateful she is taking responsibility for it. It's the only way things will change. I am grateful for her friendship. I am grateful I can be there for her.

Life sure teaches us some big ass lessons sometimes doesn't it? And to persevere, grow and find your gratitude I think my friends, is what it's all about.

Peace to you.

Friday, February 12, 2010

February 12 ... plans

Hi there. I am very excited. Honey's birthday trip to Ireland this summer is booked!!! Talk about being grateful! We will be cycling the west coast of Ireland... I have to tell you, I can hardly believe it! Much to be grateful for.

I was also chatting with my lovely youngest daughter. She is six months pregnant with her first baby - it will be a boy. She is happy and healthy, and finally, after a rough start feeling good. We were talking about plans for a visit, mine there, hers here. I can't wait. Much to be grateful for there.

Spoke to her sister. She is doing awesome, as is her son... I will shortly have two grandsons! Holy cow... when did all that happen?? Ya, Ya... Im grateful, getting old but grateful all the same! :-)

Spoke to my son, he is coming for a visit soon, we are looking forward to sharing a meal together ... I love it when the stars align for the mother in me. It's been tough - and when these moments happen when there is love and understanding going around, I truly feel blessed, and grateful.

Life is good don't ya think?

Oh and, as if all that wasn't enough, I am being courted this evening. Honey is taking me to a new, interesting restaurant. What do you call that - a Raw Bar? Oysters, crabs, and fully loaded Ceasars :-) woo hoo! I feel like a princess!!

Big, deep breath.... ahhhh... I feel very grateful. See you tomorrow!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

February 11.... Lunch and stuff

Hi there. Today will be short and sweet.

It was a glorious day. I'm grateful! My work schedule today permitted me to come home for a two hour lunch break. I made a great, really great, salad - chick peas, lettuce, pear, yellow tomatoes, red peppers.. sounds awesome doesn't it? - and had a totally lovely lunch with Honey, who worked from home today.

Even better was that I walked to and from the office today - it's February 11 and Mother Nature is teasing us big time with this Spring-like seduction of hers! I've been wearing shoes!!! For days!!! Yes Ma'am I am grateful!

I am also grateful that while I trained really hard yesterday, today wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be! Which is very motivating. And .. I slept like a baby!

I am grateful and happy... how about you? What are you grateful for today?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

February 10 - Spa Wednesday and then some...

Hey everyone... are you pondering what you're grateful for? I am.. it's a nice feeling. Today is Wednesday, my usual Spa or Princess Day as I like to call them. So what did I do for myself today? Well I had a huge workout at the Y with my trainer. I can barely move, and I'm grateful! I am pleased and proud to be taking care of myself. I know it's hard to take time for myself, Honey are you listening. We have to though, don't we? We have to extend ourselves, we have to engage with the world, I am grateful that I can and do.

I am also grateful to be reconnecting with my son. We have been through a dark passage together and are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm grateful that he is back in my life, back in my thoughts and daily experience of things. I still believe he will do good things, big things, make a good life for himself. He has shown a lot of courage taking the risks he has, persevering as he has. Might be something for others to learn from. I'm not sure.

I am feeling very grateful.

I am also grateful for my friendship with dear Andrea. It's her birthday today, she is getting stronger and more beautiful every year. Andrea and I have known each other since we have been four I think - something like that, giving her the title of my oldest, longest friend. I love Andrea. I will always love Andrea. We have a shared history, a shared story, shared motherhood, shared divorce, shared great second relationships.. sometimes it's strange how much our lives have paralleled each other. And there are these wonderful moments where we reconnect, talk on the phone, even better when she comes out East and we spend time together - it's easy, it's comfortable, it's right. I am grateful.

So, friendship, family, self-care.... good day. I'm grateful .. how about you?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

February 9 ... the Process...

So I had a big enough day, how about you? Are you reflecting on what to be grateful for? I know I am.

Sometimes, as I think we have already discovered together, we grow through adversity. We grow when we understand our pain, and empathize with the pain of others. We grow when we are challenged and rise to meet that challenge. And we rise to meet that challenge, sometimes shaking in our boots, thinking, knowing in fact, that this is going to hurt. But we do it because we have to .. I do it because I have to, I have to push myself, grow, learn, be... I just have to.

So today my wise woman teacher did just that, she challenged me, she "pushed" me. I don't do well with being "pushed". It scares me, it scares the shit out of me, makes me feel white hot, makes me feel small, unheard, unprotected, helpless, I hate it. And because "pushing" me has that kind of power, it's important I learn, important I understand, important I keep myself from drowning in all that when I'm confronted.

"You got legs" I was told. I almost wish she would read this. You got legs, so use them. Ok.... so I get up in my blind fear, protecting myself all along, but I get up! I move out of the way of what's trying to push at me. I got up and out of the way. I can do this.

She goes and gets a notepad, because she wants to reinforce the lesson by drawing a map, I don't know, and then she comes and sits beside me. I find my head on her shoulder, I find myself crying. I find myself being taken care of. That's the process. I am grateful. I have learned two things today: I've got legs and I can use them, and I can be taken care of.

I really am very grateful.

Monday, February 8, 2010

February 8 ... There were no disasters...

Hi. How was your day? Did you take a moment to ponder what there is to be grateful for? I'm glad.

I had a good day, if for no other reason than it wasn't a bad one. When Honey came home this evening, and I asked him how his day went, he reported "It was uneventful, there were no disasters." Imagine your day being measured according to disasters. I guess not having one is something to be grateful for! Disaster - big word - all relative right? I'm grateful - I can tolerate the kinds of disasters we're subjected to. I feel ashamed even calling them that.

I was planning our Ireland trip this morning. Goodness that country looks beautiful. I am very excited about our upcoming adventure. I am grateful that I have the means, the desire, and yes, the leg power (cause we're cycling!!) to do this! See how grateful I am climbing the hills and mountains of Connemara and Galway - yikes! Thankfully we have lots of time to prepare.

Well that's it for today my dear people. I'm grateful that calm waters prevail, there is no drama today, nor was there any yesterday and I don't foresee any tomorrow. I am grateful.

Be well.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

February 7 ... Dialogues between daughters and mothers.....

Before I begin... what a great day! Beautiful blue skies, wonderful walk on the mountain again! An intense swim at the gym, a delicious soak in the tub... and soon a lovely pasta dinner. As if that wasn't enough to be grateful for ....

I know I have already mentioned the fact that my middle child wants to write a book with me. At the moment the working title is: How we got here: Dialogues between a mother and daughter. As part of this project we are mailing "letters" to each other, letters from our perspectives "then" and "now". My daughter worries she will offend me, hurt me .. when I want her to know .. nothing could be more freeing, more inspiring, than how we are sharing our real stories. If this idea ends up only flowering between her and I, it will be a gift beyond all gifts.

My daughter, determined to follow in my foot steps, has travelled a hard road. I have prayed and hoped and waited .. and voila, here she is. And voila, here I am ready to be with her. What a joy. What a wonderful gift. What gratitude!

Going forward, we will probably be sharing some of this writing so stay tuned.

I'm grateful for the journey we have had. We are both strong women now. We understand each other. We can openly love each other, disagree, agree, play, question, revisit our past to help each other heal! Much to be grateful for.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

February 6 ... good Saturdays...

Yum, yum, yum. I love these kinds of Saturdays.... got up at nine!!! Can you imagine, not only do I not suffer from insomnia, but I am getting up at nine, delish! Had a perfect Mooka coffee, two of them actually. Honey and I went for a great walk on the mountain. It's brilliantly beautiful today, blue skies, not too terribly frigid, and just lovely. We came home and had a nice lunch. Then we went shopping at HMV. Honey got a number of gift cards for his birthday (big Thank you shout out!!) and we went and cashed in. What a treat!

Week-ends are nice for what you don't have to think about - don't you think? You can let go of work worries, bill worries, even couple worries. You can chill, relax, make like those things are not there. And now we'll indulge in some music and nice times, gentleness... are we getting old? Geez, are we? I don't think so... ah, who cares.. with the week we had, we can be gentle and relaxed! I say so!

I'm watching Honey unwrap the CD's :-) .. he looks like he's having fun. Kid in a candy store...

I'm grateful. Are you?

Friday, February 5, 2010

February 5 ... Simple Pleasures..

Hi everyone. Happy Day to you all.

I am feeling happy, free of pain, relaxed, anticipating Honey getting home and sharing a nice glass of wine together. We will then cook our dinner together, and relax. I know he needs this. It's been a rather heavy week for him, for both of us I guess, but more so for him. He sent me a gratitude text this morning. He wrote he was grateful that I was there for him, that I encouraged him to come to the Garrison Keillor show last night (excellent by the way!), that we took the time out to do something besides work and worry. Maybe we should do that more often?!

I'm grateful for the wonderful comfort of my home, I sometimes feel embraced by it. I'm grateful for my Honey, our life together. I'm grateful for this most lovely little bag of fat-reduced chips (ya ya) I'm munching on! :-)

Simple things. Much gratitude...

Thursday, February 4, 2010

February 4 of Daughters and Mothers...

Hello to you. Have you stopped to ponder what has been good in your day today? Is the habit contageous? I hope so!

I chat with my lovely daughter almost daily now. What a gift! And today, she proposed the idea that we, her and I, should write a book together. Can you imagine!? She wants us to write a book about our journey as mother and daughter. She wants it to be real. We begin at the beginning and end with looking forward. My kid. My kid suggested this. My kid with whom I have journeyed a rough and tumble road. My kid, who allows me to be my fully authentic self with no reproach. My kid, who accepts me as I am. I imagine her writing the same about me. Holy cow people, have we come a long way or what!?

So I shared with her a story I wrote sometime ago. You can read it here - it's entitled Just Maybe, This Time. I am amazed that I was able to share it with her. I am amazed that we can now talk about those days, understand them in their context, forgive ourselves and each other, and love each other fiercely all the more.

Oh my am I grateful. I love you Holly. I love the strong, independent, wise woman you are becoming, the fierce mother you are, the most wonderful daughter you are. Thank you. With much gratitude and a full heart.


Wednesday, February 3, 2010

February 3 .... I dreamed a dream

Man... what a brutal week it's been so far. Things are not turning out as planned. This is creating a huge amount of anxiety. When that happens, no one talks, no one listens, no one understands. You really see the human being at their most basic, animal instinct - vicious, mean, hurting, self-protective, bloody awful. And what about those other feelings: disappointment, shame, guilt, sadness, self-reproach, as though the hammering one gives one's self isn't enough, your own psyche pummeling you - you add your voice to your loved one's melee of recrimination, even though you know how utterly unnecessary it is.

What do you do when you have a dream, an idea you believe in so strongly you believe it to be more or less infallible, a passion to create something? What do you do with that? Do you pursue it regardless of cost? How do you know when to stop pursuing? How do you figure that kind of stuff out? How much of a try is enough? What do you do with that dream once you come to the realization that things might not work? Do you stop? Is that when you push through the "tough times"? Do you put it on hold? How do you know?

And how do you share the pain of this process? How do you cheer your partner on? Yourself? How do you stay supportive when things no longer seem logical to you? How do you not slip to that animal place, where fear and insecurity live, and lash out?

There are no easy answers. You know what, there are no answers, period. Some one forgot to write the users manual on this on.

And how do you remain grateful? Well... I reached across a space today - put my hand out and said hey, I'm scared. And the call came back, I'm scared too. And in that reply I heard my love say we're in this together, let's hang on, I hear you, I love you. And this tiny little clearing appeared, swelled in my heart, hallelujah, and I felt a deep gratitude for our ability and desire to weather this storm. This deep knowing that we will overcome this together, that our friendship most of all, will carry us through. And there it is, I'm grateful.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

February 2 ... Like a Fish

Good day to all. It's a gorgeous day here in sunny Montreal. My work load was very light today. I love getting gifts like that from the therapy Gods. Almost like a Princess Day.

So I joined the gym and the first thing I did was swim for a half hour! Yay!! Having been raised on the waters of lovely lake Winnetou, and early on being dubbed a water-baby - oh my, it sure did the heart good to swim! I miss that.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the trainer who will show me the ropes at the gym, and the weights, and the machines... yikes! I'm sure I'll be fine, not anything new.

I'm grateful that I can do this. I am grateful I have the means to do this. I am grateful my body is cooperating, flexible, limber, and feeling good.

Time for a nap :-)..

Happy Day everyone.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Holy Cow it's February!!!

Well look at that.. a new month! And here I am, still grateful, still writing. Let's see, what a month January was eh!? Honey's big 50, perfect coffee, beautiful weather, meaningful family exchanges, exercise (although surely never enough of that!), and an awesome niece. Not bad, not bad.

What do we look forward to in February? Days getting longer, Valentine's Day (we're going to go to a B & B, little does Honey know :)), more exercise for sure, good work, youngest daughter's pregnancy moving along, older daughter's quitting smoking continuing, golf practice with my long, lost son. Doesn't sound to shabby either.

I really like being grateful. I really like what this has brought to my life, this daily reflection. I feel stronger, happier, far more aware and conscious of my days, my self.

Nice and simple - I'm grateful.

Have a lovely day.