Wednesday, September 1, 2010

September 1... the things you learn...

Well a week has come and gone, and so has the family. Young daughter and precious, precious Levi left today. Huge pile of tears. Middle daughter and beautiful Jakob left on Sunday, huge tears there too. My son and soon to be daughter in law! joined us for Brunch on Sunday. First time we were all together like that in a long, long time.

Through out their respective stays, Honey and I received feedback about our "unbendableness", that we appear to have trouble tolerating change in our environment, that it shows on our face too much that we are uncomfortable. I blame Honey more than myself. Except that I wore my unhappiness about other things more openly that I should have.

This visit was all about bad timing. I'm not too shy to share that Honey and I had our first Couple session, only it was four hours after young daughter and Levi arrived. The repercussions of that session lasted a few days, they weren't good. I have come to wonder how my daughter must see me as the last few times we have been together have been tough times in my life. It appears I can't live in the moment all that well.... I need to work on that.

Another mistake of mine on this visit .. I had the puppy arrive with middle daughter and Jakob. So not only did I have my kids and their kids, but a puppy - that we have now discovered Honey and I are ill-equipped to deal with. You have no idea how sad I am at that horrible realization. We can not "tolerate" the growing pains of a puppy, we don't want our "stuff" damaged, don't want to "invest" the energy and time, there is a deficit in ability to discipline, we don't know how to "play", ... it doesn't make me feel good about myself to say any of this. On the other hand - we are among the best adult dog owners I know. All that to tell you, Archie is leaving us too. Kathy from Rosie Adoption is picking him up (Please support Rosie Adoption - they do such important work). I can't tell you how supportive she has been. Telling me there is no place for shame in all this, that she can see I am in fact thinking of Archie when I say - we would make terrible puppy parents. My daughter chastised me, told me Honey and I are so set in our ways we can't even get off our duffs more or less, to raise a puppy. I maintain that Archie deserves an awful lot better than the lonely life Honey and I might provide him. Lesson learned people: never get a puppy to save your marriage.

On the way to the train station I had my last lovely moments with young daughter. She reported on how she had a great week, was very pleased with how she had split her time up between me and other family members, was glad about how smooth everything went. I felt really grateful about that. After dropping them off I came home and cried my heart out. I stumble along, trying to do my best, to bring joy, to experience joy, to bring the best of myself to what ever I do and whom ever I do it with... and somehow, a lot of the time, I feel like I missed the boat.

But this blog is about gratitude. I would like to share that there is nothing quite like the overwhelming love you feel when you are with your grandkids. They are beautiful little people and they look at you in a way that inspires confidence, you see how safe they feel with you, they see clearly the love you have for them. That, in spite of the crazy bad decisions I made, made it a blessed and wonderful visit.

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