Grateful for Gratitude...

I realized over the last few days that I hadn't written - here on the Gratitude Blog, At The Connected Psy blog, haven't added to the Good Things Jar really....  and I thought this is not ok. It's important to stop and recognize whats good, what works, what you might be grateful for .. even when it's work. Know what I mean?

I know I am among a large group when I tell you - I have had enough of winter. I dont recall having felt the winter "blahs" this badly - like ever. But I'm done. And it would be really easy to slip in to a hibernating kind of depressed place and just grin and bear it out. But I can do better than that. I really can. I can look around and be grateful for my work. I love my clients, love the privilege they afford me by sharing their stories, how much I learn about myself every hour I work. Thank you.

I can step back and say wow - things are going really well with my family. That doesn't happen every day, so it's important to recognize it when it does.

I can step out and run or walk, appreciate that while yes, dammit, its snowing again, its also only -1 not -25... I'm plenty grateful for that! It also means I will probably go snow shoeing this weekend where I will get some physical activity as well as be surrounded by nature. I'm feeling better already.

Partaking in the practice of being conscious of gratitude might sometimes feel like work however, I never come away from contemplating gratitude or recognizing the good things, feeling bad. I just never do.  So I'm grateful for my practice, grateful that I choose to hold myself accountable, grateful for gratitude.

Walking the Talk...

I have been assigning as homework, to a number of my clients, the task of writing a Gratitude journal.

Here's why:

A little over a week ago I found another blog that said reflecting on gratitude daily alleviated depression. Well what are we all waiting for?  Read it here:  Gratitude

I can honestly say that having written for most of a year changed how I see the world, how I see my life, how I see my options. The art of feeling grateful has remained with me. I notice the colour of the sky and appreciate that, I notice flowers, I notice kindness and joy when it spills out in front of me. I LIKE that... I love it as a matter of fact. I believe writing the blog in 2010 did a lot to help me not spiral into a depression. As a matter of fact, I miss writing a gratitude blog.

I have decided to get back on board, to write again. So hang on... here we go.

And to keep it very simple, I am really grateful that I am over my three week cold. It kept me from walking and/or running and that was tough. Exercise is such a salve. I am really proud that I have managed to make it such an integral part of my most every day. I have learned to invest in myself, to believe that the time I put towards my well being is important and well spent. Yay me.

December 22.... Lot's of stuff... catching up...

Here I am finally on Blogger. While I accept and own my laziness about not keeping up with the Blog.. I have to tell you, and ask anyone reading, what is up with getting on Blogger and it bringing my router down? I heard from one person who said she has tried quite a number of times to get on - it always shuts her computer down - so she gave up. If anyone understands this please leave a note to explain. I consider my being able to be on here at the moment a total fluke.

So gratitude. Well.. I want to say first off I am so glad and grateful for having started this process. Truth be told you don't need to write to be grateful. I have had the opportunity to experience much gratitude in the realm of friendship. My women friends are coming through for me loud and clear. The depth and breadth of the relationships continues to grow and that gives me such pleasure. I hosted a 50th birthday party at the beginning of December for Y. I love her. She accepts me totally for who I am. You know those emails that go around saying a best friend is someone who loves you when you cry, scream, smile, fart - whatever... well that's Y. She turned 50 first. Phew for me. She seems ok. She is beautiful.

I had dinner with I & J last week. Our annual trek out - although we missed last year. We pick up where we left off. It's that easy. J and I catch up about our kids, grandkids and respective husbands. I regales us with her travelling adventures. The three of us compare aches and pains - that was really funny this time. Thankfully, despite a crappy menopause on my part, J's frightful dance with arthritis, and I's stomach issues, we're all reasonably healthy and happy. That's a lot to be grateful for.

Another thing that has kept showing up for me... is the change in colour as the season changes. I am assuming that the practice of keeping an eye open for things to be grateful for has made the world appear to me in a different way. This practice has kept me noticing. The blue of the late afternoon sky I tell you is different in the winter. The morning pink too. It makes me want to paint.

I can't write about gratitude without mentioning the hard work Honey and I have done in the realm of the couple. We have undertaken a painful process to heal what was amiss in our relationship - and you know what? It works. We are connected, loving, talking, invested, and continue to grow. Yay us.

Gratitude has also sweetened my relationships with my kids, my family. We are having Christmas together for the first time in - well I don't know when the last time was that I celebrated Christmas on the 24th with middle daughter. This year, she will be here with grandson number one, Jakob, my dad will be here, and Honey and myself. On the 25th my son and his girlfriend will be joining us. On the 26th Honey and I are leaving to Canmore to spend 5 days with young daughter and grandson number 2, Levi. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude to tell you the truth. Three days ago I was totally floating away on a cloud of Christmas bliss. I spent too much I'm sure - but I felt it fine because I can do this. I wanted to do this. There are gifts, a bird, a tree... Middle daughter called two days ago, having a pre-Christmas melt down. Then her brother called and said he was having difficulties. Not to be left out, young daughter called and said Boo.. things suck here too. Well... I think there was a time I would have reacted to all this by flipping out myself and then shutting down and letting go and giving up ... but that didn't happen this time. I decided Christmas would be what it would be. My family is not perfect but I can accept it with its quirks and all .. and a peace came to me. I found myself grateful despite the drama. And you know what... it all abated. Today, everyone called again, is reasonably ok, excited about the holiday. Everyone is being real.. including me. Everyone is still talking and ok. Call me crazy.... but I'm extremely grateful. I'm full of emotion and joy and peace even though I know things aren't perfect nor will they ever be. They are as they are and that's ok.

Honey and I are cultivating a new friendship with a colleague of mine and her husband. I find myself skittish from time to time, afraid to commit, still feeling a bit raw from the last "failed" friendship which I still don't understand and I guess still haven't got closure on. Regardless, I press on. I insist on taking risks and trying to make contact with new people and creating meaningful relationships. I feel blessed that this new couple is in our lives. It takes a lot of courage to keep marching, keep reaching out, keep connecting. I'm proud of myself and grateful at my capacity to be this way.

I spent a chunk of time with my dad today. I am as always thankful and grateful to the folks who take care of him. Bless you Ginette, Maria, and all the rest of you wonderful people who make sure he is safe and sound. I don't know where he, or I, would be without you.

That's it for now peeps. If anyone ever asks... cultivating gratitude is a good and wonderful thing. Even if you don't happen to write about it every day.

November 24 .... Princess Day....

Princess day began with a new Pilates class. Please note, this will either cure me or kill me... at the moment not sure which. I thought Pilates was all about working your core muscles and at some point I guess it will be - for now it's about becoming conscious of your muscles, any muscles! Or becoming aware of bones and how they move and operate - like your shoulder blades, that are analogous to wings, who knew? Do you feel them rotating .. uh no actually. All right let's try this... can you feel your first and second vertebrae... uh no actually. Hmm.. This muscle? That muscle? Uh ... no actually... ok this is going to take some time. Who knew....

Off to clay to spend time with lovely Christiane and continue my work there. I will be building a full-fledged lamp shade. We are brain storming on the how of it... what fun.

Then I got to see my wise-woman. She is helping me carry work stories that are sometimes to big for me to carry by myself. While I was afraid of being judged she quickly disproved that and instead held me up, made me feel strong, taught ... thank you.

Later I'm going to pick up organic vegetables. We bought half a share in winter baskets. I need to find some potato recipes! It makes me feel happy to this though.

So that's me today - taking care of business...taking care of me ... not letting the pain stop me... grateful that it's not there all the time and the times when it is, I can nap, slow down, take care... and it's bearable. This is a good thing.

November 21.... of flowers..

I guess it's harder to hold yourself to the task of writing about your gratitude 365 days a year than I thought. But .. let it be known that I ponder on things that I am grateful for daily. Truly. Here are a few examples....

I was raised by a woman who was raised on a farm. Whether her gardening acumen came from there or not I am not sure. Suffice it to say I see a great similarity in how my mother gardened, ergo how I garden, and how many Europeans garden - especially my Italian neighbours. I was always taught to yank out every living thing from the garden before the frost hits. Your plot should be pristine, no leaves or weeds, or left over blossoms. It should be ready come the Spring to receive new plantlings. Well I gotta tell you... these past few weeks have been absolutely lovely (minus yesterday I guess) and walking to and from work has been a total pleasure. And there have been sightings... a rose bush, long neglected, not "pruned" or cared for in the manner befitting a rose to be sure, but its there, in the middle of November, with flowers - roses - on it. Deep red ones. They perhaps have become petrified I'm not sure, but they are beautiful. And I doubt the plant any worse for wear for its lack of attention really.

Not long past the apartment building that shows off this rose bush, I came upon a home down the road... happy pansies still growing, still upright - and we have had a frost!!! and they are there - bobbing in the breeze ... and its' the middle of November! Geraniums, purple flowers, Chrysanthemums ... I noticed tons of flowers - in all the gardens that weren't "prepared" for the Spring.

I think I need to try a new approach. I love the sightings of these flowers. They are happy-making. I'm grateful for the smiles they brought to my face.

November 10... changing light...

So I have been hearing a lot of people complaining. Mostly about the coming of winter, the chill in the air, the fact that it now gets dark at 4:00 p.m. I have to confess - I love it. There are no leaves to block the light so that during the day there is a very different light in my house. It's wonderful. At about 4:00 the sky becomes a very different blue than in the summer. And it's not even so much about the hour - there are no leaves for the sun light to reflect off of, the black branches reach up and stand in sharp contrast to the Chagall blue of the sky. It's fantastic. It's inspiring and paint-able, makes me want to be creative. And because it's 4:00 or 5:00 pm - I'm not inside cooking or eating.. I'm available to catch the view, to admire the trees standing tall, the sky deepening. It takes my breath away. The bite in the wind let's me know I'm alive. The beauty of it all fills me.

November 2.... Gratitude

Happy Birthday Dad. I just called my dad to say Happy Birthday. For the first ten minutes he thought he was talking to my sister, which has more to do with his dementia than it does with my voice, or my sister. However.. all that to say, my dad was extra chatty this evening, regaling me with his philosophy of life, laughing like a hyena ( I wondered was he on something?? Birthday cheer??). In the end, it's nice that he could laugh like that. We had him here for a family dinner on Saturday to celebrate his birthday. We put on German beer drinking songs, and he sang his heart out. I invited him to dance and he happily obliged. That was funny. He can't move his legs around too much, bad knee, too much weight, so instead of twirling me around as he would have in days gone by, he threw his shoulders into it... was quite the sight. He lasted about 10 minutes which was great. It's always amazing to me to reflect on my relationship with my dad - he was a brute, brutal, really sucked as a father - until now. I'm grateful for what we have. I really am.

There are new pics of my grandson Levi on Facebook. I am so happy to see how well he is doing, how happy he is, how happy his mother is. However... there are moments like tonight where I viscerally ache for my daughter, and my grandson - and I should say daughters and grandsons. I don't know if it's because of the extremely difficult day I had at work - but I ache to hold Levi. I ache to hug Jakob. I wish my girls were here having tea with me.

In the end, reflecting on that ache let's me know how precious and beautiful these relationships are. I cherish them. I'm teary now as I write - who would have thunk I would arrive at a place where I am grateful for the family I have. Here I am.

October 31.... ahhhhh .. a perfect day...

That my dear peeps, is the sound and sigh of one contented Princess. Today my friend and I went to Rawdon to the Bain des Sources Spa. Embedded inside Laurentian mountains - this spa has hot and cold pools/tubs, a eucalyptus steam room, the cold pools are actual mountain streams, a dry sauna, an awesome place to eat with a big fireplace, a fireplace outside, and the whole in the most beautiful country side setting possible. They have added a new building  - which is massage central.. and this has been my third massage there and they have some of the best masseuses ever.

And to have this day with my dear friend Christiane.. made it a double, nay, triple pleasure. Sometimes... you just gotta take some care of yourself. And like I tweeted today - when you take care of yourself you are not being selfish.. what you are doing is helping the universe provide. I stand by that :).

And then... to come home and hear Honey had a great time playing! Music! And he'll be doing it again! Oh Joy!

Some days.. are perfect.

October 27... Relating....

I was just going to write about the women in my life, and how we relate as opposed to what it seems that men tend to do, and I realized it's my mother's birthday. Oddly enough my mother was not one for relating. She chose instead to remain isolated - and whether she did that by numbing herself with alcohol, or deciding she couldn't allow herself to need anyone, she never developed the capacity to relate. I'm grateful not everything is inherited.

I spent most of my day with my friend Christiane at her atelier. I'm trying those lampions again - remember them?! She remarked on our friendship while we had lunch together, said she so appreciated how her and I could pick up from where we left off regardless of the time between contact. We relate to each other, and we relate at a deep and meaningful level. And it doesn't matter what we talk about - whether it's about our kids, or the state of my couple, or the state of hers... we relate, we support, we love, and we laugh.

Isn't that just awesome?

October 26 .... Work

I have had a big work day. So today's gratitude is a shout out to those brave and wonderful people who privilege me with their stories, their trust, their self. What they come and do with me is hard, hard work. Not for the faint of heart to be sure. I cherish the trust people give me. I respect the awesome journey I get to witness. 

Thank you for letting me do what I do. For doing it with me. 

My heart is full.

October 22 .. Finally....

Hi there. So while I have indeed been neglectful - I would also like to say that I have had a dickens of a time getting on to Blogger. What's up with that? For three nights in a row now I have not been able to access the blog. Those are my excuses for now.

Alrighty - gratitude - it's there. There is lots good happening. Since I last wrote....  Honey and I are doing wonderful (even if the last two days has found me crabby). Even better, our weekly torture session this week, as we euphemistically call it, got cancelled! Now there's two happy people. Again, I have to say, couple therapy works when you do the work, it works when you let it work, and it works when you suffer yourself through the process. As a professional in the business, I have a whole new respect for my clients. Man is it hard work - to allow yourself to be that vulnerable, to trust that much, to share that openly. It is hard. But it is soooooo worth it.

One of the highlights in the past week has been the reintroduction of music into the home, into the soul of a man. And while I am suffering somewhat from the exclusion - I'll deal with it. I'm a big girl. I'll niggle my way back in... in the mean time, you play, piano man. You allow yourself whatever room you need. Grow. It's good for what ails you.

There's nothing quite like getting lost in our art is there. I remember those days - the smell of clay, I even like the smell of oil paints, toxic as they can be. Time I dug all that stuff out.... me too I need some fun.

October 13... Princess Day

It's October 13.. and, while I have taken a few days off here and there... here I am still blogging about gratitude! I'm proud of myself :).

Today was a Princess Day. So what did I do....  I skyped with my grandson! He is actually responding to me through the computer! Obviously it's not the same as holding him, being with him, or young daughter for that matter - but I can engage him. I find that very exciting. It's not long before Grandma Heidi is reading stories to him!!! I also received a beautiful thank you card from young daughter and her man. It was beautiful - and touching, because really, it's me who thanks her!

Honey and I did our work today too. What a difference that has made in our lives. For example, here we are, toying with the idea of getting a rescue dog, considering inviting a dog in where Doogie once was. We are both hesitating, both of us are, because all of a sudden we so appreciate this space and energy between us we don't want a diversion. Can you imagine, after 21 years we are excited at the prospect of each other! And I have to say .. it's humbling to hear it from him, to have it expressed by him, not just a ditto of what I'm saying, not just echoing me .. but something that came of it's own volition, to me, about me, for me maybe, even. A girl could get used to this you know. A girl could start to feel a bit like a Princess. And when you hear that, you open your heart more, and when you open your heart more, you grow, together. There's gratitude for you.

October 12 ... Happy Birthday...

Today is the birthday of a young man I know in Mexico. I met him in 2002 (I'm pretty sure that was the year). I haven't seen him since 2003. We had a student/helper relationship for an academic year. This wonderful guy, who came to me confused and homesick, used to tell me how helpful what we did together was for him, how grateful he was to have met me, how much he had learned about himself.

Well .. I want to pay that back. He needs to know that at a time in my "career" when I was in fact being bullied at work, he was a voice that kept coming back to me, kept reminding me why I do what I do, kept cheering me on. Years later we connect on Facebook, I see he is flourishing, I can't tell how happy that makes me. And still he feels free to talk and connect with me, still says how lovely of an experience it was ... and again, I feel strengthened, supported, vindicated which I figure is not a good word to use - but bullying does things to a person - makes them doubt themselves, makes them not believe what they are doing is any good, leads them to give up on themselves.

I remember - that this relationship, my belief and ability to connect authentically, be supportive, and so much more - allowed me to realize that I was in fact in the wrong place, that I did in fact need to go back to school to formalize what I was doing, put myself on the path I am on now. I didn't need to be bullied for that to happen, what I needed was to believe in myself ... and this young Mexican man really helped me do that.

Gratitude is a funny thing. I can't with all good conscience say that I am glad I was bullied - because that was one of the worst experiences of my life - but the work I did as an International Student Advisor certainly woke up the "therapy" bug in me, made me hungry for more, set me on my way. What I am grateful for was to have the hand of my friend to right the ship a wee bit in those dreadfully stormy days. I am not so sure I would be "here" without that hand....

I am eternally grateful for having known you.

October 11.... giving thanks....

Honey and I were away for the weekend. What a fantastic weekend it was. Memorable moments included soaking in the hot tub - two days in a row! Having picnics despite the autumn chill in the air - after having cycled the first 30 km of our 70 km day. Having found my glasses after they fell out of my pocket on kilometer number I don't know 50 or so, and only realizing I had lost them at kilometer 57 or so? That's a lot to be grateful for right there. But there's more.

Autumn in the Laurentians, cycling through Arundel farm country - oh my God is it beautiful there. A lovely room and a lovely B & B, some nice talking and loving with Honey, discovering new places together, feeling happy with each other's company, two great dinners together, laughing, loving, taking awfully good care of each other.

I'm giving thanks for all this richness in my life. I know I'm fortunate, I know it won't always be this way, but I also know most of what I need to do to keep it this way is cherish it.

October 6 ... those that can ...

So what's that expression .. those that can - do, those that can't - teach ... I hope I have that right... I would like to challenge that thought. Why? Because I LOVE teaching. Seriously. I find it exciting, rewarding, enriching, all about connection. Ok so I guess it depends to some degree on what it is you teach - but maybe not. And I don't understand for the life of me why it is so difficult to get gigs where you get to teach. Apparently if you follow your heart and do what you love you get to do it. And for the most part that has worked out for me. I love my work, love the connections I make, love the journeys I'm ever so privileged to join people on. But man I love to teach.

So while I was just going to go on about not doing it enough, I caught myself... this is gratitude... I am very thankful for the evening I had, for the opportunity I did in fact get to teach. I thrived on the sharing and connection. Thank you universe.

October 5 .... an amazing Fall day.

I remember when writing in the Spring - I went on for quite sometime about the weather. How amazed I was at the early Spring, the warm weather, the wonderful paucity of snow.

Well seems it's getting bookended by the Fall. What a glorious day it was today. Too warm for the sweater I was carting around, the colors on the trees amazing, the smell in the air delicious, just lots to smile about. I took advantage to garden, and pulled out what will be my last vegetable garden - I can't fight all the growing trees that are making my sunny vegetable garden into a shady I don't know - English garden I guess? We'll see next year I suppose.

And this weekend, me and Honey, a getaway! With our bikes! To the awesome Laurentians - and I'm visiting Winnetou!!

Lot's to be grateful for.

October 3 ....where understanding grows

I have had a lovely weekend. On Friday, Honey stepped up, showed up, and took nice care of me after a tough work week. I really needed that - and it seems I didn't know how much till we were done.

Yesterday, we went for a walk on the mountain together. It was beautiful. Changing colours, crisp air, holding hands and talking. Later that evening we had dinner guests and we had a nice time.

Today we did a 50K cycle. We went to a new cycling path and it was absolutely gorgeous.

Hanging out with Honey has been a down right pleasure these days. It got me to thinking...

When something happens to jeopardize your attachment to someone... it's such a scary thing. I hope the next time (well truth be told, I hope there is no next time) ... but if there is, I hope next time I have the sense to recognize that's what's going on.. that the attachment between the two of us is being challenged (neglected, compromised) .. I hope I recognize the set of feelings that kicks up when that happens.. .and I hope to hell I have the where-with-all to recognize that and react differently, so that the time spent in that state is only as long as it takes me to recognize it. My cues are a deep sense of loneliness, aloneness, sadness, a good dose of anxiety. And all that because I felt like my connection was deeply troubled.

That's an awful lot to simply say, I'm really grateful for my connection with Honey. I'm really grateful I can take an ordinary walk with him and still feel crazy in love. I have missed that. I'm grateful that we both choose to keep working at this, to keep taking care, that we both see how precious we are as a team.

September 29..... a cup o' love...

In the spirit of keeping things simple, and appreciating whats good in life...

Honey and I, got off our duffs (gratitude right there) and went to the new Yeh! on Monkland. I am in love! I had a cup of frozen chocolate yogurt - that may well have been the best I ever had. Fat free !!!!! 2 WW points!!!

Sometimes people, you gotta stop and smell the roses .... or eat chocolate frozen yogurt.. either way...

September 28 ... don't you step on my red suede shoes!

Ok so they aren't suede, and I just realized, it's not even Princess Day, but I found myself two - that's right - two!! - pairs of awesome red shoes!!! I'm so happy!! And one pair has heels!! I haven't had a pair of shoes with heels - and red ones at that - in like, ever!

I realize how trite this must seem, however, a friend of mine once told me, with regard to this blog, to think and write on the things that bring a smile to your face.... well today it's my gorgeous red shoes! I'm still beaming!

May you find shoes that make you feel as happy.

September 27... home...

It's dark, and pouring out. I can hear the water gushing down the gutter out front, and I see the outline of a tree - blowing in the wind. The lighting in the area of the house I'm in is sparse - so there is a nice, soft glow all around. Nothing to bright or crazy. I'm done work, done dinner, feeling content.

I'm grateful for my home. I've said that before - but there are moments like right now where the lighting is just right, and it's nice and warm (we turned the friggen heat on this morning!!!! September 27! What the hell??? But I digress) ... it is in fact nice and dry and toasty warm.

I like feeling content.