June 20 ... the day after...

Howdy. I need to share what a great time I had last night. We had a record turn out at the Lane Party - how I know is because I collect the dough to pay for the lamb - and I collected more than ever before. It was, quite possibly, the very best meshwi we ever had. Delish. The people were fun, my friends were great, and I didn't get drunk. You know there might be a problem lurking in the background, when people show up at around 6 pm and are saying stuff like "Wow Heidi, it's 6 pm and you're not trashed yet!" or ..."Hey Heidi, it's 8 pm and you're still here! Wonderful!".  I actually got those comments last night - and truth be told they felt not good. (You need to know that the meshwi starts at around two in the afternoon, at which point the chef and sous-chef (I'm the sous-chef) usually starting cooking other things on the grill as well, and start with a bit of Ouzo .. it can and has gone down hill from there once or twice!).

Being the daughter of an alcoholic, drinking is always a loaded thing for me. I'm afraid of it ... until I start doing it, then I decide everything is fine. I learned last night that practicing restraint is not impossible, it is ok, and I feel a lot better today for it I tell you. It's horrible having that skeleton in my closet to tell the truth. It always makes me weigh and judge my behavior - probably, often, too harshly. And then the pendulum swings, and I don't respect the skeleton enough - apparently like at other lane parties. It's never, ever, a non-issue for me. There is always stuff to reflect on isn't there?

I had a great time. I got to take responsibility for my actions. I'm glad for it.

Day 11 .... dreams

I am a prolific dreamer. My dreams, for the most part, are a nightly source of entertainment. Of the several dreams I had last night, one was that I found a twenty dollar bill. It had fallen in between some kind of grill - therefore assuring me that it didn't "belong" to anyone. (There was a story similar to this at Honey's party so I'm wondering if that's where that came from....). Then I found yet another twenty dollar bill only this one was the "jacket" to many more bills, and they were of much bigger denominations! Like hundreds and five hundred dollar bills! Do they even exist? I like dreams like that, they make me feel like goods things are coming.

Then I dreamt of my mother. My mother passed away in 2005 after a sad and torturous life. She struggled with alcoholism from the time I was six years old, mostly in a bid to avoid feeling the feelings of having lost her own mother when she was 11. The thing is, except for one time, whenever I dream about my mother, she is always drunk. Always. Last night, the parts of the dream I remember: I was taking a bath with all my clothes on (?), then heard my mother come upstairs. I got out of the tub, went into the bedroom, we started hitting each other, and I screamed that I was leaving.

There is a part of me that longs for a dream about my mother where she is mothering me. The one time I did dream of her and she didn't seem drunk, she walked into an apartment I was in, turned on the light switch, and walked right by me as if she didn't know me. I remember thinking how beautiful she looked, but she did not acknowledge me.

I am not sure where this is going. Where is the gratitude? And of all things, about my mother. I wrote an essay after she passed away (sorry I don't think I know how to post a link properly)

http://hwiedemann.blogspot.com/2009/09/space-heidi-katharina-wiedemann-so-vast.html

and in there I struggle with the things I might be grateful for - not having to worry about midnight phone calls from the police ... but somehow that does not feel right for this space here - this space of gratitude.

Maybe it's about this .. I am grateful that I have learned other ways to cope with grief, sadness, and pain. I am grateful that I have other outlets for difficult feelings and interestingly enough, writing has always been one of those outlets. Maybe that's the link. I am grateful that I have people in my life that are there for me when I am scared, upset, lonely. I am grateful I don't shut them out.

I am grateful for the life I have chosen to live.