Monday, July 12, 2010

July 12... marbles in my mouth

Lately, I'm finding myself getting upset with the difficulties I'm having being authentic. I have words in my heart and mind, but when they get to my mouth they are like marbles .. they loll around but don't come out - and the words that do are somewhat "obstructed" by those marbles, they don't sound right, don't seem to be understood, don't get across what I desperately want to get across. And then I give up, and suffer in silence. 

I had a fantasy that as I got older, as I matured, did more therapy, learned more about myself, made it through menopause ... that I would get MORE authentic... not less. What's up with that? 

I'm grateful that I can recognize this cutting off I'm doing as something I am doing and not what someone else is doing to me. This gives me a measure of control over how my story will go ... or so I tell my self. Ah yes, the stories we tell ourselves - for comfort, security, indignation, fear ... I guess the journey to being authentic, like every other journey, begins with yourself, myself. 

I would like to wish young daughter a very happy birthday. I'm very proud of you Peanut. You are a beautiful mother - keep up the great work. Feel better.

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