March 12.... lessons

This has been a tough week. I'm glad it's Friday. I'm glad I'm home with Honey, we're having a quiet little dinner, glass of wine, Johnny Cash, it's all good.

This week I learned that I am grateful my mother .. was it my mother???? taught me to stand up for myself, to use my voice, to say hey, what I'm feeling is important. And while doing that - standing up and all - may cause a hornet's nest worth of poo to stir up, and feels awfully uncomfortable, it's gotta be done people, it's gotta be done. I met a woman this week who never learned that, and it's sad, sad in the saddest of senses. What's sad is that woman reminds me I'm grateful for my voice, in the same way thinking of my mother reminds me I'm grateful for my voice - it's the lack of their own that shows me the power of mine. I feel like there may be something not right in that... but I'm grateful for my voice none the less.

And after this long, stressful and weary making week ... I'm grateful for my home, my Honey, my life, my strength, my ability to make choices and understand things; I'm grateful for change, for friends, for the love in my life - cause really, I realize, it sustains me.

Happy Friday.

Day 24... Money and Change

I have been reading this book called Mind over Money: Overcoming Money Disorders that Threaten Financial Health. Money Disorders indeed. This has been such an eye opening book for me. Clearly, given the family I come from, I would have issues about money. The dance that Honey and I do, almost all the time when we talk about money, makes my - OUR - money disorder self evident. Ok so maybe disorder is a strong, even uncomfortable word. Ok so maybe just because of that it's worth exploring?

The book asks you to reflect on pivotal childhood events that shaped how you think and behave around money. Given my history, this is no small feat. The practice of thinking about this and exploring this issue, has in fact brought up some interesting things. My dad sold European goods to delicatessens and stores across Quebec and every Thursday he went around collecting. He always walked around with a huge, and I mean huge, wad of bills. He liked the feel of that, liked the bulge in his pocket, would flash the money around, and would say, there's none for Heidi. I am not entirely sure if he actually said that, but in my child's mind that's the message I received. I certainly had an aha moment when this memory surfaced.

My gratitude today is about my willingness to explore these things. My willingness to say, for sure given my history there are things I can improve. My willingness to say, hey kids, I have been blind to something important and that blindness may very well, surely has, impacted you and your lives. Wake up with me. I look around me and notice not everyone (family) sees the world the way that I do. And that's too bad. But I am grateful that I see it as I do. I am grateful I look at things and learn, and rather than hammer myself for not having known. I pat myself on the back for having the capacity to change and grow. I am grateful that I can. I am grateful that I do.

Day 18 ... when the going gets tough...

Howdy... I feel a little like I've been through the wringer. But before I tell you that story..

My dearest daughter has quit smoking!!! Day 3 and she is going strong! Even better - she is extremely proud of herself and is saying that she knows she can do this!! I could not be prouder. Holly.... take a step back, look at the road you have traveled my love, and pat yourself on the back!!! Hot Dog am I proud of you!!!

Now for the wringer part.

Any of you out there in a long term relationship? Ever fight about money? Ha ha ha. No, seriously... well I'm really grateful and proud of how Honey and I are able to have a dialogue, even when we're both scared and a bit (ok maybe more than a bit) panicky. We sit through each others' telling of the story .. which is always heightened, always a little high on the volume, cause, you know, we're excited. We have learned how to do that - hear each other through that. We don't leave the room until we find the clearing and say what needs to be said. And lucky for us, more often than not, we meet in that clearing, hold on to each other - even after all those words - hang on to each other, give each other a kiss.

I hope and pray each of our dreams comes true. I know we are there for each other. I know each of us wants the other to succeed. Fear and anxiety are not necessarily proof that I don't believe in something good.

I believe in you Honey. I believe that you are strong and a shining star. I believe you must pursue what your heart tells you to pursue. Please listen to that .. you're heart that is.

I am grateful we are together. I am grateful we listen to each other. I love you.