September 13 ... uber connecting...

So as I begin to write my blog, at this late (ish) hour -  I have Honey sitting beside me kindly nudging me to come to bed. That's nice. He's nudging too because for most of the night I have been "talking" to people. Middle daughter has a free texting plan, as do I, so we "talk" a lot more now. She is going through tough times as a matter of fact, and I'm really happy to be able to be a source of support for her.

Oldest Niece is back in college. Her boyfriend has a BlackBerry and she too can now chat with me for free - for long :-). She had a stressful first day back, needs some support too because of her fear of failure, her and I are good friends. It's all good.

Young daughter got home the other day from her two and a half week trip to see all sides of her family - and is now able to call. She did and I listened to little Levi singing away in the tub. He's outgrown his first wardrobe, he sounds happy so does my daughter.

In all that Honey got a little lost.

We women really are relational aren't we. I see how much it means to me, I see how important each and every one of these connections are, they fill me up, they make me happy.

Up to bed I go - to connect of course ;).

September 5.... reconnection...

Been a long, long time since I felt the way I did today: connected, loving, loved, wanted, wanting.. responsive, responded to... creative even.. two days in a row... in love, loved .... what a beautiful day.

Wish my kids were around to share in the nice of things - not just the sad and difficult of things.

I am very, very grateful for today.

August 14.... summer evenings when we're all in the groove...

It was a wonderful day. A cycle in a new place (I wasn't too crazy about the place - industrial Beauharnois, meh - what the hell is with Velo Quebec?)... but a good and nice cycle nevertheless, waterside picnic... We come home, Honey and I, with a minimum of bickering, which is much to be grateful for. We opt for a dinner at home, the two of us on the deck. We work together to make it lovely. We bring out the portable stereo thing and have an evening of loveliness, good food, good imbibing, good conversation, and good music. It's beautiful out tonight in many more ways than one.

I gotta tell you, after the months of feeling not good here at home, it sure is absolutely lovely to have an evening of connection and care like tonight.

I am truly grateful.

June 29 ... motherhood, the process

I am not sure what is going on with me. I am ever so thankful and grateful to be here with my daughter and her family. My grandson is precious. The rhythm between Peanut and I seems good and comfortable. The distance as I experience it, between my son-in-law and myself, is not about me, and it's all good.

I got text messages from middle daughter. She was in the midst of a drama. I apparently didn't respond in quite the fashion she had hoped and so was angry with me. I felt at a loss: loss of interest, loss of energy... not feeling able to stand up and meet the challenge of comforting her.

I don't think myself a good mother. Due to my history and the choices I have made as a mother - I feel there is much to make up for always, none of the relationships are free of trepidation, unsureness, unconditional anything... how could my actions of the past have been interpreted as unconditional? That is one of the big problems I guess for divorced parents.. how can your child possibly understand your love for them as unconditional if in fact you left? So what happens? You spend the rest of your life making up for it... feeling always on the edge of a cliff because of it, never really sure of your place.

On the other hand... Peanut trusts me enough to leave me alone with her son. Many a mother I'm sure would think me nuts for being surprised at this. It is how it is supposed to be. Well it's a big deal to me. And you know what .. I'm grateful for it.

Levi just woke crying... I waited, went and soothed him, and such an overwhelming sense of love took hold of me... as it does when I hold him... I KNOW this was there for my children. I know this. What does that morph into? There is a depth and a fullness to the love I feel for Levi. It's pure. It's beautiful. That love exists for my children as well. I know this. I wish they did.

When that wellspring of love surfaces as it just did ... that is gratitude.

May 13 ... Pride and Joy

So middle daughter had a bit of a drama yesterday. Today is the first day of a three week intensive work schedule. She was not expecting any hiccups in the plan - and couldn't really afford one - and of course that being the case, there was one. The issue revolves around parenting support and care for my grandson. So last night as we chatted I tried to soothe her, reminded her of all the obstacles she has already overcome, pointed out her strengths, told her we were there for her.

Later in the evening, after speaking to Honey, I decided that if need be I would drive up to Levis this weekend to be of whatever help I could. I then wrote a note to middle daughter explaining - that if she wanted it, I would be more than happy to come up this weekend rather than next (which has been planned for some time) - and to pitch in. I offered this not from a place of anything other than love and support, and a true belief in her capacity to deal with the situation. I feel that she is working so hard, and doing so well, that this unexpected hiccup shouldn't have to be a hardship on her. I want her feeling supported and strong.

So this morning I hear from her. And my wonderful daughter said, while she would so very much love to have me there, it was going to be fine with out me. She wrote, "I have to learn how to trust those around me sometime don't I? I have to show myself I can do this on my own Mom. I have to step up now and take care of things."

My daughter is showing such maturity, responsibility, poise, and intelligence... I am so very proud of her. It is such an absolutely wonderful feeling to hear thanks mom, but I can handle this one. Of course you can daughter, of course you can. I adore you.

March 11... a break..

So after howling things out last night, I am feeling calmer maybe. Not as revved up on anxiety. Certainly my back cooperated today, thank you physio-girl. Big shout out of gratitude right there. I could stop here and the gratitude for my back being ok would be enough... but I have more to say.

This time of transition and uncertainty is taxing, on both of us, and as hard as it gets, as loud as it gets, we always stay the course, we always listen, we always find each other. I'm grateful for that. Sometimes, I feel great shame in being afraid, not having faith, temporarily losing my ability to believe, stand up for, be there... I feel a lot of shame when I pass through that fire, come out the other end, and say oh yes, hold on, it's my job, my life's work to stand by you, is it not? What was I thinking? I'm sorry. Sometimes I think this shame is what cranks the volume up as well, on both sides. I know the fear does. It's all so complex and multi-layered isn't it?

And yet, despite this fear and shame, in spite of it maybe, there is love, corny as that may sound, there it is. It - the love - is what keeps us on course, keeps us trying to deflate the anxiety, keeps us reminding each other why we do what we do, why we are who we are, why we stand by each other. I am grateful for that love.

Day 22 ... About a Boy...

Today is a very special day. Today my grandson turns 6! How awesome is that. J is a treasure. Well what do you expect me to say - he is one of the most awesome kids I have ever met. He meditates, he fakes reading (funniest thing I ever saw), he is happy,inquisitive, smart, joyful and funny. I adore him. I wish he lived closer. I wish we, collectively, would have gotten off to a better start, but oh my how grateful I am for where we are. How very, very grateful.

I have another grandson on the way. And it seems my karma is all about difficult, fractious starts. I don't know why. I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with choices I made as a young mother - many of them not very good. This time around, it also seems to have a lot to do with being judged for those choices. It's sad and painful. I can't change the past. I can however be the best person I can be going forward, and have been for a long time now. There is a silver lining to all that pain, and that's the gratitude you feel when putting your best foot forward does work, like with J and his mother.

I'm grateful for the clarity I have with my daughter. I'm very grateful for my relationship with her and her son. I am grateful that regardless how difficult my relationship with my other daughter may be, we continue to persevere. If my relationship with Holly is teaching us anything, it's that it can be done. I am really grateful for that.

Happy Birthday my dearest J. I love you very much.

Day 18 ... when the going gets tough...

Howdy... I feel a little like I've been through the wringer. But before I tell you that story..

My dearest daughter has quit smoking!!! Day 3 and she is going strong! Even better - she is extremely proud of herself and is saying that she knows she can do this!! I could not be prouder. Holly.... take a step back, look at the road you have traveled my love, and pat yourself on the back!!! Hot Dog am I proud of you!!!

Now for the wringer part.

Any of you out there in a long term relationship? Ever fight about money? Ha ha ha. No, seriously... well I'm really grateful and proud of how Honey and I are able to have a dialogue, even when we're both scared and a bit (ok maybe more than a bit) panicky. We sit through each others' telling of the story .. which is always heightened, always a little high on the volume, cause, you know, we're excited. We have learned how to do that - hear each other through that. We don't leave the room until we find the clearing and say what needs to be said. And lucky for us, more often than not, we meet in that clearing, hold on to each other - even after all those words - hang on to each other, give each other a kiss.

I hope and pray each of our dreams comes true. I know we are there for each other. I know each of us wants the other to succeed. Fear and anxiety are not necessarily proof that I don't believe in something good.

I believe in you Honey. I believe that you are strong and a shining star. I believe you must pursue what your heart tells you to pursue. Please listen to that .. you're heart that is.

I am grateful we are together. I am grateful we listen to each other. I love you.

Day 12 - Work

I love what I do. I love where I do it. I love who I do it with. As a psychologist in private practice, I am so grateful and appreciative to my clients. They privilege me by letting me into their world. We work together, and quite a lot of the time they come to understand themselves in such a way that they are able to master their own problems. I ALWAYS learn more about me in the process. It's a real gift this learning I receive.

I love that my work is about relationships. I love that it's about making authentic connections with people. I love that I get to do it how I think I ought to do it, and it still works!

I love that I have to keep on learning to do what I do. I love that curiosity is a fundamental requirement in what I do. I love that openness and realness are rewarded and, are rewards in their own right.

I have a deep sense of gratitude about my work.

Day 10 - niceness...

It occurred to me that I have been writing about all this love and wonderfulness in my life. I wondered "maybe too much?". I mean 9 great days out of 10 - and even the off day in between was fraught with learning and growth. But how silly is that? It's ok to have a long stretch of wonderful. It's ok to be happy, in love, satisfied even, for long stretches even. Is this where I insert - "right"?

Here I am, writing after 5 hours of sleep, and lots of work, and one of the best parties I have ever thrown. Honey was thrilled with all the little surprises - I think actually, that he is somewhat overwhelmed by the outpouring of affection. He doesn't quite seem to know what to do with it, feels all squishy and uncomfortable, albeit totally grateful and happy. I'm happy for him. He had a great time, he looked amazing, and everyone enjoyed themselves.

Today I'm grateful that I can just sit. Today I'm grateful that I won't be cooking. Today I will revel with Honey, share all the little details of how this whole evening came together, I know he likes those kinds of stories.

Today I will let this contentment flourish, linger, and expand. Today I will trust it.

Gratitude, it's a good thing.

Day 8 ... a long time in the making...

Today (and this last week) is and has been a frenzy of activity. Honey is turning 50 and he is getting a party. I have been cooking like a crazy person because for whatever reason, I didn't have the party catered. I still don't know why.. but there you go. I am now resting after making at least 70 Shrimp and Green Onion pancakes! Maybe more.

There's been a lot of running around getting the things that I know make him happy. Planning and organizing many little surprises. Can you say exhausted?! :-)

I've been taking a lot of time to make this celebration happen and one thing I take from all this... I really love my husband. After twenty years I love our relationship, I love how we like many of the same things. Ya we bicker sometimes. Ya we get on each others' nerves from time to time. But I love how we are there for each other, how we've grown together and continue to do so. I love it. And yes, of course, I'm grateful.

I'll be real grateful if my back and body don't give out on me before the end of the fun tomorrow night!

I am also truly grateful for all the words of love and tribute coming through for Honey... what loveliness.

And finally - cause I hear the oven bell ringing ... I'm grateful that at 50, and after 20 years together, he, we, find ourselves happy, content, excited, and very much in love.

Day 2 - Overcoming Obstacles

We're off to Quebec to visit my daughter and grandson. Now there is gratitude. My daughter has struggled mightily in her short life-time. Our journey through her adolescence and into young adulthood was difficult, heart-wrenching, frightening. That has changed and the journey is now enriching, enlightening, supportive and wonderful. I am so proud of how she is overcoming the obstacles in her life and making good and solid decisions for herself, her son and the rest of her family. I get to watch her flower, grow, and become the person she really wants to be and she is happy to share that with me. I get to watch my grandson ... well watching my grandson doing anything is reason enough for gratitude .. but I get to watch him watch his mom, look up to her, learn from her. My heart is truly full and I am truly blessed. Much to be grateful for.

Tomorrow's gratitude will be shared a little later in the day.