A Million Miles Away...

About three to four years ago, youngest daughter decided on sort of a whim, to pack her bags and head out West. I personally hated the idea. I thought it rash, not thought through, too far away .... I had a whole list of reasons why she shouldn't go. I also had no power to stop her. And now as I contemplate this I might be grateful I didn't.

I make the trek out to see her and my youngest grandson about twice a year. She makes the trek back home about once a year. Where would we be without Skype? Still, to me this is obviously not enough - but it is what it is. It's bittersweet actually. Through this distance my daughter and I have been able to repair what was a relationship fraught with all manner of insecurity and misunderstanding. We had a tough road of it in the beginning. Now we listen. Now we talk more than I ever would have dreamed possible. Now we count on each other, respect each other, value each other's input into our lives. If anyone would have told me ten years ago that I would have a relationship with her that included speaking almost everyday I would never have believed it. I realize people say absence makes the heart grow fonder - but its about a lot more than that. You need to want to have someone in your life for that to be felt. So all this to say .... I dont know that we would have had the opportunity for our relationship to be so nicely repaired had she not made the choices she has made.  I'm grateful for where we are now as a family.

Through this distance too, I have come to know Canmore quite well, to know these mountains. If you don't know where Canmore is... it's a little piece of heaven about a twenty minutes drive from Banff. The town of Canmore is in a "bowl" of rocky mountains. From where ever it is you are in town... the dog run, your back yard, the park, the recycling plant (seriously) you are surrounded by majesty and wonder. I keep wondering if people here ever get tired of this .. but apparently not.

At the present moment it's my third day here. On day one we woke up early to go for coffee - it was sunrise - which happens a little later here because the sun needs to make it over these mountains. Well for what ever reason, clouds, humidity in the air - I don't know - but three mornings ago we stepped out into a wonder of orange and pink light bouncing off the sky. It was amazing. The sun then hit the peaks of the mountains and turned them orange too. All this against a changing blue sky - from the indigo, to turquoise, to icy blue, all blending in with the grey and white of the mountains. My description does it no justice at all. It was breathtaking. Yesterday - we woke to snow, lots and lots of snow. It snowed all day. We took a three hour walk in that snow. It was delicious. Today day three... we awoke to a clear blue sky - no orange, or pink - just brilliant sunlight waking the mountains up. The pines in the mountains are all covered in snow - I can't describe how magical it all looks.

You'd think I would have the sense to step out with my camera. Ya well, it's tough taking pics when you're a Grandma skating after a puck on the hockey rink!

November 2.... Gratitude

Happy Birthday Dad. I just called my dad to say Happy Birthday. For the first ten minutes he thought he was talking to my sister, which has more to do with his dementia than it does with my voice, or my sister. However.. all that to say, my dad was extra chatty this evening, regaling me with his philosophy of life, laughing like a hyena ( I wondered was he on something?? Birthday cheer??). In the end, it's nice that he could laugh like that. We had him here for a family dinner on Saturday to celebrate his birthday. We put on German beer drinking songs, and he sang his heart out. I invited him to dance and he happily obliged. That was funny. He can't move his legs around too much, bad knee, too much weight, so instead of twirling me around as he would have in days gone by, he threw his shoulders into it... was quite the sight. He lasted about 10 minutes which was great. It's always amazing to me to reflect on my relationship with my dad - he was a brute, brutal, really sucked as a father - until now. I'm grateful for what we have. I really am.

There are new pics of my grandson Levi on Facebook. I am so happy to see how well he is doing, how happy he is, how happy his mother is. However... there are moments like tonight where I viscerally ache for my daughter, and my grandson - and I should say daughters and grandsons. I don't know if it's because of the extremely difficult day I had at work - but I ache to hold Levi. I ache to hug Jakob. I wish my girls were here having tea with me.

In the end, reflecting on that ache let's me know how precious and beautiful these relationships are. I cherish them. I'm teary now as I write - who would have thunk I would arrive at a place where I am grateful for the family I have. Here I am.

August 26 .... outta my head...

I'm grateful for my work. It gives me the opportunity to focus on someone else. Too often it's so hard to pull yourself out of your own drama. Let me rephrase that. Too often I have a hard time pulling myself out of my own drama. I like owning my stuff. Sometimes - when times are tough and relationships fraught with whatever, I can get caught up, or shut down, or numb, or rageful, or sad ...... so much so it gives me a splitting headache. I was there today - headache and all. Then I went to work. I worried it would really affect my work. Perhaps that's why it didn't - affect my work that is, because I paid attention to it. By the end of my work - no headache, no knot in the stomach, no sadness, no rage. Sometimes you just need to get outside of yourself - as a way to let things go. Wish I could bottle that.

I had a nice dinner out with Honey. Our last night alone before the arrival of Archie - who will inevitably change our lives without even trying. He will be bringing much needed light and joy into this house once all the grandkids leave.

I'm a little whooped from the drama - but not so much that I can't stand back and be grateful for what is fine and right and good in my life...

August 16 ... keeping up!

Well.. yes, I have been slacking here lately - and young daughter gave me a piece of her mind. "It was fine while you were in Ireland - but now you're slipping! Come on Mom!".... uh, ok :)..

So the last few days have been nice, calm, loving even... that's nice.

Last night we had dinner with new friends. We were supposed to go to a free outdoor opera - to celebrate the end of Italian week. We went, set up our chairs - and then the heavens opened and gave us a monsoon of sorts. That was fun .. we were completely soaked by the time we got back to their home. Towels, borrowed clothes, jasmine tea and pie.... that wasn't too bad of an alternative to tell the truth.

In 9 days young daughter and little Levi arrive. Two days later, we'll be joined by middle daughter and Jakob! I am excited! The family therapist in me .. never mind that .. the mother in me is a little nervous.. excited, but hoping the ugly history of our family stays at rest just once.. and just long enough to love each other and have a good time. How wonderful it is that we are getting the opportunity to do just that! That weekend, the last weekend in August, we will be having a family jamboree of sorts, with my son and father in tow as well as friends of the family and possibly other surprises!!

Life's a hopping these days .... nice way to know you're alive.

June 29 ... motherhood, the process

I am not sure what is going on with me. I am ever so thankful and grateful to be here with my daughter and her family. My grandson is precious. The rhythm between Peanut and I seems good and comfortable. The distance as I experience it, between my son-in-law and myself, is not about me, and it's all good.

I got text messages from middle daughter. She was in the midst of a drama. I apparently didn't respond in quite the fashion she had hoped and so was angry with me. I felt at a loss: loss of interest, loss of energy... not feeling able to stand up and meet the challenge of comforting her.

I don't think myself a good mother. Due to my history and the choices I have made as a mother - I feel there is much to make up for always, none of the relationships are free of trepidation, unsureness, unconditional anything... how could my actions of the past have been interpreted as unconditional? That is one of the big problems I guess for divorced parents.. how can your child possibly understand your love for them as unconditional if in fact you left? So what happens? You spend the rest of your life making up for it... feeling always on the edge of a cliff because of it, never really sure of your place.

On the other hand... Peanut trusts me enough to leave me alone with her son. Many a mother I'm sure would think me nuts for being surprised at this. It is how it is supposed to be. Well it's a big deal to me. And you know what .. I'm grateful for it.

Levi just woke crying... I waited, went and soothed him, and such an overwhelming sense of love took hold of me... as it does when I hold him... I KNOW this was there for my children. I know this. What does that morph into? There is a depth and a fullness to the love I feel for Levi. It's pure. It's beautiful. That love exists for my children as well. I know this. I wish they did.

When that wellspring of love surfaces as it just did ... that is gratitude.

June 25 ... magnificence...

I arrived in Calgary at 11 a.m. Young daughter of mine looks amazing, my grandson is magnificent. He cooed at me! Watching daughter take care of the young man, I am filled with pride. I participated in giving a bath - and he loooovvves his bath! He was sooo happy in his bath. I'm in awe, happy, loving the time with my daughter and her little family.

And then of course there are the mountains. I can't be here and not notice the mountains. They are magnificent. I have already gone on the first of many walks.

I am now whooped proper... and need to go to bed. Tomorrow pictures, and more about all this magnificence around me.

June 17 .... Welcome Little Souls...

I witnessed an ancient, Jewish ritual today. I went to watch a little boy get circumcised. It was my first time meeting Little Henry, hearing his name, which was chosen to honour the memory of his late Grandmother Helen. Helen would have been a Bubby. Her presence was felt, undeniable, comforting.

Oh my God Henry is beautiful. His head fit into the cup of my hand. He has a shock of hair that is in fact, shocking! A perfect nose, a perfect face. So beautiful - and looks just like his dad. It was emotional, and wonderful, and sad, and joyful. I feel blessed to be a part of this family. I feel blessed with this new addition on Honey's side. Little Henry is bringing a lot of joy to this family.

That being said, I CAN'T WAIT to see Levi!! Next Friday! He will get a tummy rub from Grandma Heidi for sure. I can't wait to hold him, soothe him, truth be told, be soothed by him. I can't wait to see my daughter, the young woman now - she's a mother. Much feeling and emotion today. Much blessing.

Welcome little Souls.

May 30 .... of babies and baths

Young Daughter posted a video of giving little Levi a bath. Of course, seeing as how I'm the grandmother, I think it's beautiful - and it is. But what is so lovely to see is how she looks at him, how she touches him, knows him, how he gazes back at her, is secure, seems even to be enjoying himself actually. I don't know that I have ever seem Young Daughter look so utterly beautiful, so at peace, so sure of what she is doing. I'm so proud of her. June 25 seems so far away at the moment. 

May 25 .... a belated birthday.

Yesterday's post still fresh for me... It's important to balance things out. Recognizing what does that is important, yin and yang, good and bad, up and down. So while yes my mother's face, energy and suffering floated back to haunt me .. I need to share other things, other things that are worth being grateful for:

A birthday remembered and celebrated. I was deeply touched. A cake was made, a song was sung - for me.

When clarity was there, the connection was wonderful, authentic, the love was there, the longing answered. I could use more of that, I know we all could.

May 21 ... for the love of cooking....

We leave tomorrow for Quebec City-ish... we're going to visit middle daughter and Grandson Number One...

One of the things we are doing together is eating! We have all decided that rather than go out somewhere, we would all prefer some real family time together at home, eating together, playing together, being together... Its been a long, long time since Middle Daughter lived in a way that could accommodate anything like that. This is wonderful. So this morning - in preparation for the reunion.. I made some family favourites. Well truth be told, I started yesterday I think, but whatever - this morning - and an ordeal it was - I made enough Manacotti for a small army. That's how I cook - all (or everyone) or nothing!!! The Goulash I made yesterday to bring along will feed at least twenty... oh well. I made parts of the feast here and the rest will be made on the spot - I'm planning on involving Grandson Number One in a lot of that! I am very excited.

I remember when Honey's dear aunt Helen passed away. I was asked to help with the Shiva meals. Honey's other aunt (who no one appreciates much) arranged a schedule of who would feed the grieving family. I happily took my place among the people that would bring sustenance and comfort at this sad, sad time in all our lives. I remember cooking - I made chicken schnitzel, kasha with vegetables - and I forget what else - but I truly felt the presence of Helen while I was doing this. My cooking was infused with her love for her family, my love for her family and her, a respect for the ritual of Shiva... and I was extremely proud and thankful for my effort.

Ya well, "somewhat challenged other aunt" who had organized all this - clearly got a lot of things wrong - and I arrived at the family's home, with all my food, to find out someone else was slated to order Chinese food!!! Bloody hell..... anyway all that to tell you that in the end my food was served for the Shabbat dinner (the next night) of the Shiva week - it was intimate, and lovely, and really appreciated. Was a big deal to me. I felt Helen would have approved.

Anyway -I'm telling you all this because the same love and meaning and feeling went into today's preparations for my family dinner(s). I am constantly amazed that middle daughter and I have come to a place where we can enjoy, appreciate and anticipate such dinners. It's a miracle to me.

I am still working on figuring out how to blog from the Black Berry..... Should I not post tomorrow and Sunday (unthinkable!) .. it means I'm still working on it!

May 19.... What could have been....

My Princess Day started with a nice long telephone time with Peanut (remember, young pregnant daughter?). She is still in the hospital but getting much, much better - and now its a matter of waiting for Levi's jaundice to resolve itself. They are probably going home today. At one point during our conversation, Peanut brought up the blog - how did that happen? Oh! I told her I had received her card, found it very funny and lovely that she signed it Young Pregnant Daughter (I think she will actually miss being called that!), and had actually posted a blog about it - complete with a pic of the button. That brought us to me reading her all the posts she had missed during her hospital stay. By the end of it she was crying - crying happy tears she said. We talked about how transformative the process of writing this blog had been - on each of us, and between us. I don't think either one of us ever imagined ourselves where we are now in relation to each other. I'm going to take a huge leap here Peanut, but it feels to me like we have finally graduated to mother and daughter.

While our tears together may have been happy tears - at finally being able to be this open and loving with each other - I have to say there is a certain sadness for all the time we have missed, for all the sorrow we have lived - together or apart. Our story, mine and Peanut's had a long rough start.

However, seeing as this is a blog that recognizes Gratitude I just want to say ... you are so very precious to me. Your happiness means the world to me. To hear you talking now, about Levi and his father, and to hear the happiness in your voice brings me such over whelming joy I sometimes don't know what to do with it. To hear you reaching out to me the way you do touches me so deeply I can't really even explain it. I am sure at some point we will have a disagreement, ok maybe two, but I have a feeling from here on in it's different for you and me kiddo. I am here. And not going anywhere. I love you.

May 18 .... Getting to know you....

So I got a birthday card in the mail today. It was signed "young pregnant daughter" :). You have no idea of the smile that brings to my face!

But the best part was this! It was inside the card :).

Some time after my young daughter got pregnant, someone suggested to me I write a blog about my experience of her pregnancy. I thought that too narrow a road to walk - and in any case, not so sure her pregnancy was about me per say. Know what I mean? I'm thrilled that I have done what I have done, and continue to do what I do - here in this Gratitude blog - because somehow - it has touched young pregnant daughter (from here forward referred to as Peanut) and has created a bond between us I never imagined possible. There is something wonderful in letting someone into your world, creating some understanding, having your story heard. Especially by those that you love most.

Thanks Peanut....

Oh and PS... I'm so happy tomorrow is a true Princess Day!! Bring it on!

May 16.... The things you learn.

In the past week both my daughters have had quite a host of unusual circumstances fall upon them. Middle daughter and her work schedule bumped up against her partner's need to work out of town for a few days. She panicked, expressed her fear and worry, and called to tell her mom.

Young - not pregnant anymore - daughter, well.. that's mostly her story. For what I see as a whole host of reasons, she asked that I come down near the end of June rather than now, to meet young Levi, and to spend some time with her. The idea of me wanting to take care of her, to help her with this... seemed somehow lost on her. I don't know.

In any case.... what I am reflecting on today, and the epiphany I had .. was that in both cases my absence, -and surely there is a better way to put it - the space that my absence allowed, made room for other things. Middle daughter got to stand on her own two feet. She got the chance to prove something to herself. She got to grow up a little bit more, know herself a little bit more, handle things, be strong, make good decisions, and soothe herself. That's worth my absence if you ask me.

Young daughter, is getting the opportunity to be taken care of and not by her mother. Young son-in-law is stepping up beautifully, happily, eagerly even. It would seem these last few days seem to have solidified a somewhat tenuous relationship. The baby seems to have brought out the best in everyone around. Babies are life changing, no denying that. I can almost see how my presence might have robbed them of this.

Sometimes stepping aside and making room for life to teach your kids is the hardest damn thing you will - I have ever had to do. There is no denying I love my kids. I know they know this. I think these are the sacrifices they talk about when you get the lectures about what being a parent really means.

May 13 ... Pride and Joy

So middle daughter had a bit of a drama yesterday. Today is the first day of a three week intensive work schedule. She was not expecting any hiccups in the plan - and couldn't really afford one - and of course that being the case, there was one. The issue revolves around parenting support and care for my grandson. So last night as we chatted I tried to soothe her, reminded her of all the obstacles she has already overcome, pointed out her strengths, told her we were there for her.

Later in the evening, after speaking to Honey, I decided that if need be I would drive up to Levis this weekend to be of whatever help I could. I then wrote a note to middle daughter explaining - that if she wanted it, I would be more than happy to come up this weekend rather than next (which has been planned for some time) - and to pitch in. I offered this not from a place of anything other than love and support, and a true belief in her capacity to deal with the situation. I feel that she is working so hard, and doing so well, that this unexpected hiccup shouldn't have to be a hardship on her. I want her feeling supported and strong.

So this morning I hear from her. And my wonderful daughter said, while she would so very much love to have me there, it was going to be fine with out me. She wrote, "I have to learn how to trust those around me sometime don't I? I have to show myself I can do this on my own Mom. I have to step up now and take care of things."

My daughter is showing such maturity, responsibility, poise, and intelligence... I am so very proud of her. It is such an absolutely wonderful feeling to hear thanks mom, but I can handle this one. Of course you can daughter, of course you can. I adore you.

May 12 .... Princess Day...

So.. .while I had other plans today.... young pregnant daughter has me on the phone with her, sitting through contractions! Holy Cow! So Grandson number two on the way. Little J, grandson number one, has a loose tooth! We are already at the loose tooth stage with Little J, imagine that how much time has gone by already. I get to see him next weekend! Very excited about that.

My flight is booked to go see young pregnant daughter - sadly only at the end of June. We are in fact both thrilled I'm going. How I long to be there to welcome the new baby into the world. Alas it is not going to be. However this reaching out she is doing is wonderful.

I am chatting with middle daughter, on the phone with young pregnant daughter - I am very happy.

Ok well .. and addendum... no baby yet. My heart goes out to young pregnant daughter. These last hours can be quite the ordeal.

Hang in there girl. You're almost at the end of this. Or the beginning ...

May 10 ... more understanding...

So I can't just have a post like yesterday and not do some serious reflecting. My kids teach me something everyday. Middle daughter especially - called me a drama queen (ish) and gently reminded me I take things too personally, when they aren't meant to be taken at all. Coming from her that's funny, endearing, loving. I'm grateful we can talk the way we do now. Young pregnant daughter too, patient, kind, understanding that it's not about her.

I had an epiphany in the shower this morning. Remember that yesterday I felt very twirled up in these different facets of motherhood - my own, my mother`s, my daughters`experience of their mother (me) and themselves as mothers.... goes kind of round and round .. but I digress. So back to the shower ... that it occurred to me that this overwhelming insecurity I sometimes feel in relation to my kids belonged more to my mother than to me. That it was a model I had learned from her. And no of course I am not looking to blame - not at all. Its a function of context for me. I seek understanding. This model tells me that I should expect to be hurt, expect abandonment I guess, I wonder how much of that I have passed on.

I remember once a friend talking to me about her daughter. I was sharing my worries about my kids pursuing their education. She said she didn't understand that somehow, that with her daughter it was just understood she was going on in academia. I would imagine too, for many, it's just understood you love your kids and your kids love you. It just is. I suppose that due to the many different choices I have made as a mother I have not taken that understanding for granted, doubted it even. Maybe it's time to change that, make my own model and share that with my kids.

There is no hiding that motherhood is an extremely loaded issue for me. It's a long road to where you want to be. I'm grateful for the company I have here....

April 12 ... Thanks in the mail

Young pregnant daughter is having a bad day. That's all I am allowed to say. Another four weeks or so and she will be feeling better! She sent me a thank you card today, for the gifts I have sent her way. The front of the card has a little duck on it, and it says "Me, Grateful?"

I love it.

She called before I got home. Honey repeated several times that she had called, I should get back to her. I worried. When I did, I heard a tired, grumpy, little girl on the other end, needing to lean on her mama. I am so glad and grateful she knows how to ask for care, from me. It's a blessing if you ask me.

I feel very grateful.

March 23 ... The rantings of a pregnant girl ....

On the phone with young pregnant daughter (is it 32 or 33 weeks? not sure). I am grateful that I have gone through the experience of having a baby before she did, cause now I have the stamina to help her through things on the phone... stamina for things like uh... bellowing, moaning and groaning, cranky whining (she just chirped in). And all this is made totally pleasurable for me, because she likes to say "At least I know I'm doing it!"

That is worth a blog in and of itself. Some rantings:

Through the sound of a mouthful of cookies... "I gotta stop eating these cookies!!" Moan and groan... I'm roaring with laughter... she threatens to hang up and groans again.... Oh my goodness I love it.

Now she is upset cause she can't see her ribs :-).

"My dogs poop too much... it's true you pick up their poop one day... the next day you pick up seven plops. I wish I could poop 7 plops I would be so much less crabby. Just sayin'"

"Ok I'm gonna let you go and go sulk somewhere."

Hang in there lovely Peanut.

Ahhh, I'm grateful...

March 21 ...Regrets, apologies and gratitude.

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to turn a regret into gratitude. You ever do something you originally thought was right for you, and then it turns out all the reasons you thought it right are some how stupid after the fact? What I am struggling with though is if I had it to do over again - would I?

This sucks. Young pregnant daughter - my lovely young pregnant daughter, had a virtual shower held in her honour today (she lives in Alberta). This woman who my daughter cares greatly and deeply about, decided to host this shower. It was all arranged on Facebook. I don't know her, nor did I know anyone at the shower, except my daughter's aunt. My daughter was only going to be there "virtually". You can be sure as anything that had she been there in person, wild horses wouldn't have kept me away. But still..... would it have killed me to be there to show support for my daughter (which in my defense I do all the time). No. I don't know, I'm so conflicted. I don't like that I wasn't there. I didn't want to go.

So after talking today we decided we would both be sad about it and leave it at that. Had I gone, neither of us would be sad about it. I would have had a few uncomfortable moments. So what.

So I'm saying, I'm sorry love. I'm sorry I wasn't a big enough person to suck up what I could have sucked up. I am sorry to cause you any sadness at all.

I am grateful that you indeed have grown big in your heart. I am grateful that you're a bigger person than I am. I am grateful we could be honest, and that we both choose to stay the course.

March 17 .... Spa & Princess Day

I got a text message from a friend today... we had trouble reaching each other yesterday and agreed we would speak today. In her text this morning she wrote "when should I call you, I realize it's you Spa Day" :-)... I find this funny.

A short while ago, while I was surfing around on the net, young pregnant daughter came on line;

"Hi Mommy"

"Hi Honey, hows you?"

"I'm good. How was P(rincess) Day?" .... see... it's a thing now.

So S & P day ... I went for my first cycle of the year today. It's St. Patrick's Day. There is usually a snow storm on this day, or snow, or some form of winter crap, cause really there is nothing else to call it in the middle of March. But today was again, glorious. Yesterday was the warmest March 16th on record! And today may well have been the warmest March 17th.

So ya, I took out my awesome bike. I bought myself a new bike at the end of last summer. Sadly, I think I bought it because I was fighting about money with you know who. So ok, that was not the greatest reason.. but OH MY GOD I love my bike!!! I really do. Cycling has never been such a pleasure. And today was no exception. I went from home, all the way up and around Mount Royal - awesome ride for the first time out. Awesome ride for the 17th of March. Awesome ride period. And little things happened along the way.... riding through the woods on the mountain, I caught the sound of a woodpecker, it pleased me immensely. I passed a garden full of purple crocuses, beautiful, joyful, lovely.

So another fine Spa/Princess Day thank you very much. I am very full of gratitude.