June 7 .... much gratitude...

My present life began back about let's see.. twenty years ago. That's who I am now, the person that evolved from there. It's that woman that decided to go to university, get herself educated, figure out who I am and all. One of the first awesome women on my journey was M. I met her as my teacher - in one of my very first courses. It was then that I knew without a doubt actually, that I would one day have a private practice and do what it is I'm doing today. The road was long and curvy, hills and vales, but here I am pretty much how I visioned it then. And all along the way, in one way, shape or form, M has been there, in a strange kind of way.

Like I said our relationship began as teacher/student, Peter Pan/Wendy, White Witch/Grasshopper ... whatever. After some time, I taught with her, twice. Both experiences were great. She was near me when I first began therapy. I would run into her at the oddest of times. After one therapy session, running into her and our co-teaching colleagues, one of the colleagues said "Oh my look how upset poor Heidi is!", M chirped back "Good!".  She had a way of shaking me back to myself. She used to "rub" the bad energy off of me and toss it away. We spent a weekend in the country with two other women. We have laughed so hard together... M remember the drive to the country, me telling you the story of L ... doesn't matter now but holy cow I never laughed so hard in my life. Or the story of your mother's nursing home, where the mother AND daughter resided ... remember that howl? Or the book falling on your head on Park Avenue.. out of no where. Or being on the phone when you discovered the word Miasma!! God.. fuuuunnny.

And then she moved to another country. We don't see each other just as much as we ever did :). That's the kind of relationship we have I guess. And if that were all I had to write - I would be grateful enough.

Once she left Canada, she left her private practice behind too. And since she left, she has sent me a steady stream of work which has been a huge part of the success of my practice. I have thanked her many a time. I am thanking her again. The fact that she sends these folks to me speaks to me of trust - in me of course; of a recognition of my good work - cause truth be told, it's been over 5 years now that she is sending me people. I feel respected as a professional by my mentor and teacher. I am very, very grateful dear M. Thank you.

June 6 ... of comfort and mothers...

What a miserable, cold and rainy day we had today. It was beautiful. I have spent a total of two hours out of my pajamas. I watched a bunch of SYTYCD (the dance thing) back to back, interspersed with the movie Crouching Tiger, Something or other Dragon - which by the way is a beautiful movie, even if you're not into that sort of thing - and finally watched some golf. We took a two hour break to visit the folks, they tempted us with home made rhubarb pie! Who could resist?

For dinner Honey and I foraged in the fridge. Once in a while, and tonight was one of those nights, we don't have a "formal" dinner, no three food groups, no organized process, more like left overs, or something we each make for ourselves. My treat tonight was "noodles and eggs".

Do you remember any foodie things your mom used to cook you when you were a kid? My mom used to make us noodles and eggs, and I pretty much stay true to form except I take mine up a notch by using yummy Udon noodles, hot sesame seed oil, and curry spices. She used to make us sweet rice - white Dainty rice, cooked in milk, and served with either sugar and cinnamon sprinkled on top, or with fruit cocktail. Makes me gag to think about it now - but I used to LOVE that! Or cream of wheat the same way. She used to make us "spaetzle" - German home made noodles, and then fry that in brown butter, with bread crumbs. What's the nutritional value of that?  But I would eat it so happily - until I felt ill and ready to bust! Sundays at the cottage, she would always make us her French toast - that was always such a treat for us. She made pfannenkuchen - thick crepe like things - which we had with a host of different fillings - creamed spinach, or potato salad, or cut fruit into the batter and then sprinkle that with sugar, bizarre, but all in their own right yummy believe it or not. And I realized while making my noodles tonight, thinking about this, how nice was it to have come upon a good memory of my mom.

June 5 ... in the garden...

So the weather here is getting predictable - if it's the weekend it's raining. Except that... it more or less isn't. It looks foreboding enough not to go out and cycle, or picnic, or walk .. and in the end it barely rains. The silver lining in that is the gardening I got done today! My home - the outside - looks awesome. I have some new "children", a clematis, basil plants, ooh and a nice new lavender plant. And I transplanted irises to the front and created a sort of hedge, looks wonderful.

Now, at 5 pm... I can barely move... is that really how 49 is supposed to feel? Anyhow.. despite the stiffness and muscle ache, I am really pleased with my productive day. Yay me!

June 4 .. lettin' loose..

Honey and I moved here about 9 years ago now.. oh God.. that's like a blink of an eye! Crikie... Anyhoo all that to say... we have developed some fine relationships over the last nine years. The Mooka folks are awesome: we eat and drink too much, we play golf, we even vacation together... it's a beautiful thing.

The Greeks are awesome too. They may be a year or two younger than us (probably not even, and I don't even remember now). Mr. Greek was a buddy of our landlord that we had for 12 years on the Plateau. For whatever reason, it always thrills Honey to hear tales about what Mr. Greek and ex-landlord used to do together. I think because it's nice validation knowing EVERYONE else thought the guy (ex-landlord) an ass.

So often, during the summer, the Greeks invite us over for a 5 a 7. These guys happen to be the most generous, hospitable folks I have ever met. And the funniest thing... their oldest son D, mimics his dad.. completely.. when it comes to how he offers food, how he walks, how he wants to entertain when folks are around - it's beautiful. I doubt they follow blogs, or are even online that much .. maybe the kids... but if just once they would.. I would like them to know that their friendship and hospitality are immensely appreciated.

In two weeks we have our annual "Lane Party" .. it's usually a Meschwi of Lamb, this year perhaps a suckling pig!, but we're not sure. The entire neighbourhood shows up, we have an awesome, heartwarming, somewhat inebriated time, and I love it. I love summer. I love my neighbourhood.

What a lovely summer evening we have had...

June 3 .... getting out there....

I have been commenting lately on my great brain fatigue .. (Haven't I??). Well in case I haven't .. I have been suffering from brain fog, brain fatigue, a lack of motivation, I don't know what the hell...  and it's tough tough tough to get past it. It's easier, it really is, to sit and stare out a window for four hours than it is to get up and live a life. Sort of....

Anyhow... last week on Princess Day I was in a meeting where I met a very interesting lady. Since our meeting she has sent emails to two different people saying Heidi does this and that I think she would be good for you. Holy Cow!! Now I have to step up to the plate!! I do!!! I have to put my projects into practice, have to walk the talk, put my money where my mouth is... or make the money I'd like to put in my mouth! Whatever! And it's hard! It's hard to have the guts to put a workshop together and trust that it's going to be something. It's hard keeping the belief that you can engage people, that they will be interested, that you have something important to share. I was told I had wonderful potential for leadership, I should grab the bull by the horns, I have lots to offer. Really? How do you see that while I'm asleep at the wheel??? Tell me?! I'm really glad I met this lady. I may never see her again... but I'm grateful she came across my path.

Nothing like someone coming along and lighting a fire under your hiney.

June 2.... good old fashion Princess Day..

It's a spectacular morning. At this point I have already had a perfect Mooka coffee, lovely breakfast with Honey out on the deck, and time to linger over the morning paper. I'm getting ready to attempt playing a 9 hole game of golf with Mr. Mooka. God bless that man for his patience... because I use the terms "Game" and "golf" and "playing" very, very loosely. Cause truth be told - I suck at it! But I never give up!!

I love waking up happy, pain free, on a delicious summer morning - especially when it isn't even summer yet!

Off to a great day!

June 1.... I came to the conclusion

So today I only started working at one. Sometimes I have a hard time with an expanse of space and time before me. I have friends who run all day long, do for everyone, say they can't find a second... and I wander around my house with hours before me wondering what's wrong with me. Really. Sometimes I look at Honey's and my lifestyle and say too, something is wrong, we're just not like everyone else. Maybe I worry for nothing, but I'm not sure.

Anyhow.. so today I'm wandering around. I notice I don't have a lot of motivation to do anything either. I could just as easily sit in front of my computer, or stare out the window. I don't think this is good. It is in fact making me unhappy. So I go get my journal. I start writing about this, writing about what I want - have wanted - to do in terms of projects. I question why I can't - won't - find the energy to do them. My money workshop, other creative endeavors to broaden my private practice, work I'm supposed to do with a theatre company, clay or painting - something creative, exercise. What is it that stops me?

And then I make a choice. Can it possibly be that simple? I made a choice to exercise. 30 minutes on the elliptical - Marj where are you anyway? And all of a sudden I feel awake, not lethargic, clear. I finish up, take a shower - and then send some emails and make some phone calls. Put myself out among the living again.

Sometimes it just feels great making a choice for yourself.