June 14..... Family...

I'm struggling with starting this post today. I am not intending to complain, so if it sounds like that forgive me. Family is hard stuff. We don't get to pick our families. We don't get to pick the choices our family members make. We usually are pretty much affected by those choices none the less. Just a few examples: alcoholism, business decisions, life partner choices, drug addiction, divorce, religion..... you get the idea. There is a whole slew of stuff in my family - that seems to prevent us from having authentic relationships. And funny enough - that trait spans both my families, all three of my families... see it's complicated. And then there is the bubble problem I tend to have - thinking things are wonderful, lovely, loving even, when in reality they aren't really.

I found it funny (well not funny funny, funny in a weird way) that Peanut would call me today to talk about her disappointing relationship with her brother, when I just got through feeling saddened by Honey's family. Is it that we all harbour these expectations to be thought of, loved, in a way that's satisfying to us? That we want warm and dependable relationships and they aren't what's there? We want honesty and concern, unconditional love and acceptance, and that's just not there? We want to belong, be a part of, a bosom (buzum - how to spell?) of a family, yet it doesn't really exist? Buddhists teach that the thing you hang on to for security, whether it's family, love, or ego - it's not real. The security is not real. Suffering however, apparently is. That sort of sums up my feeling of family .. often. 

In terms of gratitude though, I am pleased that Peanut reached out and shared with me. We are a tiny unit her and I, and I would imagine it was her fear speaking, when she admonished me today to not mother her too much when I come for my visit. I know our relationship means much to her, as clearly it does to me. It's a precious thing, worthy of work and care. I don't want to lose it either Sweetheart. 

June 13 ... in the woods...

We got up early today and headed to the Laurentians for a cycle in Morin Heights. It started off kind of shaky... so after wiping out in the first 5 minutes, (no real harm done sort of), and finding my own private bathroom in the woods (I don't think I have EVER done that!! God Help Me) ... we finally got underway and had a fantastic 50 km ride. Ireland, we're getting ready for you! I feel great.

We went from Morin Heights to Lac des Seize Iles, through something called Le Corridor Aerobique. It was beautiful, difficult, wonderful! Much of the way looks like a place they might have filmed the Hobbit. Moss covered stones, brooks and waterfalls, small lakes all along. I was so thrilled when we came upon Lac des Seize Iles. It's a part of the country-side that is burned into memory -we have driven there so many times, it's on the way to Winnetou. It's a lake I have always wanted to get to know. The picnic lunch was awesome. And while the ride back - up most of a mountain to start was arduous, there is something so rewarding for me to know that my body can indeed cooperate. I feel great, whooped, and happy.

June 12 ... ordinary things....

Today was a day of getting stuff done. We needed to finalize, sort of, our wardrobe prep for Ireland - that's coming up quickly. Going shopping for clothes is rarely fun for me. I'm shaped like a light bulb... ya, like that, like when you're holding up a light bulb - screwy side down... no fun.. thats not a pear, or an apple, certainly not a bean... no way, uh uh not me, I'm a light bulb. Which means what fits on the top doesn't fit on the bottom and vice versa... Oh well. The good news is, rather than look like a young, hip, hottie babe... I'm going to look like an Olympic athlete! See.. it's all about the silver lining.

Then we proceeded to the baby store! Soo tiny these things. It's hard to imagine my own children, who are now adults, with whom I have at the very least, complicated relationships, were once my teeny tiny babies. So we shopped for Levi and the new second cousin, who I hope we're going to see shortly. Imagine we were all such tiny creatures once upon a time. You lose sight of that, lose sight of how vulnerable we all were, basically are, who am I kidding.

Now it's time for an afternoon nap, before this evenings festivities begin. We're off to a BBQ party.

Nice easy summer day. I'm grateful.

Oh, PS ... Blogger has new templates.. let me know what you think of the change....

June 11.... up at dawn...

For whatever reason I woke up at 5 am. Honey says I was already reading by then .. but how would he know? I'm sure he was the dude lying next to me snoring away! Anyhow.. so while it's only 7 pm now, and I have yet to have dinner, I'm ready for bed!!!

My gratitude is simple today. I'm really glad it hasn't been raining and overcast for the last 4 hours. We're all praying for a break tomorrow, I want to cycle, walk, something! And while tomorrow isn't here, and yesterday is gone... right now is a gift... back to the deck!

June 10.... more babies!!!

Second cousin once removed .. is that even it? Let me start over ... Honey's cousin had a baby today! Beautiful, beautiful boy. Mom looked like she didn't even break a sweat, seriously. I saw her less than three weeks ago and really, she didn't even look all that pregnant!!! I am very, very happy for them indeed.

I had a moment today where I really missed her mom. Dear H passed away two years go February. I know her daughters missed her mightily today. We all did. When I said as much to Auntie A she said "She was with us anyway". We all carry a spirit or two around with us don't we?

I am noticing now that whenever someone close has a baby, it's really loaded for me. I wanted so badly for my mother to be there for me when my kids were born. That didn't happen. It was and is painful, more so I guess because I always saw it as her choice. It would be nice to find a way to rejoice about these babies that are coming into my life. New grandson, new second cousin, these are happy wonderful events - not sad ones.

Time to move on Heidi.

June 9.... stuff to say...

I have been carrying around some thoughts and on first glance they don't seem to have too much to do with gratitude... but I have done this before and ended up somewhere lovely so here goes.

So yesterday's convo with S is still with me. I have been thinking about how we as women, often, put the relationship above all else. Many of us have put it ahead of our kids, certainly at the expense of ourselves, we drown out our desires and voices and wake up somewhere down the road asking ourselves how we got here. That's hard shit. How do we get ourselves heard? My experience is that sometimes even if we're heard, we're not. Perhaps the problem is the expectation of change once we are in fact heard. Nothing seems simple.

Today I was part of a group that is 99% women. There is a bully among us, among the 99%. No one is speaking up, challenging, putting a stop to it.. I guess that's why it's called bullying. Or mental illness, I'm not sure! Anyhow.. all that to say.. sometimes, you gotta stand up and say stuff that needs to be said. And sadly, even doing that isn't always enough (see, again!). Our voices are drowned out by an emotional reaction, our own guilt or fear, our own insecurity, or for the sake of "peace" - whatever the hell that would look like. Often rather than own our anger and unhappiness we get on board with the insane and say stuff like "Oh, I'm pmsing" or "Oh, I'm menopausal - I'll be less pissed at your inattention and disrespect when I age!" - wtf??? We DO this!

So where's the gratitude in one's voicelessness. How many are the ways we silence ourselves? Because many they are. I've been challenged recently to step up to a place of leadership. But I can see clearly... there is no support there for me. The bully is winning the day. And mostly everyone is afraid of a bully. There is a part of me saying - I can pick and choose my battles and I'm not sure this one merits my energy - precious as it is to me. How do I figure that out?

Gratitude.... in the melee of my day, I hear that I make a difference, I hear that I am being counted on to make a difference, I hear that in fact that is my role. I appreciated very much the definition of that today. From that feedback it would seem I have a voice, and someone is hearing it.

June 8 ... of men and hair...

I went to see S today. She is my lovely hair consultant. I consult with her on my hair, and she does what she wants. Very much most of the time I come away happy. The times that I don't I am beginning to realize it's not about her. I keep demanding that she make me look younger, thinner, hipper, not like an old woman from the burbs (eeek!!!)  you can do that with my little bit of hair can't you???  We spend a lot of time laughing together. Today seemed sadder. It didn't help that I'm PMSing. Anyhow all that to say we got on to the subject of our respective men.

I need to share something with you S. You must take what I say with a grain of salt - as clearly, like I explained, I'm no expert on the subject. Dear beautiful S, you deserve so much. One doesn't need to spend a lot of time with you to know that you are one of those true spirits, those pure ones, the ones without malice. You are caring, responsible, fuuuuuuunny. You don't deserve to suffer, even less to suffer in silence. And truth be told, with regard to our subject matter, none of us do - deserve that. But it's the very few of us who can talk about it, who can make choices to change things, who can step up and respect themselves enough to do just that. I doubt that I lead by example, but I talk about it. I talk about it a lot. I know you have too. No one will think any less of you for putting yourself first. Do it cleanly, honourably, honestly ... I promise there will be great rewards for you to reap.

What's this got to do with gratitude? I am grateful I know a pure a heart as you. Thank you .... not so sure about the cut though, it looks a little "burby" to me. :-) xo