June 14..... Family...

I'm struggling with starting this post today. I am not intending to complain, so if it sounds like that forgive me. Family is hard stuff. We don't get to pick our families. We don't get to pick the choices our family members make. We usually are pretty much affected by those choices none the less. Just a few examples: alcoholism, business decisions, life partner choices, drug addiction, divorce, religion..... you get the idea. There is a whole slew of stuff in my family - that seems to prevent us from having authentic relationships. And funny enough - that trait spans both my families, all three of my families... see it's complicated. And then there is the bubble problem I tend to have - thinking things are wonderful, lovely, loving even, when in reality they aren't really.

I found it funny (well not funny funny, funny in a weird way) that Peanut would call me today to talk about her disappointing relationship with her brother, when I just got through feeling saddened by Honey's family. Is it that we all harbour these expectations to be thought of, loved, in a way that's satisfying to us? That we want warm and dependable relationships and they aren't what's there? We want honesty and concern, unconditional love and acceptance, and that's just not there? We want to belong, be a part of, a bosom (buzum - how to spell?) of a family, yet it doesn't really exist? Buddhists teach that the thing you hang on to for security, whether it's family, love, or ego - it's not real. The security is not real. Suffering however, apparently is. That sort of sums up my feeling of family .. often. 

In terms of gratitude though, I am pleased that Peanut reached out and shared with me. We are a tiny unit her and I, and I would imagine it was her fear speaking, when she admonished me today to not mother her too much when I come for my visit. I know our relationship means much to her, as clearly it does to me. It's a precious thing, worthy of work and care. I don't want to lose it either Sweetheart. 

June 9.... stuff to say...

I have been carrying around some thoughts and on first glance they don't seem to have too much to do with gratitude... but I have done this before and ended up somewhere lovely so here goes.

So yesterday's convo with S is still with me. I have been thinking about how we as women, often, put the relationship above all else. Many of us have put it ahead of our kids, certainly at the expense of ourselves, we drown out our desires and voices and wake up somewhere down the road asking ourselves how we got here. That's hard shit. How do we get ourselves heard? My experience is that sometimes even if we're heard, we're not. Perhaps the problem is the expectation of change once we are in fact heard. Nothing seems simple.

Today I was part of a group that is 99% women. There is a bully among us, among the 99%. No one is speaking up, challenging, putting a stop to it.. I guess that's why it's called bullying. Or mental illness, I'm not sure! Anyhow.. all that to say.. sometimes, you gotta stand up and say stuff that needs to be said. And sadly, even doing that isn't always enough (see, again!). Our voices are drowned out by an emotional reaction, our own guilt or fear, our own insecurity, or for the sake of "peace" - whatever the hell that would look like. Often rather than own our anger and unhappiness we get on board with the insane and say stuff like "Oh, I'm pmsing" or "Oh, I'm menopausal - I'll be less pissed at your inattention and disrespect when I age!" - wtf??? We DO this!

So where's the gratitude in one's voicelessness. How many are the ways we silence ourselves? Because many they are. I've been challenged recently to step up to a place of leadership. But I can see clearly... there is no support there for me. The bully is winning the day. And mostly everyone is afraid of a bully. There is a part of me saying - I can pick and choose my battles and I'm not sure this one merits my energy - precious as it is to me. How do I figure that out?

Gratitude.... in the melee of my day, I hear that I make a difference, I hear that I am being counted on to make a difference, I hear that in fact that is my role. I appreciated very much the definition of that today. From that feedback it would seem I have a voice, and someone is hearing it.

May 1!!! Wow... Relationships

I had a lovely dinner out with friends tonight. We had a wonderful philisophical discussion about relationships, and how could a relationship be cultivated on the web, or email, or virtually and I argued that they could, and my friends find it difficult to understand.

We came to the conclusion that we are online as we are in life - if we're reclusive and withdrawn in person, so will we be online, and if we are outgoing, and trusting and sharing in person, so will we be online.

Two years ago (or was it three??? Gaad I don't know) I joined Weight Watchers online. Losing weight was not the only gift I got from that experience. I met M there - on the community chat boards, where we as members went for support, to share our struggles as well as achievements, to motivate and be motivated, to find other like-minded souls to connect with. M and I developed a very strong connection. For the last two years we have written most every Friday night, and depending on what we are going through, we write as often as we need to. Her marriage ended, she sold her home, her kids have moved on to college, mine moved away, is having a baby, the relationships we're each in are/were hard, demanding, we needed a place to find solace and comfort. We gave that to each other, we listened to each other, no judgement, no criticism, honest support to get through tough times. I have never met M in person. I hope to some day. I wouldn't trade what we have for anything. I have grown as a person both through her kind words to me, and from being available to her through her hard times. The fact that we have never met in person hasn't delegitimized the value of the connection for me. I am authentic, honest, available, loving even .. and I like myself like that. M brings out those qualities in me, I revel in the intensity of our intimacy - what we allow ourselves to share. We trust the other person holds us sacred and respects what it is we are sharing.

I'm grateful for the relationships in my life that nourish me, no matter what form they come in. They help me grow as a person, make me feel like this world is a better place, make me believe in the goodness of the human spirit. That's a good thing.

March 20 ... Happy Spring and other things...

I am not an alarmist. The fact that we have had one of the easiest winters and earliest springs is not necessarily due to global warming. Ice ages have come and gone and this year I'm ok with the "gone" aspect of winter's brutality. All that to say Happy Spring - and I am grateful for the weather and the end of winter.

Now to pick up from yesterday.

So this friends thing... I used to be notorious for rushing into relationships, not taking the time to really get to know someone, or for letting myself be known, and yet assuming the relationships were solid and real. This made for a lot of mucked up assumptions and inevitably heartache.

Maybe it's a function of age, maybe it's a function of having gotten burned often enough, I really see a change in how I engage, how I begin or enter into a relationship. I'm a little cautious now, I feel myself holding back, and it's not being dishonest, I don't know how to describe it really. But yesterday, sitting with my colleague/potential new friend, I felt it. We were sharing, caring, interested in each other, making plans together ..and all the while I felt this inner pacing I guess, recognized I was making choices to trust, to deepen what we were creating - I guess that's it - it was totally conscious.

That got me to thinking about gratitude... I am grateful I have a resilient heart. I am grateful I step back into the ring of humanity and relationships, continue to seek out new friendships, grateful I trust still. Because really, friends are a wonderful thing.

March 16 ... babies and daughters

Young pregnant daughter posted pics of herself on Facebook today. She is 30 weeks and counting! She looks amazing, healthy, lovely, (huge!!) ... happy, no denying her "condition" lol.

I am so very grateful for our relationship. I know I say that a lot in this blog. 21 years ago I made the choice to be a non-custodial mother. Choice is a strange word to use. I felt, and feel, that I made the best decision possible for everyone concerned. To look back now and say I could have done things differently, or I should have, is of not much use. The fact remains I made the choices I made. Those choices have had their consequences, not the least of which has been some fractious relationships with my children. But I think I can say, we have all gotten through the rough parts, skinned knees and scraped elbows to be sure... but here we all are, at the other end of it. And here we are able to share in each others' lives, happiness, sadness, children (!), relationships... I am allowed in, I am invited in, and I am very grateful. I am grateful that these relationships have persevered, and that I can live without regret for the path I took.

I gotta go, one of my girls' is calling :-)...

March 14... Afternoon delight...

It's a cold, rainy day here in Montreal. Even so, it's been lovely. We moved our clocks ahead this morning, I spent time helping a friend, chatted to my lovely daughter in Quebec, lazed around with the paper and a second cup of perfect Mooka coffee...

As if that wasn't enough to be grateful for, well, there was some delightfulness this afternoon! I am always grateful when that happens! I am always grateful to know that the machine isn't quite kaput! My foray into menopausal territory over the last two years has been scary .. especially on the "delightful" front. Before this goes into TMI - I just wanna say, I'm grateful .. content and grateful ..'nuff said!

Sometimes I don't get it. I don't get how in such a short period of time, and a week sure as hell feels short to me, I can go from so worried, anxious, and upset about stuff, and about the state of Honey and I; to content, peaceful, sated (ya, ya) .. and grateful!! I am very grateful that I do get back to this space, this grateful place. I am glad we persist, I am grateful we know we're together, loving each other, wanting each other, still. Grateful.

I'm going to snuggle...

March 5 ... Lots of stuff

Hi there. My day started kind of funky. Honey and I are still trying to navigate difficult issues .. about money, those dialogues never, ever being easy. So I wasn't happy when I left the house. I wasn't happy after my client. Then I went to get my hair taken care of, and ahhhh .. there itwas, that lovely breath of fresh air that is Spiro, one of the most beautiful and lovely 25 year old souls I know. 25 people! When I saw her she said "Hey, it's not Wednesday" - Princess Day remember?. I'm thrilled that little rituals I have started in my blog are being carried on by others, remembered, honoured.... it's amazing.

Spiro and I always laugh a lot together. I wonder what my hair would look like if we didn't. Anyway, we always share stories and today was no exception. So I tell her about some of the happenings at Honey's party. I tell her about my not being happy today. She tells me about her stuff, in particular about her Honey. Her husband received underwear as a gift from his mom on his birthday. Eeek I said, we laughed. How old is he?? 30!!! We're roaring... Honestly, I have to check my hair tomorrow - how can you laugh so hard and cut hair at the same time. I am grateful for the real honest to goodness fun I have with her. I always feel better after seeing her. I want her to know I am grateful for what it is she brings to me when I see her. Thank you Dear Girl. You are one beautiful soul.

I had a lovely chat with young pregnant daughter. She is doing really well, the pregnancy having eased up on her. She asked what I was doing today, I told her going to the hair salon, she replied "It's not Wednesday Ma", I said "It's ok, I'm expanding" .... there is that pebble in the pond again if you ask me. Makes me happy, makes me feel grateful. Lately, young pregnant daughter has been paying attention, acknowledging my presence, showing interest, ... it's nice. It's nice for things to be reciprocal. I need her to know I am appreciative and grateful for her stepping up to the plate in our relationship. I love it. I am very grateful.

And finally, we had dinner with the lovely Mooka folks. I cooked a spectacular dinner. Everything came out perfect, perfectly delicious, perfectly beautiful. I am proud of myself. I am very grateful for the company I had. These lovely people have invited us down south for a week, that's coming up soon, and yes, I am grateful!

So there you have it, despite a rough start, a lovely day and evening all in all. Niceness.

I'm full of gratitude.

Day 26 ... Tough Lessons...

I have been asked to reflect on my history. My history as a mother to be more specific. This in light of my daughter's impending baby - a new grandson for me. Another birth I will sadly not be a part of in a way I would like to be. Another fractured beginning - for me anyway. I've have decided, however, to be grateful for what ever it will be.

In a discussion I had today with a wise woman, I reflected on who I was when I had my kids. She kept saying "I just can not seem to connect who you were then to who you are now". "Neither can I" I replied, yet I am being held accountable for that, for who I was and choices I made, then. I remember being a somewhat chaotic, immature, desperately lonely and insecure child who yearned for family - when I had my kids. I was addicted, dysfunctional, trapped and stuck. I had no models for how to live my life, only a conviction that "this" was not how it ought to be done. At one point I remember clearly, seeing a road before me, one led to my mother's end, one led I knew not where. Who knew it would be here.

I feel sad that my daughter would reproach me for who I was then, rather than accept (would appreciate be too much to ask?) who I am now. That wise woman today remarked how she understood my leaving, understood the impossibility of me staying in that place given my propensity, absolute need even, of moving forward, learning, growing.

I am grateful for having arrived where I am. I am grateful, again, for having found a capacity for compassion, because it helps me here too. I am grateful for the wise women in my life, who help steer the boat in the stormy waters of my life, give me anchor, keep me steady. I am grateful for my strength, for staying open, and present, despite pressure to retreat, withdraw, cutoff. That would be unacceptable - it used to be a pattern, a habit, a solution. I am grateful that its not.

I love you daughter. I wish you peace.

Day 25 ... Compassion

Today's gratitude has to do with yesterday's events.

I am a negligent daughter. While I do a good job taking care of the money for my dementia-ridden father, I don't visit as much as I should or could. Worse, I don't really feel guilty. I go every couple of weeks, spend a few silent minutes with him - which he seems really happy about, and then I'm off on my merry way. I make sure the Residence and case workers take good care of him, that he has what he needs, that he gets his medical needs met, that his rent is paid on time. Maybe I'm not so negligent.

The relationship with my dad is a complicated one. My dad is a narcissist. He was brutal with me as a kid, physically, mentally, verbally. In my twenties I walked around with clenched teeth, so consumed was I by my anger. I grew up thinking my self stupid, because that's what I was told. I made decisions to accommodate that belief. I was never supported or taken care of. Never protected from my mother. It sucked.

Somewhere along the line, because of another event in my life, I began to learn about compassion. The kind of compassion that Pema Chodron teaches about. She is a Buddhist monk in Nova Scotia. Through learning about compassion, and directing it toward my self and then my father, my anger began to melt away. I learned that the weight of compassion felt much better than the burden of anger. It was a salve, a relief, a better way for me to be.

So yesterday, what was supposed to be a 20 minute visit, turned into a four hour visit. My dad needed taking care of. He had an "accident", didn't seem to know what to do about it so left everything the way it was. It was not nice, required a considerable amount of cleaning and laundering. I had to intervene with the Residence staff. I had to wash my dad, help him shave and brush his teeth.

I am ever grateful for the teaching of compassion. Without that yesterday would have been impossible. I am grateful to have in my heart the capacity and wish, even, to do what I do - to understand it as something I have to do, want to do, can do. It is such an irony to me that I am the one now caring for my father. More importantly, it's a real gift.

Day 22 ... About a Boy...

Today is a very special day. Today my grandson turns 6! How awesome is that. J is a treasure. Well what do you expect me to say - he is one of the most awesome kids I have ever met. He meditates, he fakes reading (funniest thing I ever saw), he is happy,inquisitive, smart, joyful and funny. I adore him. I wish he lived closer. I wish we, collectively, would have gotten off to a better start, but oh my how grateful I am for where we are. How very, very grateful.

I have another grandson on the way. And it seems my karma is all about difficult, fractious starts. I don't know why. I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with choices I made as a young mother - many of them not very good. This time around, it also seems to have a lot to do with being judged for those choices. It's sad and painful. I can't change the past. I can however be the best person I can be going forward, and have been for a long time now. There is a silver lining to all that pain, and that's the gratitude you feel when putting your best foot forward does work, like with J and his mother.

I'm grateful for the clarity I have with my daughter. I'm very grateful for my relationship with her and her son. I am grateful that regardless how difficult my relationship with my other daughter may be, we continue to persevere. If my relationship with Holly is teaching us anything, it's that it can be done. I am really grateful for that.

Happy Birthday my dearest J. I love you very much.