July 16 ..... sunshine in my life...

Ok so seriously.... what more do I need to say? No matter how bad the evening, how contentious ... whatever... I come home and find this on my facebook page... I'm grateful. I can not help but coo and giggle .... what a wonderful remedy for what ails you. See if I can't post another one ..

You know what.. this may seem selfish... but I look at little Levi.. and I long for a time when things were simple.

What an absolute Joy this child is!

July 2 .... like riding a bicycle...

It's my last night here and so I gave the kids a break. The two have gone out to dinner for some much needed alone, adult time. Yay me... I'm alone with delicious little Levi. Was I worried? Was my daughter? No and I don't think so. I feel glad she has this faith in me. I have given him a bath, fed him twice today, coaxed him to sleep... and here I thought I forgot how to do all that...

It's so nice and quiet in the house at the moment.... that sleep should come so peacefully to all of us.

June 30 ... Grandmotherhood...

I have to tell you... there is no better feeling in the world than your daughter placing your grandson in your arms and saying "Here, you deal.. I need some sleep". Then you change, and feed, and play, and coo... and put the little man happily to bed. And the house is quiet and all is well and my heart is very, very full ....

I know I'm biased.... but oh my God, that baby is absolutely perfect. We all are aren't we?

June 29 ... motherhood, the process

I am not sure what is going on with me. I am ever so thankful and grateful to be here with my daughter and her family. My grandson is precious. The rhythm between Peanut and I seems good and comfortable. The distance as I experience it, between my son-in-law and myself, is not about me, and it's all good.

I got text messages from middle daughter. She was in the midst of a drama. I apparently didn't respond in quite the fashion she had hoped and so was angry with me. I felt at a loss: loss of interest, loss of energy... not feeling able to stand up and meet the challenge of comforting her.

I don't think myself a good mother. Due to my history and the choices I have made as a mother - I feel there is much to make up for always, none of the relationships are free of trepidation, unsureness, unconditional anything... how could my actions of the past have been interpreted as unconditional? That is one of the big problems I guess for divorced parents.. how can your child possibly understand your love for them as unconditional if in fact you left? So what happens? You spend the rest of your life making up for it... feeling always on the edge of a cliff because of it, never really sure of your place.

On the other hand... Peanut trusts me enough to leave me alone with her son. Many a mother I'm sure would think me nuts for being surprised at this. It is how it is supposed to be. Well it's a big deal to me. And you know what .. I'm grateful for it.

Levi just woke crying... I waited, went and soothed him, and such an overwhelming sense of love took hold of me... as it does when I hold him... I KNOW this was there for my children. I know this. What does that morph into? There is a depth and a fullness to the love I feel for Levi. It's pure. It's beautiful. That love exists for my children as well. I know this. I wish they did.

When that wellspring of love surfaces as it just did ... that is gratitude.

June 25 ... magnificence...

I arrived in Calgary at 11 a.m. Young daughter of mine looks amazing, my grandson is magnificent. He cooed at me! Watching daughter take care of the young man, I am filled with pride. I participated in giving a bath - and he loooovvves his bath! He was sooo happy in his bath. I'm in awe, happy, loving the time with my daughter and her little family.

And then of course there are the mountains. I can't be here and not notice the mountains. They are magnificent. I have already gone on the first of many walks.

I am now whooped proper... and need to go to bed. Tomorrow pictures, and more about all this magnificence around me.

June 17 .... Welcome Little Souls...

I witnessed an ancient, Jewish ritual today. I went to watch a little boy get circumcised. It was my first time meeting Little Henry, hearing his name, which was chosen to honour the memory of his late Grandmother Helen. Helen would have been a Bubby. Her presence was felt, undeniable, comforting.

Oh my God Henry is beautiful. His head fit into the cup of my hand. He has a shock of hair that is in fact, shocking! A perfect nose, a perfect face. So beautiful - and looks just like his dad. It was emotional, and wonderful, and sad, and joyful. I feel blessed to be a part of this family. I feel blessed with this new addition on Honey's side. Little Henry is bringing a lot of joy to this family.

That being said, I CAN'T WAIT to see Levi!! Next Friday! He will get a tummy rub from Grandma Heidi for sure. I can't wait to hold him, soothe him, truth be told, be soothed by him. I can't wait to see my daughter, the young woman now - she's a mother. Much feeling and emotion today. Much blessing.

Welcome little Souls.

June 12 ... ordinary things....

Today was a day of getting stuff done. We needed to finalize, sort of, our wardrobe prep for Ireland - that's coming up quickly. Going shopping for clothes is rarely fun for me. I'm shaped like a light bulb... ya, like that, like when you're holding up a light bulb - screwy side down... no fun.. thats not a pear, or an apple, certainly not a bean... no way, uh uh not me, I'm a light bulb. Which means what fits on the top doesn't fit on the bottom and vice versa... Oh well. The good news is, rather than look like a young, hip, hottie babe... I'm going to look like an Olympic athlete! See.. it's all about the silver lining.

Then we proceeded to the baby store! Soo tiny these things. It's hard to imagine my own children, who are now adults, with whom I have at the very least, complicated relationships, were once my teeny tiny babies. So we shopped for Levi and the new second cousin, who I hope we're going to see shortly. Imagine we were all such tiny creatures once upon a time. You lose sight of that, lose sight of how vulnerable we all were, basically are, who am I kidding.

Now it's time for an afternoon nap, before this evenings festivities begin. We're off to a BBQ party.

Nice easy summer day. I'm grateful.

Oh, PS ... Blogger has new templates.. let me know what you think of the change....

June 10.... more babies!!!

Second cousin once removed .. is that even it? Let me start over ... Honey's cousin had a baby today! Beautiful, beautiful boy. Mom looked like she didn't even break a sweat, seriously. I saw her less than three weeks ago and really, she didn't even look all that pregnant!!! I am very, very happy for them indeed.

I had a moment today where I really missed her mom. Dear H passed away two years go February. I know her daughters missed her mightily today. We all did. When I said as much to Auntie A she said "She was with us anyway". We all carry a spirit or two around with us don't we?

I am noticing now that whenever someone close has a baby, it's really loaded for me. I wanted so badly for my mother to be there for me when my kids were born. That didn't happen. It was and is painful, more so I guess because I always saw it as her choice. It would be nice to find a way to rejoice about these babies that are coming into my life. New grandson, new second cousin, these are happy wonderful events - not sad ones.

Time to move on Heidi.

May 30 .... of babies and baths

Young Daughter posted a video of giving little Levi a bath. Of course, seeing as how I'm the grandmother, I think it's beautiful - and it is. But what is so lovely to see is how she looks at him, how she touches him, knows him, how he gazes back at her, is secure, seems even to be enjoying himself actually. I don't know that I have ever seem Young Daughter look so utterly beautiful, so at peace, so sure of what she is doing. I'm so proud of her. June 25 seems so far away at the moment. 

May 16.... The things you learn.

In the past week both my daughters have had quite a host of unusual circumstances fall upon them. Middle daughter and her work schedule bumped up against her partner's need to work out of town for a few days. She panicked, expressed her fear and worry, and called to tell her mom.

Young - not pregnant anymore - daughter, well.. that's mostly her story. For what I see as a whole host of reasons, she asked that I come down near the end of June rather than now, to meet young Levi, and to spend some time with her. The idea of me wanting to take care of her, to help her with this... seemed somehow lost on her. I don't know.

In any case.... what I am reflecting on today, and the epiphany I had .. was that in both cases my absence, -and surely there is a better way to put it - the space that my absence allowed, made room for other things. Middle daughter got to stand on her own two feet. She got the chance to prove something to herself. She got to grow up a little bit more, know herself a little bit more, handle things, be strong, make good decisions, and soothe herself. That's worth my absence if you ask me.

Young daughter, is getting the opportunity to be taken care of and not by her mother. Young son-in-law is stepping up beautifully, happily, eagerly even. It would seem these last few days seem to have solidified a somewhat tenuous relationship. The baby seems to have brought out the best in everyone around. Babies are life changing, no denying that. I can almost see how my presence might have robbed them of this.

Sometimes stepping aside and making room for life to teach your kids is the hardest damn thing you will - I have ever had to do. There is no denying I love my kids. I know they know this. I think these are the sacrifices they talk about when you get the lectures about what being a parent really means.

May 15 .... From the mouths of babes....

Hello everyone. My name is Levi James Reeves. I was born last night at 7:31 (I stand corrected - 7:34) Calgary time. My Grandma wrote about my eventual arrival a bit too early last night - or she would have been able to tell you I was here! Well, I'm a 6 pound 14 ounce boy with lots of brown hair on my head. My mom said I was very curious from the moment I stepped out - she figures this because my eyes were wide open from the moment I arrived. I keep hearing everyone say what a great job she did and I guess that's true cause here I am!

I'm glad to be here. Life is very nice at the moment. I lie on my mom, and doze off as I please. She seems tired to me so I won't be too demanding.... for now. But it sure feels good to be close to her.

I have already met my Dad who seems like an awesome guy, and I met my auntie Jenn who seems like a fun and spunky aunt. I bet her and I are going to have our fair share of adventures!!

In another few days I will meet Grandma Sylvia and Grandpa. I know that will be great for my mom. She will like the company. In not too long of a time, I will meet my Grandma Heidi. She will take good care of my mom too - I know she wishes she were already here!

Ok world, I need a nap already. What a wonderful world this seems to be, what a wonderful life I have ahead of me!

May 14.... Waiting...

Well today is the day dear people. Young grandson -young? Brand spanking new grandson is on his way out into the world as I write. I would love to say young Jackson, or Jason, or Jonathon, but truth be told.. I don't know yet what the young man's name will be. All I know is that he is on his way. I also know I am not there and it's not easy.

I got a call at my 6:00 am.... "Mommy, my water broke and we are going to the hospital."

I got a call at 7:30 am... "Mommy, I'm home, they sent me home from the hospital (????). They told me my contractions are only 4 minutes apart and I should wait for my doctor's appointment later this afternoon (???? are they crazy???)."

I got a call at what was it... 11:30 a.m. "Mommy, we're going to the hospital now!"

I got a call at 4:30, from a seemingly somewhat loopy Peanut: "Hey Mommy, I am dilated 7 cm, they gave me a nice epidural, I'm feeling good!"

I got an email at 7:31 pm "She is dilated 10cm, Baby is high and they are working on getting him down". There, I don't feel so all alone anymore.... that's where I'm at. It's 8:53 pm. Truth be told I'm worried.

And at this moment in time, it is incredibly difficult to separate past and present, my feelings about not being there and my feelings about my own mother not having been there. And those feelings get mixed up with plain old fashion worry. What's taking so long? Is everything ok? Peanut are you ok? I swear I feel you from over here. Can someone please call? Deep breath, deep breath... we have all had babies, and we will all continue to have babies, and babies will come - come hell or high water. There....

I'm going to go wait....

May 12 .... Princess Day...

So.. .while I had other plans today.... young pregnant daughter has me on the phone with her, sitting through contractions! Holy Cow! So Grandson number two on the way. Little J, grandson number one, has a loose tooth! We are already at the loose tooth stage with Little J, imagine that how much time has gone by already. I get to see him next weekend! Very excited about that.

My flight is booked to go see young pregnant daughter - sadly only at the end of June. We are in fact both thrilled I'm going. How I long to be there to welcome the new baby into the world. Alas it is not going to be. However this reaching out she is doing is wonderful.

I am chatting with middle daughter, on the phone with young pregnant daughter - I am very happy.

Ok well .. and addendum... no baby yet. My heart goes out to young pregnant daughter. These last hours can be quite the ordeal.

Hang in there girl. You're almost at the end of this. Or the beginning ...

March 23 ... The rantings of a pregnant girl ....

On the phone with young pregnant daughter (is it 32 or 33 weeks? not sure). I am grateful that I have gone through the experience of having a baby before she did, cause now I have the stamina to help her through things on the phone... stamina for things like uh... bellowing, moaning and groaning, cranky whining (she just chirped in). And all this is made totally pleasurable for me, because she likes to say "At least I know I'm doing it!"

That is worth a blog in and of itself. Some rantings:

Through the sound of a mouthful of cookies... "I gotta stop eating these cookies!!" Moan and groan... I'm roaring with laughter... she threatens to hang up and groans again.... Oh my goodness I love it.

Now she is upset cause she can't see her ribs :-).

"My dogs poop too much... it's true you pick up their poop one day... the next day you pick up seven plops. I wish I could poop 7 plops I would be so much less crabby. Just sayin'"

"Ok I'm gonna let you go and go sulk somewhere."

Hang in there lovely Peanut.

Ahhh, I'm grateful...

March 16 ... babies and daughters

Young pregnant daughter posted pics of herself on Facebook today. She is 30 weeks and counting! She looks amazing, healthy, lovely, (huge!!) ... happy, no denying her "condition" lol.

I am so very grateful for our relationship. I know I say that a lot in this blog. 21 years ago I made the choice to be a non-custodial mother. Choice is a strange word to use. I felt, and feel, that I made the best decision possible for everyone concerned. To look back now and say I could have done things differently, or I should have, is of not much use. The fact remains I made the choices I made. Those choices have had their consequences, not the least of which has been some fractious relationships with my children. But I think I can say, we have all gotten through the rough parts, skinned knees and scraped elbows to be sure... but here we all are, at the other end of it. And here we are able to share in each others' lives, happiness, sadness, children (!), relationships... I am allowed in, I am invited in, and I am very grateful. I am grateful that these relationships have persevered, and that I can live without regret for the path I took.

I gotta go, one of my girls' is calling :-)...

February 12 ... plans

Hi there. I am very excited. Honey's birthday trip to Ireland this summer is booked!!! Talk about being grateful! We will be cycling the west coast of Ireland... I have to tell you, I can hardly believe it! Much to be grateful for.

I was also chatting with my lovely youngest daughter. She is six months pregnant with her first baby - it will be a boy. She is happy and healthy, and finally, after a rough start feeling good. We were talking about plans for a visit, mine there, hers here. I can't wait. Much to be grateful for there.

Spoke to her sister. She is doing awesome, as is her son... I will shortly have two grandsons! Holy cow... when did all that happen?? Ya, Ya... Im grateful, getting old but grateful all the same! :-)

Spoke to my son, he is coming for a visit soon, we are looking forward to sharing a meal together ... I love it when the stars align for the mother in me. It's been tough - and when these moments happen when there is love and understanding going around, I truly feel blessed, and grateful.

Life is good don't ya think?

Oh and, as if all that wasn't enough, I am being courted this evening. Honey is taking me to a new, interesting restaurant. What do you call that - a Raw Bar? Oysters, crabs, and fully loaded Ceasars :-) woo hoo! I feel like a princess!!

Big, deep breath.... ahhhh... I feel very grateful. See you tomorrow!

Day 26 ... Tough Lessons...

I have been asked to reflect on my history. My history as a mother to be more specific. This in light of my daughter's impending baby - a new grandson for me. Another birth I will sadly not be a part of in a way I would like to be. Another fractured beginning - for me anyway. I've have decided, however, to be grateful for what ever it will be.

In a discussion I had today with a wise woman, I reflected on who I was when I had my kids. She kept saying "I just can not seem to connect who you were then to who you are now". "Neither can I" I replied, yet I am being held accountable for that, for who I was and choices I made, then. I remember being a somewhat chaotic, immature, desperately lonely and insecure child who yearned for family - when I had my kids. I was addicted, dysfunctional, trapped and stuck. I had no models for how to live my life, only a conviction that "this" was not how it ought to be done. At one point I remember clearly, seeing a road before me, one led to my mother's end, one led I knew not where. Who knew it would be here.

I feel sad that my daughter would reproach me for who I was then, rather than accept (would appreciate be too much to ask?) who I am now. That wise woman today remarked how she understood my leaving, understood the impossibility of me staying in that place given my propensity, absolute need even, of moving forward, learning, growing.

I am grateful for having arrived where I am. I am grateful, again, for having found a capacity for compassion, because it helps me here too. I am grateful for the wise women in my life, who help steer the boat in the stormy waters of my life, give me anchor, keep me steady. I am grateful for my strength, for staying open, and present, despite pressure to retreat, withdraw, cutoff. That would be unacceptable - it used to be a pattern, a habit, a solution. I am grateful that its not.

I love you daughter. I wish you peace.