Monday, June 14, 2010

June 14..... Family...

I'm struggling with starting this post today. I am not intending to complain, so if it sounds like that forgive me. Family is hard stuff. We don't get to pick our families. We don't get to pick the choices our family members make. We usually are pretty much affected by those choices none the less. Just a few examples: alcoholism, business decisions, life partner choices, drug addiction, divorce, religion..... you get the idea. There is a whole slew of stuff in my family - that seems to prevent us from having authentic relationships. And funny enough - that trait spans both my families, all three of my families... see it's complicated. And then there is the bubble problem I tend to have - thinking things are wonderful, lovely, loving even, when in reality they aren't really.

I found it funny (well not funny funny, funny in a weird way) that Peanut would call me today to talk about her disappointing relationship with her brother, when I just got through feeling saddened by Honey's family. Is it that we all harbour these expectations to be thought of, loved, in a way that's satisfying to us? That we want warm and dependable relationships and they aren't what's there? We want honesty and concern, unconditional love and acceptance, and that's just not there? We want to belong, be a part of, a bosom (buzum - how to spell?) of a family, yet it doesn't really exist? Buddhists teach that the thing you hang on to for security, whether it's family, love, or ego - it's not real. The security is not real. Suffering however, apparently is. That sort of sums up my feeling of family .. often. 

In terms of gratitude though, I am pleased that Peanut reached out and shared with me. We are a tiny unit her and I, and I would imagine it was her fear speaking, when she admonished me today to not mother her too much when I come for my visit. I know our relationship means much to her, as clearly it does to me. It's a precious thing, worthy of work and care. I don't want to lose it either Sweetheart. 

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