June 21 ... Happy Summer...

All first days of summer should be as glorious as today was. I was lucky - I had a late start to work - which left my morning free and clear. I went on a most amazing bike ride. Up the mountain and through the woods of Mount Royal, down through the Plateau, to Old Montreal and home again. It was the perfect temperature. It smelled absolutely wonderful on the mountain, everywhere actually. The Linden trees are in bloom - and while in a week or so I will be cursing the sap or whatever shit sprays from those trees in the middle of the summer, making the whole front of the house sticky and disgusting, when they bloom it's another story all together. It smells fantastic around here. The mountain smelled of the country and while I got weepy for only a second or two - I felt ever grateful for the morning I was having. A lot of smiling on my face today.

June 20 ... the day after...

Howdy. I need to share what a great time I had last night. We had a record turn out at the Lane Party - how I know is because I collect the dough to pay for the lamb - and I collected more than ever before. It was, quite possibly, the very best meshwi we ever had. Delish. The people were fun, my friends were great, and I didn't get drunk. You know there might be a problem lurking in the background, when people show up at around 6 pm and are saying stuff like "Wow Heidi, it's 6 pm and you're not trashed yet!" or ..."Hey Heidi, it's 8 pm and you're still here! Wonderful!".  I actually got those comments last night - and truth be told they felt not good. (You need to know that the meshwi starts at around two in the afternoon, at which point the chef and sous-chef (I'm the sous-chef) usually starting cooking other things on the grill as well, and start with a bit of Ouzo .. it can and has gone down hill from there once or twice!).

Being the daughter of an alcoholic, drinking is always a loaded thing for me. I'm afraid of it ... until I start doing it, then I decide everything is fine. I learned last night that practicing restraint is not impossible, it is ok, and I feel a lot better today for it I tell you. It's horrible having that skeleton in my closet to tell the truth. It always makes me weigh and judge my behavior - probably, often, too harshly. And then the pendulum swings, and I don't respect the skeleton enough - apparently like at other lane parties. It's never, ever, a non-issue for me. There is always stuff to reflect on isn't there?

I had a great time. I got to take responsibility for my actions. I'm glad for it.

June 19 ... Lane Party!

Every year, the responsibility is bestowed on me, and I guess I accept, to organize my neighbourhood community for a "Lane Party". We have a lamb meschui - lamb roasted on a spit. We get to have that because one of the neighbours is Greek - and they always do Greek Easter with a lamb on a spit. A few years ago we all decided that we would chip in and have that for our lane party - and we have been doing it ever since. The neighbourhood consists of the houses on either side that border our lane out back. It's perfect. Our lane is constructed so that it is closed at either end and there is never any car traffic.

As I write - the men are putting up tarps - as it seems a thunder shower later is inevitable. They have created an amazing tent city before - we use tarp, swimming pool liners, (yes, yes), out door gazebo type structures.. and by the beginning of the evening it all comes together to house up to 35 adults and a bunch of kids, and many tables laden with food and wine - and there you go .. we have an awesome evening, always.

I have to go .. the Greeks are starting up the grill... and we always have a smaller, more private, lunch party ... let the fun begin!

Happy Summer everyone.

June 18 .... in the midst of a storm...

Sometimes, when I'm "supposed" to write my blog post, I'm in the middle of stuff - it could be a funky mood, a dinner with friends, or a fight with Honey. Writing always seems kind of surreal at those times because I'm not really tuned in to either - in this case the fight, Honey, or the blog. And I am not sure at a moment like this what I feel grateful for.

I had a great day. Interesting politics, good work, awesome gardening, a lovely 5 a 7 with friends, and then a difficult, uncomfortable evening with Honey.

I remember learning, and then teaching, with regard to self-esteem, that people sometimes have the bad "habit" of making "everything" bad when it's only been a small part - for example, doing poorly on a test, does NOT mean you don't understand ANYTHING; not getting ONE job, does not mean you're a complete career failure; having one fight, does not make the whole relationship shit; having a few bad months does not flush 20 years down the toilet....

Sometimes, life is hard .... and you know what, sometimes, it's not. That is in fact, something to be grateful for.

June 17 .... Welcome Little Souls...

I witnessed an ancient, Jewish ritual today. I went to watch a little boy get circumcised. It was my first time meeting Little Henry, hearing his name, which was chosen to honour the memory of his late Grandmother Helen. Helen would have been a Bubby. Her presence was felt, undeniable, comforting.

Oh my God Henry is beautiful. His head fit into the cup of my hand. He has a shock of hair that is in fact, shocking! A perfect nose, a perfect face. So beautiful - and looks just like his dad. It was emotional, and wonderful, and sad, and joyful. I feel blessed to be a part of this family. I feel blessed with this new addition on Honey's side. Little Henry is bringing a lot of joy to this family.

That being said, I CAN'T WAIT to see Levi!! Next Friday! He will get a tummy rub from Grandma Heidi for sure. I can't wait to hold him, soothe him, truth be told, be soothed by him. I can't wait to see my daughter, the young woman now - she's a mother. Much feeling and emotion today. Much blessing.

Welcome little Souls.

June 16 ...Consciousness.. Progress....

I remember when I was young, most of my energy was focused on raging. No matter what was going on I would shout out "You have hurt me! You are wrong!! You are unfair! You are not well!" Like that. I would go on and on. As years went by, for some reason I shut down. I remember in university - I was about 30 something, I was sitting in a circle of about 40 or so people. Two people on either side of me started a conflict. I froze, couldn't speak, blanked out ... the teacher (thank you M, I don't know if you remember this) caught it and called me on it, taught me to recognize it, guided me toward empowering myself. Well I did.

As things go, the pendulum swung the opposite way - so that I was all about raging again but in a more adult way. What that looked like was me speaking before thinking, jumping up at injustices, not picking my battles. A wonderful example of this was when I was an admissions counsellor at Concordia. I was in a meeting with other counsellors - some who represented the John Molson School of Business. In the meeting Maria said "John Molson decided that they were going to cut the grades off at B+" .. to which I jumped up and shouted emphatically "John Molson is dead!!!" - and Maria with all the serenity of a monk responded, "The school Heidi, not the man." I actually had to leave the meeting because I could not contain my laughter. At least I can laugh at myself!!!

 Lately, with the group I am involved in, I have been challenged, both in my role in this group, as well as on an interpersonal level. The "old me" would charge in, name a wrong, stir up shit I guess, think I was doing good - and probably had the intention of doing so - but chaotic, un-thought out action rarely results in much good. Oh my how far I have come. Instead, I am learning, making connections, checking for support and happily finding it, planning for the next time, being patient. I feel kind of grown up. I feel safe. I feel empowered. I feel conscious. On Oprah today, she was telling a woman you are not conscious, you are not aware of your impact on your environment - whether your kids, husband or yourself. You have to live consciously and with intent. I'm there I think.

June 15 ... Abundance....

Sometimes I come to this blog knowing what it is I'm grateful for. Sometimes, I come with a story in my head, and wonder, how do I shine the light of gratitude on this? Sometimes, I feel miserable, and I write about that and in doing so something shifts, I recognize the gift in the moment, and I'm grateful. Sometimes, like right now, I come to the blog contented, at peace, centered even, happy with the weather, the gardening I did this morning, the state of my tomato plants, the meal I just had that Honey cooked for me, the day of work which was great, the potential for growth in that area, the walks to and from the office, the video that was posted of my grandson, the contact from my daughter .... There is abundance in my life.