February 28 .... authenticity

Today, I find myself struggling with authenticity. Especially here. I got some wonderful and valuable feedback about what I share in this space from several of you. What I have heard has been echoing my own sentiments. So I'm conflicted, but I'm learning. My intention was to reflect on gratitude, daily, for a year. Because I am stubborn, I will hold myself to this task. But maybe the "task" is not to necessarily "be" grateful - so I don't have to make stuff up, or pretend that I'm grateful for I don't know - let's say an Olympic Gold in Hockey... that's not what I want to be grateful for. Am I making any sense? The task is to reflect .. and if that reflection doesn't bring up something I might find myself grateful for .. well that says something in and of itself, doesn't it?

So with an open, honest heart I say to you... I am really grateful for the connections and relationships I have where the people that love me are open, honest, invested in me and I in them. That we can exchange without threat or malice, instead with love and good intention, with a wish for growth. That we can offer each other the room to be different one from the other and appreciate that, and learn from it. That's why I'm here. That's why I'm here here - in this marriage, in these friendships, in this blog.

February 27 ... learning..

Good Saturday to you.

At the clay atelier today I struggled. The process of making those lampions is complicated. I remembered I had a lamp in the basement. It's a conical thing - and I was able to remove the orange cylinder and thereby have a stand (!) for a porcelain lampion should I succeed in making one - that large. When I do it will be amazing - because the stand comes with the contraption that holds a light bulb.. so the lampion will become a lamp shade. Well, I can tell you I didn't succeed today. I saw the whole thing buckling by the time I left. However.. all that being said... I sure did learn a lot about the process today. Christiane, the atelier "den-mother", was teaching a new student, which made her not available for my whining and questioning. I had to figure things out. And while I didn't during the process I believe I have got it now. All that struggling resulted in something good. I am grateful. I am also very excited about my next time at the atelier. Bring it on!

After the session, Christiane and I sat and talked for a while. I have mentioned before how grateful I am for our friendship. It's easy to share with her, easy to listen, easy to love. Much gratitude.

February 26 ... TGIF and Life

Hi everyone. Happy Friday. While my week was not stressful at all, and I am feeling content and happy, I still like the feeling of a Friday night. We're having fresh pasta and a nice little bottle of red tonight... how about you?

I'm grateful. Why? Well I'm glad you asked. I'm reflecting on my gratitude because this Friday night dinner thing with Honey is now twenty years old and you know what, I still look forward to it. Nice chillin' music, nice meal, time to connect, tonight will probably involve more Olympics, but it will all be niceness. After twenty years. I'm really grateful.

I remember when I started this blog. A friend of mine wrote - considering the very real alternative, being alive is something to be grateful for - something like that. What I take from that is I ought to be grateful to be alive. Well ya. And in thinking about that today I thought.. geez do you ever really contemplate that? Contemplate being grateful to be alive. Grateful for life. It seems so big of a thing to be grateful for. Seems so obvious, but when you think about that what do you come up with? I don't know if I'm making any sense. It seems almost flippant - ya ya I'm grateful I'm alive - but what might "being" grateful that you're alive be like? How does that express itself? I would imagine it (the gratitude for life) expresses itself in me really living my life. Being present to it. Not being complacent. Appreciating and noticing. Noticing the smell and colour and texture of life. Living with gratitude. Living gratefully. Sounds simple enough. Try it.

February 25 .. all good things..

Hi peeps!! How goes? Grateful? Of course you are!!!

I am having one of those "happy" days. I love those. I wake up happy (and in no pain!!! God Bless hormones!!), I like Honey, he likes me, work is great, work is fun, and on it goes. I wish I could bottle this energy, this mood, this feeling of vitality and comfort and ease.

A client of mine said to me today, you seem like someone who doesn't want for anything, you seem content, happy, not stressed. Wow! That's all I have to say. I should probably "interpret" that! But I was "pegged", cause you know what, that's it, that's how I feel today.

I am always grateful when I have days like this. I guess maybe the last two years - which have been peak perimenopausal years and about as much fun as having root canal EVERY BLOODY DAY - have taught me how to appreciate, really appreciate, when things are going well. Most people probably take a good night sleep for granted .. not me!!! No sir! It seems easy to find things to be grateful for when you feel well. You always hear "old people" saying "You have to take care of your health, without your health you have nothing". Ever hear anyone say that? Sure you have. Well, either I am one of those "old people" now, or like I said, my last two years have taught me a valuable lesson.

Today, I am grateful for sleep, wellness, my back pain being virtually gone, my experience of joy and calmness today, how I feel content, satisfied, successful. How I feel the gratitude I am cultivating.

Life is good folks! What are you grateful for?

February 24 ... Princess Wednesdays and then some

Princess Wednesday everyone!! What are you doing to pamper yourself today? What are you doing for YOU?

So far today I have had a great workout with trainer-dude. One session more and our relationship is over and my fitness becomes fully my responsibility! Well I'm proud of what I have done with him so far. I am very grateful that my back and body cooperated today. I feel great. No pain. Always lots of gratitude around that. I swam for 20 minutes too and that always feels great.

On a different note, we're at that point in the winter where most of the time our response to another snowfall is usually a swear word, or ugh, or something not happy sounding. But I tell you, I am looking out my window as I write and it's just soooo pretty. It's hard to feel anything but appreciative for it. There is something about stopping and admiring nature that always makes me feel happy, connected, grateful.

And finally, for today, young pregnant daughter reached out last night, told me she had been reading my blog, said it was good to be understanding me better. She had an emotional reaction to the essays posted on the Writing Blog. She said she would be interested in reading more. I'm at once elated, thankful, yes of course grateful; and afraid, hesitant, fearful of our very delicate and shaky bond. My interpretation. I can only hope and pray we're able to stay open, continue talking, continue healing, continue learning about each other, continue maybe forgiving, or accepting, or maybe both. I'm grateful that all this possibility exists. I love you daughter. And I am ever so very grateful for your presence in my life. Always have been.

Warm heart to you all.

February 23 ... the smarts

So here I am... February 23, I have been blogging for 53 days now!

At the moment I am deep into concentrating on this database project I have returned to, using Access. I love challenging myself to learn new things. I love coming up against my stubborn streak - I have a huge manual on my lap (thank you Honey) .. yet I will still "waste" tons of time "trying" different things before "giving up", reading the book, and doing it right! But it's fun!!

I am really grateful for how smart I am. I was well into my twenties before I understood that. Sadly, up until then I was always told the contrary. Europeans have a terrible and grating way of using the word "idiot" - "eejut" ... when that is what you are called, you grow up thinking a certain way about yourself. Well I can tell you all, that is one thing I have certainly overcome! I love how smart I am, love using my brain, am a learning junkie.. and all because to me it's fun. It's fun to solve problems, it's fun to learn something new... my last official class was neuropsychobiology ... (I think) .. fascinating!!! And I love that about my profession, that it is an actual requirement that I continue learning. Yay me!

Ok .. back to understanding how to create relationships between database tables... yikes!

I am grateful, I feel grateful.... how about you? What are you grateful for today?

Oh big PS... Clapton and Beck were terrific!!! My favourites were Moon River (believe it or not!!) and Puccini's Nessun Dorma (believe it or not - crazy!!!).

February 22... in case I don't get back in time...

I don't plan on missing a single day of being grateful and sharing it with you...

So I just got home, am real grateful that my dinner is ready cause I gotta eat fast...

Running out the door to go see Eric Clapton tonight!!! On the floor!!! Close to the man himself!!

Hell ya I'm grateful!!!!

If I get back early enough... I'll write again...

Otherwise, please note, my gratitude is here... sincere... and real!