April 11 ... Life 101

As I sit here this Sunday evening reflecting on gratitude, I have to be honest and say I'm having a hard time. I don't know if it's vacation brain, or work brain refusing to get on board, which ever, there is a certain sense of melancholy today, a sluggishness, how can I be so tired after a holiday? I mean come on.

This is my 101th post. Imagine that. I'm proud of that. Proud of the consistency. Proud of the perseverance. And yes, there are times like today that I struggle. I don't feel I have anything "good" to say, anything meaningful. How can that be?

And it's at those times I think of my wise teacher Mia. In her feedback to me about my writing here said, it's not always about the big moments, the big emotions, it can be about a favourite blouse, or something that brought a smile to your face. And this I can respond to...

This morning when I got up, after a truly perfect night sleep - 11 pm to 7 am and not one wake up (how on earth can I be struggling for something to be grateful for!!! Maybe it's just a memory issue???) I got up first and had a moment or two alone while making my coffee. I stared out my kitchen window, looking at the world. In the time we were away, the trees have all started budding, there is a lovely green blush to the mass of trees out back, it's beautiful. My Spring garden is growing strong and holy cow even my Clematises are blooming! I felt very grateful for all that, to have noticed, to have taken the time to step out back and enjoy.

Well there you go - and you know what, I feel better now than I did when I started writing a few moments ago! So gratitude begets gratitude.

Thank you teacher for the many lessons you have handed to me... I am always grateful for that.

March 15 .... Our children

My dear friend has been suffering. Her son is addicted, doesn't matter much to what as it's all about chaos, manipulation, and sadly, enabling. I have been trying to support my friend, but again, in all these cases, the choice to change has to come from within right? I learned my lesson, and ever so happily so did middle daughter. My friend seems caught up in her own drama, about how to draw the line between her pain and her son's, her responsibility and her son's, her choices and her son's.

I remember in the beginning of our story, mine and my daughter's, I believed that what I was supposed to do was leave Honey and my son behind, and rent out an apartment to live out my daughter's adolescence. A wise social worker asked if I was joking. But the truth is, that's sometimes how far we think we have to go. The line between how I can "help", and how I can "hinder" is a very fine line indeed.

I want my daughter to know how grateful I am for the relationship we have. She echoed those sentiments herself yesterday. My friend had called her, to talk to "someone who's been there". My daughter was helpful, sympathetic, grateful for the "help" she got from me - which sure doesn't look like help in the way you would expect it. She told my friend she needed to say no, cut the ties, stop making excuses, stop giving her son a way out. My daughter was direct and honest - and caring. I really am so proud of her.

My gratitude goes out to you today Holly. You make me proud. I'm so excited for the road you have ahead of you.

March 5 ... Lots of stuff

Hi there. My day started kind of funky. Honey and I are still trying to navigate difficult issues .. about money, those dialogues never, ever being easy. So I wasn't happy when I left the house. I wasn't happy after my client. Then I went to get my hair taken care of, and ahhhh .. there itwas, that lovely breath of fresh air that is Spiro, one of the most beautiful and lovely 25 year old souls I know. 25 people! When I saw her she said "Hey, it's not Wednesday" - Princess Day remember?. I'm thrilled that little rituals I have started in my blog are being carried on by others, remembered, honoured.... it's amazing.

Spiro and I always laugh a lot together. I wonder what my hair would look like if we didn't. Anyway, we always share stories and today was no exception. So I tell her about some of the happenings at Honey's party. I tell her about my not being happy today. She tells me about her stuff, in particular about her Honey. Her husband received underwear as a gift from his mom on his birthday. Eeek I said, we laughed. How old is he?? 30!!! We're roaring... Honestly, I have to check my hair tomorrow - how can you laugh so hard and cut hair at the same time. I am grateful for the real honest to goodness fun I have with her. I always feel better after seeing her. I want her to know I am grateful for what it is she brings to me when I see her. Thank you Dear Girl. You are one beautiful soul.

I had a lovely chat with young pregnant daughter. She is doing really well, the pregnancy having eased up on her. She asked what I was doing today, I told her going to the hair salon, she replied "It's not Wednesday Ma", I said "It's ok, I'm expanding" .... there is that pebble in the pond again if you ask me. Makes me happy, makes me feel grateful. Lately, young pregnant daughter has been paying attention, acknowledging my presence, showing interest, ... it's nice. It's nice for things to be reciprocal. I need her to know I am appreciative and grateful for her stepping up to the plate in our relationship. I love it. I am very grateful.

And finally, we had dinner with the lovely Mooka folks. I cooked a spectacular dinner. Everything came out perfect, perfectly delicious, perfectly beautiful. I am proud of myself. I am very grateful for the company I had. These lovely people have invited us down south for a week, that's coming up soon, and yes, I am grateful!

So there you have it, despite a rough start, a lovely day and evening all in all. Niceness.

I'm full of gratitude.

February 28 .... authenticity

Today, I find myself struggling with authenticity. Especially here. I got some wonderful and valuable feedback about what I share in this space from several of you. What I have heard has been echoing my own sentiments. So I'm conflicted, but I'm learning. My intention was to reflect on gratitude, daily, for a year. Because I am stubborn, I will hold myself to this task. But maybe the "task" is not to necessarily "be" grateful - so I don't have to make stuff up, or pretend that I'm grateful for I don't know - let's say an Olympic Gold in Hockey... that's not what I want to be grateful for. Am I making any sense? The task is to reflect .. and if that reflection doesn't bring up something I might find myself grateful for .. well that says something in and of itself, doesn't it?

So with an open, honest heart I say to you... I am really grateful for the connections and relationships I have where the people that love me are open, honest, invested in me and I in them. That we can exchange without threat or malice, instead with love and good intention, with a wish for growth. That we can offer each other the room to be different one from the other and appreciate that, and learn from it. That's why I'm here. That's why I'm here here - in this marriage, in these friendships, in this blog.

February 26 ... TGIF and Life

Hi everyone. Happy Friday. While my week was not stressful at all, and I am feeling content and happy, I still like the feeling of a Friday night. We're having fresh pasta and a nice little bottle of red tonight... how about you?

I'm grateful. Why? Well I'm glad you asked. I'm reflecting on my gratitude because this Friday night dinner thing with Honey is now twenty years old and you know what, I still look forward to it. Nice chillin' music, nice meal, time to connect, tonight will probably involve more Olympics, but it will all be niceness. After twenty years. I'm really grateful.

I remember when I started this blog. A friend of mine wrote - considering the very real alternative, being alive is something to be grateful for - something like that. What I take from that is I ought to be grateful to be alive. Well ya. And in thinking about that today I thought.. geez do you ever really contemplate that? Contemplate being grateful to be alive. Grateful for life. It seems so big of a thing to be grateful for. Seems so obvious, but when you think about that what do you come up with? I don't know if I'm making any sense. It seems almost flippant - ya ya I'm grateful I'm alive - but what might "being" grateful that you're alive be like? How does that express itself? I would imagine it (the gratitude for life) expresses itself in me really living my life. Being present to it. Not being complacent. Appreciating and noticing. Noticing the smell and colour and texture of life. Living with gratitude. Living gratefully. Sounds simple enough. Try it.

February 25 .. all good things..

Hi peeps!! How goes? Grateful? Of course you are!!!

I am having one of those "happy" days. I love those. I wake up happy (and in no pain!!! God Bless hormones!!), I like Honey, he likes me, work is great, work is fun, and on it goes. I wish I could bottle this energy, this mood, this feeling of vitality and comfort and ease.

A client of mine said to me today, you seem like someone who doesn't want for anything, you seem content, happy, not stressed. Wow! That's all I have to say. I should probably "interpret" that! But I was "pegged", cause you know what, that's it, that's how I feel today.

I am always grateful when I have days like this. I guess maybe the last two years - which have been peak perimenopausal years and about as much fun as having root canal EVERY BLOODY DAY - have taught me how to appreciate, really appreciate, when things are going well. Most people probably take a good night sleep for granted .. not me!!! No sir! It seems easy to find things to be grateful for when you feel well. You always hear "old people" saying "You have to take care of your health, without your health you have nothing". Ever hear anyone say that? Sure you have. Well, either I am one of those "old people" now, or like I said, my last two years have taught me a valuable lesson.

Today, I am grateful for sleep, wellness, my back pain being virtually gone, my experience of joy and calmness today, how I feel content, satisfied, successful. How I feel the gratitude I am cultivating.

Life is good folks! What are you grateful for?

February 24 ... Princess Wednesdays and then some

Princess Wednesday everyone!! What are you doing to pamper yourself today? What are you doing for YOU?

So far today I have had a great workout with trainer-dude. One session more and our relationship is over and my fitness becomes fully my responsibility! Well I'm proud of what I have done with him so far. I am very grateful that my back and body cooperated today. I feel great. No pain. Always lots of gratitude around that. I swam for 20 minutes too and that always feels great.

On a different note, we're at that point in the winter where most of the time our response to another snowfall is usually a swear word, or ugh, or something not happy sounding. But I tell you, I am looking out my window as I write and it's just soooo pretty. It's hard to feel anything but appreciative for it. There is something about stopping and admiring nature that always makes me feel happy, connected, grateful.

And finally, for today, young pregnant daughter reached out last night, told me she had been reading my blog, said it was good to be understanding me better. She had an emotional reaction to the essays posted on the Writing Blog. She said she would be interested in reading more. I'm at once elated, thankful, yes of course grateful; and afraid, hesitant, fearful of our very delicate and shaky bond. My interpretation. I can only hope and pray we're able to stay open, continue talking, continue healing, continue learning about each other, continue maybe forgiving, or accepting, or maybe both. I'm grateful that all this possibility exists. I love you daughter. And I am ever so very grateful for your presence in my life. Always have been.

Warm heart to you all.

February 20 .. Some days everything is funny!

Hi lovely people. How are you today? Joyful? Grateful? I'm all that today...

As a new blogger, I have been reading other blogs - I use the "dashboard" and check out the "Blogs of Note" .. and I have found some pretty good and funny ones. Some people have some darned funny stuff to say.

Have a peek at Erin O'Brien's blog.. while she is very funny, her followers post some of the funniest stuff around... http://erin-obrien.blogspot.com/2010/02/comments-fielded-by-large-breasted.html ... go read... I had a major howl this morning.

Another very funny writer: http://volcanicensemble.blogspot.com/. That's all I will regale you with today.

I have had a lovely morning with Honey. We have been laughing a lot. I love days like that! So here we were moments ago, me downstairs blogging, he upstairs in his office... he was on Facebook - and here we were chatting! Too funny.

I see my daughter on line, I want to say Hola! Instead it comes out Hole! Hope she's not offended! :-)...

I am grateful for joyfulness, humour, a hearty laugh. If you have something funny to share - do so! You will feel better, and your gift will grow!

Happy day everyone!

Happy Birthday to my awesome niece Victoria!!!! xoxo

February 19 ... Shit Happens...

Hi. Are you pondering what there is to be grateful for? I like thinking about it... it makes the "bad" stuff not so bad.

So I wonder what I looked like yesterday, as I excitedly decided I had time to go for a swim, putting away the book I was reading, and on my way downstairs, slipping on the top stair, careening down, and landing on my duff at the bottom. Startled? Surprised? Angry? I don't know... I then crawled to the phone, called Honey, and bawled like a baby for about ten minutes. Some days are like that I guess.. you need to bawl after something happens. I am grateful I give myself the room to do that. I really am.

And today I am really, really very grateful that it's nothing more than a sore bum cheek. And a sore baby toe. Believe me, I know it could have been much, much worse, given the acrobatics I performed on my way down. So yes, gratitude.

I am also finding reason to be grateful that my work is waxing and waning... the profession that I am in has a tendency to work according to feast or famine principles, and since it is all about dealing with human beings and their emotional and psychological states, there can be absolutely nothing predictable in the managing of such a business. So some weeks you have them lining up at the door, and some weeks there is no one at the door! This is not a business for the faint of heart. And while I could (and used to!) spend my time bemoaning the temporary drop, or feeding into the negative thoughts that sometimes accompany the anxiety - those voices that say aha! see! you do NOT have a viable business - I say to those thoughts.. up yours, yes I do. And I am learning to take advantage of these periods of rest, to appreciate what the therapy Gods are sending my way. I am developing a discipline to use this time to build.. not to moan or worry or fret. And the building begets an inviting energy, begets a belief in myself and the work that I do, and the viability of my business.

I am really very full of gratitude today. How about you?

February 14 .... Motherhood...

Motherhood... my day today has revolved around motherhood. My dearest friend, a mother, is suffering. She is worried sick, scared, sad ... she feels that no one is listening. Another young woman I know, soon to be a mother, is not feeling very good. She is worried sick, scared, sad ... she feels no one is listening. While the two are a generation apart .. neither know what lies down the road. Neither feel secure. Neither are finding any gratitude in their circumstance .. today.

I have had my turn with that. At the moment, I worry about my youngest, pregnant daughter, and really, just because that's what mothers do right?, worry about their young, pregnant daughters.

I know of another mother, her son has moved away, far away, I think in a bid to establish his autonomy and independence. It certainly is time for him to do that - anyone outside the drama would say so. Yet mother is sad, clinging, trying to induce feelings of guilt in her son whether she knows it or not, because the pain of separation for her is so great. And sadly, if she actually knew what she was inflicting on her son, she would feel horrible. But that's part of the drama isn't it? Some mothers want their kids to stay around. For some of us, the relationships with our children are front and centre, and we somehow, sometimes, expect it to be the same for them - that their relationship with us is front and centre. But it can't be. Right? It just can't be that way. And that, for many a mother, is a terribly bitter pill to swallow. For some of us, separation seems impossible. If only we understood how necessary it was.

But motherhood is not only about worry and separation. I am glad to report my kids for the most part are thriving. While they have taken up their share of the worry pie, I get to relax, not have a nagging worry about them, not lose sleep, know that they are strong individuals now, capable of making choices they can benefit from. I am actually quite grateful for that.

I am grateful that my youngest avails herself of her mother's ability to listen. I am grateful my middle girl is writing our history - my memory needs the help! I am grateful that my son believes our relationship important and cherishes it.

My mother-in-law today, brought us (the kids :-)) soup and lasagna. What a treat!

Much gratitude can be found in motherhood... I am grateful.

February 11.... Lunch and stuff

Hi there. Today will be short and sweet.

It was a glorious day. I'm grateful! My work schedule today permitted me to come home for a two hour lunch break. I made a great, really great, salad - chick peas, lettuce, pear, yellow tomatoes, red peppers.. sounds awesome doesn't it? - and had a totally lovely lunch with Honey, who worked from home today.

Even better was that I walked to and from the office today - it's February 11 and Mother Nature is teasing us big time with this Spring-like seduction of hers! I've been wearing shoes!!! For days!!! Yes Ma'am I am grateful!

I am also grateful that while I trained really hard yesterday, today wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be! Which is very motivating. And .. I slept like a baby!

I am grateful and happy... how about you? What are you grateful for today?

February 7 ... Dialogues between daughters and mothers.....

Before I begin... what a great day! Beautiful blue skies, wonderful walk on the mountain again! An intense swim at the gym, a delicious soak in the tub... and soon a lovely pasta dinner. As if that wasn't enough to be grateful for ....

I know I have already mentioned the fact that my middle child wants to write a book with me. At the moment the working title is: How we got here: Dialogues between a mother and daughter. As part of this project we are mailing "letters" to each other, letters from our perspectives "then" and "now". My daughter worries she will offend me, hurt me .. when I want her to know .. nothing could be more freeing, more inspiring, than how we are sharing our real stories. If this idea ends up only flowering between her and I, it will be a gift beyond all gifts.

My daughter, determined to follow in my foot steps, has travelled a hard road. I have prayed and hoped and waited .. and voila, here she is. And voila, here I am ready to be with her. What a joy. What a wonderful gift. What gratitude!

Going forward, we will probably be sharing some of this writing so stay tuned.

I'm grateful for the journey we have had. We are both strong women now. We understand each other. We can openly love each other, disagree, agree, play, question, revisit our past to help each other heal! Much to be grateful for.

February 6 ... good Saturdays...

Yum, yum, yum. I love these kinds of Saturdays.... got up at nine!!! Can you imagine, not only do I not suffer from insomnia, but I am getting up at nine, delish! Had a perfect Mooka coffee, two of them actually. Honey and I went for a great walk on the mountain. It's brilliantly beautiful today, blue skies, not too terribly frigid, and just lovely. We came home and had a nice lunch. Then we went shopping at HMV. Honey got a number of gift cards for his birthday (big Thank you shout out!!) and we went and cashed in. What a treat!

Week-ends are nice for what you don't have to think about - don't you think? You can let go of work worries, bill worries, even couple worries. You can chill, relax, make like those things are not there. And now we'll indulge in some music and nice times, gentleness... are we getting old? Geez, are we? I don't think so... ah, who cares.. with the week we had, we can be gentle and relaxed! I say so!

I'm watching Honey unwrap the CD's :-) .. he looks like he's having fun. Kid in a candy store...

I'm grateful. Are you?