Thursday, March 11, 2010

March 11... a break..

So after howling things out last night, I am feeling calmer maybe. Not as revved up on anxiety. Certainly my back cooperated today, thank you physio-girl. Big shout out of gratitude right there. I could stop here and the gratitude for my back being ok would be enough... but I have more to say.

This time of transition and uncertainty is taxing, on both of us, and as hard as it gets, as loud as it gets, we always stay the course, we always listen, we always find each other. I'm grateful for that. Sometimes, I feel great shame in being afraid, not having faith, temporarily losing my ability to believe, stand up for, be there... I feel a lot of shame when I pass through that fire, come out the other end, and say oh yes, hold on, it's my job, my life's work to stand by you, is it not? What was I thinking? I'm sorry. Sometimes I think this shame is what cranks the volume up as well, on both sides. I know the fear does. It's all so complex and multi-layered isn't it?

And yet, despite this fear and shame, in spite of it maybe, there is love, corny as that may sound, there it is. It - the love - is what keeps us on course, keeps us trying to deflate the anxiety, keeps us reminding each other why we do what we do, why we are who we are, why we stand by each other. I am grateful for that love.

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