Monday, May 10, 2010

May 10 ... more understanding...

So I can't just have a post like yesterday and not do some serious reflecting. My kids teach me something everyday. Middle daughter especially - called me a drama queen (ish) and gently reminded me I take things too personally, when they aren't meant to be taken at all. Coming from her that's funny, endearing, loving. I'm grateful we can talk the way we do now. Young pregnant daughter too, patient, kind, understanding that it's not about her.

I had an epiphany in the shower this morning. Remember that yesterday I felt very twirled up in these different facets of motherhood - my own, my mother`s, my daughters`experience of their mother (me) and themselves as mothers.... goes kind of round and round .. but I digress. So back to the shower ... that it occurred to me that this overwhelming insecurity I sometimes feel in relation to my kids belonged more to my mother than to me. That it was a model I had learned from her. And no of course I am not looking to blame - not at all. Its a function of context for me. I seek understanding. This model tells me that I should expect to be hurt, expect abandonment I guess, I wonder how much of that I have passed on.

I remember once a friend talking to me about her daughter. I was sharing my worries about my kids pursuing their education. She said she didn't understand that somehow, that with her daughter it was just understood she was going on in academia. I would imagine too, for many, it's just understood you love your kids and your kids love you. It just is. I suppose that due to the many different choices I have made as a mother I have not taken that understanding for granted, doubted it even. Maybe it's time to change that, make my own model and share that with my kids.

There is no hiding that motherhood is an extremely loaded issue for me. It's a long road to where you want to be. I'm grateful for the company I have here....

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