Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Day 26 ... Tough Lessons...

I have been asked to reflect on my history. My history as a mother to be more specific. This in light of my daughter's impending baby - a new grandson for me. Another birth I will sadly not be a part of in a way I would like to be. Another fractured beginning - for me anyway. I've have decided, however, to be grateful for what ever it will be.

In a discussion I had today with a wise woman, I reflected on who I was when I had my kids. She kept saying "I just can not seem to connect who you were then to who you are now". "Neither can I" I replied, yet I am being held accountable for that, for who I was and choices I made, then. I remember being a somewhat chaotic, immature, desperately lonely and insecure child who yearned for family - when I had my kids. I was addicted, dysfunctional, trapped and stuck. I had no models for how to live my life, only a conviction that "this" was not how it ought to be done. At one point I remember clearly, seeing a road before me, one led to my mother's end, one led I knew not where. Who knew it would be here.

I feel sad that my daughter would reproach me for who I was then, rather than accept (would appreciate be too much to ask?) who I am now. That wise woman today remarked how she understood my leaving, understood the impossibility of me staying in that place given my propensity, absolute need even, of moving forward, learning, growing.

I am grateful for having arrived where I am. I am grateful, again, for having found a capacity for compassion, because it helps me here too. I am grateful for the wise women in my life, who help steer the boat in the stormy waters of my life, give me anchor, keep me steady. I am grateful for my strength, for staying open, and present, despite pressure to retreat, withdraw, cutoff. That would be unacceptable - it used to be a pattern, a habit, a solution. I am grateful that its not.

I love you daughter. I wish you peace.

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