Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Day 20 ... The Shape of Things...

So here's the deal. For over a year now I have been dealing with chronic, unrelenting back pain. It's a pain in the ass as well as the back. Apparently I have a pelvic structure with a mind of it's own. It thinks it should turn this way, when the rest of my body insists it turn that way. So what to do. I went through periods of using anti-inflammatory meds, muscle relaxants, plain old pain killers. On my more desperate days I tried some kind of crazy narcotic thing that was prescribed for migraines (I did this once) and really, all to absolutely no avail. At my lowest point, not too long ago as a matter of fact, I actually understood how someone would consider suicide as an option to dealing with chronic pain. It's debilitating and depressing, has a tendency to leave you feeling completely helpless and powerless to change.

I had gone to a number of physiotherapists, doctors, chiro's.. on and on. And the message kept coming back, you have to exercise! Well in December, for what ever reason, I got it. My gynecologist of all people said, sounds like you have to exercise, strengthen that pelvic floor of yours. Something hit home this time. I mean geez, even the gynecologist?? Ok ... and I had this epiphany that my back was MY responsibility. Seems obvious now ... but I kept looking for something or someone else to fix my back - when the solution was me all along. Funny how that realization evaded me for so long... ah well.

So I hired a trainer. I felt I needed the kick in the behind so to speak to get going. Well Massimo comes every Wednesday morning, and every time he leaves I feel kicked in the behind! Gaad.. and every Thursday morning I can barely move my behind!

But I'm grateful! I am getting stronger! My back is a ton better - not perfect but definitely better! I'm strong and flexible and grateful that I can do this. Our bodies are a precious commodity. I mean without them .. we're all souls and other dimensions right? I'm not ready for that. I want to hang on to the motivation to do this. It's a fine thread... it's tough. It's tough to put yourself first. It's astounding to me how easy it is to fill up my schedule with other stuff besides what I need to do for myself.

I'm grateful that I am learning how to take better care of me. I am grateful my body is cooperating.

Now, for that soak in the tub!

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