Wednesday, February 3, 2010

February 3 .... I dreamed a dream

Man... what a brutal week it's been so far. Things are not turning out as planned. This is creating a huge amount of anxiety. When that happens, no one talks, no one listens, no one understands. You really see the human being at their most basic, animal instinct - vicious, mean, hurting, self-protective, bloody awful. And what about those other feelings: disappointment, shame, guilt, sadness, self-reproach, as though the hammering one gives one's self isn't enough, your own psyche pummeling you - you add your voice to your loved one's melee of recrimination, even though you know how utterly unnecessary it is.

What do you do when you have a dream, an idea you believe in so strongly you believe it to be more or less infallible, a passion to create something? What do you do with that? Do you pursue it regardless of cost? How do you know when to stop pursuing? How do you figure that kind of stuff out? How much of a try is enough? What do you do with that dream once you come to the realization that things might not work? Do you stop? Is that when you push through the "tough times"? Do you put it on hold? How do you know?

And how do you share the pain of this process? How do you cheer your partner on? Yourself? How do you stay supportive when things no longer seem logical to you? How do you not slip to that animal place, where fear and insecurity live, and lash out?

There are no easy answers. You know what, there are no answers, period. Some one forgot to write the users manual on this on.

And how do you remain grateful? Well... I reached across a space today - put my hand out and said hey, I'm scared. And the call came back, I'm scared too. And in that reply I heard my love say we're in this together, let's hang on, I hear you, I love you. And this tiny little clearing appeared, swelled in my heart, hallelujah, and I felt a deep gratitude for our ability and desire to weather this storm. This deep knowing that we will overcome this together, that our friendship most of all, will carry us through. And there it is, I'm grateful.

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